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- 'Bout to get it started, man. Gonna be good.
Here we go, baby! - Hey, George!
- All right! - How y'all doin', what's up?
- What's happening? Everybody all right?
- What's up, boy? - Kennedy Center, man.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Hey, we're live on HBO right now!
- Yeah, baby! - You been to
the Kennedy Center before? - This place is the greatest.
That's why it's named after JFK.
Where you from, Ben?
- From Koreatown, L.A., baby. - What's up?
- Yeah, man, all right. - K-town, dog.
- And your moms? - Mom's from Seoul, South Korea.
She came here...20 bucks, you know what I'm saying?
- That's how we do it. That's how the immigrants do it.
That's what makes America great. - It is, man.
It's what it's all about. Great right here.
I'm just glad to be at the Kennedy Center,
you know, where I came through the back.
I came in the back door,
but I chose to be stopped. It was...
- I went through the kitchen. Nobody ever stopped me.
- [laughs] You know what, seriously, though?
We're meant to be here. - Yeah, man.
- Homies. You're my homies. - You got work to do, bro.
- What's up, Carlos Santana? Hope you're watching, man.
- Yeah, man. - Let's go.
- Ready to do this? We're live right here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
[crowd screaming]
Welcome to the stage...
live from D.C. at the Kennedy Center...
[cheers and applause]
George Lopez!
[cheers and applause]
- Hi!
[cheers and applause]
The Mexican flag right there!
Orale!
[Valley accent] I mean, oh, my God, hi.
[speaking Spanish]
[crowd responds, cheers]
I better be speaking some Spanish tonight.
[loud cheers]
[laughter]
I'll sprinkle in some English...
for the seven Caucasians that are here.
Thank you so much. [laughter]
[Anglo voice] I married into the family,
so I have to be here.
This is one of the greatest places
to perform anywhere in the world,
the Kennedy Center.
I've been here...
[cheers and applause continue]
I know. I know, huh?
I've been here ten times
and standing here looking at who's here,
this fucking place has never looked like this.
Calor!
Afro-Americano, Dominicano,
Boricua, Mejicano,
Chino, Latino!
[mouthing]
[laughter]
- We love you, George!
We love you! - Thank you.
I love you too. [speaking Spanish]
You might meet somebody better, though.
Save it.
Listen...
this is my fourth live--
but here's what happened today.
Like, you get in the elevator and, you know, you're there,
and this lady's looking at me and she's like,
"I know you." And I'm like...
I'm like, "Yeah." She goes, "Yes, I...
God, I don't have a signal, or I would Google you. Ah..."
She goes, "Yes, I know you." You know what I told her?
I told her, "I put in your driveway."
[laughter]
You know what that fucking lady said?
"Yes! Yes, you did.
"Yes!
I never got a chance to thank you."
I said, "Yeah, but I didn't do it alone."
[muttering]
She said, "Can you put in a fountain on Monday?"
I said...
I say what all the workers say: [speaking Spanish]
You can do it.
So I'm doing this special live tonight.
Then tomorrow... [loud cheering]
Then tomorrow I'm off...
and then Monday I'm putting in the fountain [speaks Spanish].
Let me tell you something about this fuckin'--
First of all, let me tell you something about--
I know everybody is--but Donald Trump--fuck that puto.
[loud cheers, screams] Fuck him.
In case there was any question, fuck him!
Fuck him today, fuck him tomorrow,
and fuck him 3 1/2 years from now.
[cheers and applause]
And if you voted for him, fuck you today,
fuck you tomorrow,
and fuck you three years from now.
[Anglo voice] Oh, my God, it's so exciting.
So if you hear I died tomorrow morning,
I didn't O.D., all right?
Listen, that's what you get when you're an American.
You get freedom of speech, you get the First Amendment,
you're wrapped around the flag, everybody's created equal.
There are no minorities because we're all equal!
[cheers and applause]
The word "minority" needs to disappear.
If we're all created equal, take "minority" out.
I don't wanna be called a minority,
because that means I'm less than you.
You're calling me a minority, you think I'm less than you.
I'ma tell you something right now.
You call me a minority, you will lose
a majority of your fuckin' dientes, all right?
I'll knock your fucking teeth out.
How about that one?
You can smile like that.
There's tension in the air. Mira.
There's tension.
I'm a Mexican-American.
We're in D.C.
You got a guy that's president
that questioned Barack Obama's citizenship for eight years.
He said he wasn't a citizen. It's like, you know what?
You're not really orange, so sit the fuck down.
[laughter]
All right? Orale, spray tan. Orale.
Donald Trump is so orange,
the first time my tio saw him, he tried to pick him.
He was like, "That's...
"That's the biggest orange I've ever seen."
"Tio, that's not an orange." [speaking Spanish]
"Where's that tree? Where's that tree?
Because I'm going. Where's that tree?"
The wall. Everybody's talking about the wall.
They ask me, "How do you feel about the wall?"
I say, "You know what? We'll get over it."
[murmurs]
[cheers and applause]
You think that's the answer? A fucking wall?
Listen, people in Mexico,
they got the Internet and airplanes, puto.
They got...
We can fly over the wall.
What about the President of Mexico?
Donald Trump told the President of Mexico,
"Stop saying that you won't pay for the wall...
'cause it makes me look bad. Just say you're gonna do it."
And the President of Mexico said...
[speaking Spanish]
And Donald Trump's like, "Great, we agree."
I'ma tell Donald Trump something right now--
"Hey, you wanna make America great?
Fuckin' resign."
[loud cheering]
Resign!
And take the fuckin' rugrats with you, ese.
The stork and the two sons.
And the son-in-law, vato,
fuckin'...Jack Scary.
[laughter]
Listen. Latinos always hire people
when they work but they're not as fucked up
as that four.
Least we have a skill.
Let me tell you something,
this wall right here-- 30 million.
I'ma tell you something right now.
I can do it cheaper, all right?
I just put a driveway in.
I'm putting in a fountain on Monday.
I'm your man!
Really, I'm not--I'm not the man, because we're assimilated.
Here's the thing. I have a lot of respect.
I'm assimilated because, you know, I was born here.
But I have respect for people who come from other countries,
who come to America who want to live a better life.
That's what made America America--
immigrants. Your great-grandfathers.
Your great-great-grandfathers.
How can anyone seriously stand there and say,
"Go back to where you came from"?
Why don't you fucking go back to where you came from?
"I'm from Connecticut." "No, no.
Further back."
"Maine?"
Immigrants are not the problem that America has, okay?
We're not the problem.
You have to stop blaming America's troubles
on immigrants
because they do the shit that nobody wants to do.
You think that we're lazy? Let me tell you something.
First they say fucking immigrants are lazy
and they're stealing jobs.
You can't be both.
So...decide which one it is.
'Cause you can't be lazy and steal a job.
But if you wanted to steal a job,
there's one about a mile away you could fucking snatch.
Lazy and--we're not lazy.
Let me tell you something. It's hard to convince Latinos
the shit that other people miss work for.
Chronic fatigue syndrome.
[laughter]
"Que es eso?"
"I have chronic fatigue syndrome."
"You're always tired?"
"Yes!"
"And you only have one job?"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Repetitive motion.
You're missing work because you have to do a repetitive motion.
[chuckles]
"My boss just expects so much for me."
"Yeah, fuck, mine too."
Don't fuck with those people,
because they can't be taking jobs.
Let me tell you something. Just 'cause you don't
wanna work the hours they work,
don't say that they're stealing jobs.
I got on an elevator at 2:30 in the morning
and I said, "Ah, you're working late."
[speaking Spanish]
Why would I even assume that somebody at 2:30 spoke English?
Come on! [laughter]
[speaking Spanish]
"Can you please number five?" "Five?
Okay, five!" [speaking Spanish]
For $30 billion,
you could get Latinos in Mexico
to line up and be their own wall.
"You get paid. Aguanta right here.
"You want $500? Stand right here.
"Line up! $500. 500, 500, 500.
"Don't let nobody pass, or they're gonna get mad.
That man's gonna get mad."
After eight hours... [speaking Spanish]
"You're next. Go right there."
The wall. That's the answer.
That's the big answer. That's the big...
that's gonna cost $30 billion.
We're gonna build a wall.
Why don't you take that $30 billion
and give some fresh water for people to drink
and give everybody health care
and take care of the elderly
and fix the schools?
And then the rest of us will throw a fucking party.
Wanna throw a party? How much is left over,
18 billion? All right, then.
We can throw a nice party with everything.
No. That's not the answer.
First of all, they say there's
11 million undocumented people in the--
First of all, no one is illegal.
That's number one. No one is illegal.
[cheers and applause]
And it's amazing to me how documented
the undocumented are.
[laughter]
If you're undocumented,
you're not supposed to have documents.
Well, we have documents.
What do you want, my birth certificate?
From what year? Dime.
How old do you want me to be?
Orale. I'm gonna make myself younger.
Stay right there.
Here, take this one and make a copy for everybody over there.
11 million. And the answer...is a wall.
11 million. You know what that's like?
That's like putting a condom on after you fuck.
[laughter]
It's out.
It's out. Ya salio. It's out.
"Put it back." "I...
I can't put it back."
"Well, turn the pillow over. Come on, let's go."
You don't need less immigrants in this country.
You need more...okay? You need more.
[applause]
Or...raise your own kids, cook your own food.
Pick the grapes for your own fucking wine.
Do Latino lives matter? You're fuckin' right.
If you ever wanna fuckin' eat again, they matter.
You like strawberries? "Don't hurt 'em!"
All right, then.
When I was 13, my grandfather told me, "I got you a job
for the summer." I said, "What is it?"
And he said, "You'll see." And I'm like...
It's never good when he says you'll see.
He said, "You'll see." I said, "Doing what?"
[speaking Spanish] "The van comes, you get in."
Said, "Oh, I'm not getting in." "Yeah, you are."
It was picking tomatoes in Sacramento for the summer.
And I said, "I'm not doing it." He goes, "You are."
He said, "You're not Mexican?" and I'm like,
"Yeah, but not like that."
[laughter] "All right?
Not like that."
Somebody told me to go back to Mexico.
I'm fourth-generation.
I don't know anybody in Mexico!
Be wandering around... "Hey.
How's it goin'?"
"I know you." "Yeah?"
"You look like Cheech fucked Chong."
"What?"
I go to Mexico-- You don't realize
how American you are when you go to Mexico.
You're right there eating in a restaurant.
Everybody's drinking and having fun.
Mariachis and shit. You're the only one...
[Valley accent] "Hi, um...
there's a lot of flies... in here."
[applause]
"You don't have screens for any of these windows.
"All right, uh...
"and can you tell that kid to stop singing?
"I'm not paying for any of those fuckin' songs.
And I don't want any gum, God damn it!"
We can't go back to Mexico.
That's like taking a lion from the zoo
who's only known the zoo life
and taking the lion to the jungle.
That fucking lion would be...
[laughter]
How come it don't smell like popcorn no more?
You hear another lion. [growls]
Fuck...I fuckin'...
I fucking peed. Shit. What's that?
That's a lion. Fuck, I don't sound like that.
He's mad.
Where's the lady with the bucket and the meat and the kids?
Hey!
No.
Let me tell you something, this is beautiful--
The stuff that people have now is really ridiculous.
The way the world is, you know?
Everybody's got shit you give to yourself--
Anxiety. Everybody has anxiety.
Except Latinos, we don't.
And we're the ones that should. "Who's out--who's out there?"
You see people and you're like, "Are you all right?"
"I have anxiety, all right?" [murmurs] "Fuck...
"Fuckin' take it easy.
You're fucking giving me anxiety--relax"
Then you have anxiety, you either take a pill
or you go to the doctor, and they let you
carry a fuckin' dog everywhere you go.
That's the cure? A fucking...Pomeranian?
"I'm better."
[mouthing]
[laughter]
[mouthing]
[grunts unintelligibly]
You know what Latinos use for anxiety,
African-American people? [speaks Spanish]
Right here.
[laughter, applause]
"Where's your dog?" "Huh?
My dog? Oh..."
"Oh! Chinga! I sold him and I bought weed."
"The fucker was giving me anxiety."
Chinga with the barkin'!
None of that stuff works. Listen...
this is a great country.
Everybody's different, but you have to live.
Everybody's worried about what the fuck they're eating,
what's in it. You go to a restaurant--
"Hi, what kind of oil is that?"
"Culo." "Oh.
"Culo. Uh...
Is it fresh?" "Ah..."
"I'm making some right now."
I'm gonna let you in on a trade secret.
I might as well tell you guys, because...
like magicians, Mexicans keep their secrets to themselves.
When you go to a Mexican restaurant
and they tell you that the tostada salad
is gluten-free...
[laughter]
It's not. Look at all of--"Shh!"
[speaking Spanish]
I'ma tell you, gluten hasn't hit the Mexican community yet.
But if it's free, fuck it, we'll take it.
"It's free? It's free?
"Get the truck and go get the gluten.
"The man said the gluten is free.
"Go get the gluten!
And ask him if he wants that chair that's on the porch."
[speaking Spanish]
Gluten-free.
Allergies. I was at Disneyland.
This little kid was freaking out, crying,
throwing himself on the ground.
Swallowed his tongue.
Took his helmet off and threw it in disgust...
because his dinner roll
touched the chicken.
That's what you're allowing your kids to get away with.
His dinner roll touched the chicken,
and the mom was getting him another dinner
because he doesn't like it when the food touches.
That's the fucking problem with kids today.
That's the fucking problem.
Fuck him and his dinner roll.
[cheers and applause]
We wanted our food to touch, 'cause it looked like more.
Put it all together-- put it like a mountain
or something, it'll make it look like more.
Freaked out. And you know what?
Ask yourselves could you have gotten away with that shit?
- No! - Your mom puts down some food.
She walks by once.
She walks by twice.
[speaking Spanglish] "What's--what happened?"
"I..."
[laughter]
"I can't hear you. What?"
"I don't--I don't..."
"I don't like it when the corn tortilla..."
[laughter]
"Touches the carnitas."
[laughter]
"Come over here. You gotta hear this one."
And this is when you know you're fucked:
"I didn't hear you. What?"
If they make you say it again, you're fucked.
"I don't like it...
"when the corn tortilla...
touches the carnitas."
"You don't like it...
"when the corn tortilla touches the carnitas.
"Well, then you're really not going to like it
"when my foot touches your culo.
Eat. Eat."
They say it like five times.
"Eat!" "I'm eating."
"Eat!"
"Son of a bitch.
[muttering] Huh?"
Ivanka Trump, la cabrona.
Listen, in our culture, we eat.
We're not so concerned with fructose
and...
You know, now kids go shopping with their parents
to make healthy choices.
[laughs]
I almost can't say it with a straight face...
to tell you the truth. Like, I know what I'm gonna say,
and I'm already laughing.
Like the little kid's like, "Mom, this is great!
it has omega-3s."
"Wonderful. Put it in the basket, Cameron."
[laughter]
There you are with your mom. "Mom, mira.
This one is high in saturated fat."
"Well, fuck it, so are you. Throw it in there.
"Son of a bitch.
"He don't want to learn in school,
but at the fucking market-- 'saturated fats.'"
That was my nickname for five years.
"Hey, saturated fat, vamos, cabron.
Satch, let's go."
Our kids are--listen.
Our kids are kids. You don't baby 'em.
Here's the difference, because...
our parents and our culture shows us
that it's not all compliments.
It's not everything you do is amazing.
It's not you throw the trash away--
"Hey, high five!"
If you have a kid now, you have to pretend like
everything that motherfucker does
is the best thing you've ever seen.
At Thanksgiving, he comes home, "Oh, my God!
"Did you trace the outside...
of your hand...
and did you make me a turkey?"
[weird laugh] "I did.
"I did. I put my hand-- I did my hand around it,
and I..." [mumbling]
"I'm putting on Facebook, God damn it.
"I'm sending it to 'The Washington Post.'
They'll run it."
I gave one to my grandma.
She says, "What's this bullshit?
"Mira, make me one like this, all right?
And stop using my fucking eyebrow pencil."
But you don't have a distorted view of life.
Not everything is wonderful.
Sometimes you make mistakes. That's how you learn.
You know, kids wake up and the parents are there:
"Good morning.
"You woke up awesome.
You're gonna have an awesome day because you woke up awesome."
When did our parents compliment us?
You take the car out, you scratch it,
the next morning, "Hey!
"Beautiful!
"Fuckin' beautiful.
"You're a genius. I don't know how you did it.
"Mira, I'm so proud of you, Einstein.
"Mira, you're a fucking genius.
"I didn't know until right now.
"You scratched both sides of my car.
Brilliant!"
[applause]
"I wish I had two of you right now...
"so I could choke one
and get the other one to rub out these scratches."
We're not there on purpose.
You could take away Planned Parenthood.
That doesn't affect Latinos.
We're not planned.
Planned Weddinghood-- now, the weddings we plan.
You know, it's the difference between somebody having babies,
like, you know-- Here's the thing.
You think that there's a lot of Latinos
and African-American people. We have big families.
We have seven, five kids, nine kids.
We're make making people for the future.
[laughter]
Don't get mad at us 'cause you only had one kid...
and you'll fuckin' lose him in the market.
Don't get mad at us.
Fuckin' Amber Alerts, all of you.
You lose your kid, and we have to look.
Fuck that. I don't gotta look.
I got my seven. You're on your own, cabrona.
Hey... pay attention!
Take one of those-- those Adderalls.
If a Latino kid goes missing, no one notices, you know?
Three days go by, and then somebody...
"Que paso con Ruben?"
"I don't know.
I haven't see him como like three days."
"He fucking has my change."
That's all we're worried about. He's got the change.
You get home-- "It was awful--"
"I don't want to hear that bullshit.
"Gimme the change.
It was a 20. Give me that change."
That's the reality--listen. That's the reality of life.
You live your life, you have fun,
your doctor tells you, you know, not to drink
and not to eat and not to enjoy your life.
And you believe him.
That's why we don't go to the doctor.
I don't want to hear that shit.
I had a uncle that had diabetes.
And I'm always the one that they say,
"Take me to the doctor."
And the doctor says, "You will lose your leg
if you continue to drink," and my uncle's like...
"What about Crown Royal?"
"He said...
Yes." "Well, no, let him--
"I don't wanna talk to-- Let him tell me.
What about Crown Royal?" "Yes."
"Oh, because I thought because it's good
that it was over the line, that...[mumbles]"
"Wow, it is serious, huh?"
He drank. They amputated his leg.
Everybody went to go see him. He's in there laughing.
I'm like, "What happened?" "Eh, hey, mira.
"Don't be sad about my leg, I already walked a lot already."
"They can have a travel ban. I ain't goin' nowhere."
It's different, you know? It's the way to grow up.
I think it's the way to grow up.
I think that, you know, life isn't like that.
You just need some adversity sometimes and, you know,
none of the stories of how we meet are amazing.
They're not like oh, my God, that's a beautiful story.
"We were at the Smithsonian at the butterfly exhibit...
"and the butterfly landed on our fingertips,
and that's how I knew he was the one for me."
They'll tell you how they met. You don't even wanna know.
"Hey, you wanna know how me and your mom..."
[laughter, applause]
"Let me talk. Mira.
I wanted to fuck her older sister."
[laughter]
"But she said no.
"So then I went one down.
And that's your mom."
"And thank God that she say yes,
because the next one was your Tio Larry.
[muttering]
That's how we live. Listen.
We don't live sheltered. We don't live with fear.
You know, kids are-- they're afraid of clowns
and they're afraid of, you know, mariachis
and they're afraid of loud noises.
People who grew up poor,
they're afraid of shit they can't see.
Their dad's car coming down.
[speaking Spanglish]
Mexican monsters that nobody's ever seen.
ICE. We're afraid of real shit.
[laughter]
Fucking ICE.
I'm telling you, it's affecting--
On Father's Day I had a party.
I said, "We need to get ice over here."
Fuckin' everybody took off! "Hey!
"Come back! Ice!"
[yelling in Spanish] "Ice!"
Now we have to say, "Hey, let's get some frozen water."
"In cubed form," you know?
Frozen water.
So, in the neighborhood that I live in,
I set my alarm one day, and I didn't know the code.
I forget--I'm dyslexic, so I don't know the code.
And it's going off-- beep, beep, beep, beep.
Goin' off. And I finally turned it off.
I go inside, watching TV. 20 minutes later...
[knock knock knock knock]
Open the door. L.A.P.D.
Like, a white cop and a Latino cop, you know.
And I'm right there and they look at me
and they're like, "Hey, I know you."
I say, "I'm putting in a fountain."
[laughter]
There was this awkwardness,
like the dude couldn't believe that I lived there.
Well, it's a nice house.
I mean, come on, I'm George Lopez.
[loud cheering] Where am I gonna live?
So...the Latino guy is like--
[stammering] "I know--can we see some I.D.?"
I'm like, "Ah..." I look at the Latino guy.
"Listen, I don't believe it either."
So I let 'em in the house.
I'm walking to find my wallet, and they're looking around,
and there's nothing in that house
that looks like a Latino lives there.
Because we like nice shit, you know.
So the cop is looking around, and I'm looking at the cop
and I'm looking at my house. I'm like,
"Fuck. This..."
He goes, "You get that I.D.?"
"I can't--I can't--
I can't find it."
And then I remember.
So I opened up the refrigerator.
I had corn tortillas,
flour tortillas,
frijoles de la olla,
salsa with a mayonnaise jar with the foil and the rubber band.
Wedding cake from like five fucking years ago.
With the candle still in it.
And they were like, "Sorry to bother you.
Enjoy your day."
[cheers and applause]
Don't apologize for being successful.
Live your life and don't worry about it.
Don't worry about everybody bringing you down--
all the haters right now. It's all haters.
Be successful. Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.
That's what we're made for.
That's why we don't get the positive shit.
You get the-- "I'm gonna go to college,
and I'ma graduate." "I'll fucking believe that
"when I see it! Vas a ver, cabron.
Mark it down right now."
That's how we grew up. We're not allergic to shit.
You know, we can eat peanuts. Are you kidding me?
A Latino allergic to peanuts? [speaking Spanglish]
Salted--we do more shit with peanuts
than a monkey could, I mean...
We got different ways to eat peanuts,
and we're not allergic to peanuts.
Chile peanuts, roasted peanuts. Chile.
Different flavor... [speaking Spanish]
Just eating peanuts--
We're not allergic.
Now, if somebody has a peanut allergy,
the whole world has to change for that one person.
When they fly on a plane,
no one in the airport can have peanuts...
because of that one person.
You're on the airplane--
peanut-free flight because of that one person.
You're drinking, having a good time.
"Hey, can we have some peanuts?"
[low voice] "I'm sorry, there's a passenger
"in coach
"in the middle seat
"that has a peanut allergy.
In 23A."
"Fuck him. Gimme the microphone.
[blows] "Orale. Hey, 23A.
"Go hide in the bathroom,
"because we're gonna be eating some peanuts right now.
"All right? And next time, go Greyhound
with all the other fuckin' nuts."
Why do we have to change because somebody has a fucking allergy?
They have peanut-free schools. No peanuts in the school.
You can take a gun, but don't bring no peanuts.
You don't even need a gun. Just walk in with some walnuts.
"I'll crack these motherfuckers right here.
"Get on the ground! Get on the ground!
"I'll crack--I'll crack it! And don't try to run,
"'cause I threw cashews all over the parking lot.
"Want me to throw some fucking--
"Want me to put some almonds in your shirt?
Want me to put some almonds down your shirt?"
Here's what you need to understand about Latinos,
if I haven't already explained it.
We love this country.
We will never hurt this country.
We love this country.
[cheers and applause]
That new immigration law, the RISE Act?
You have to already speak English to come over here.
You have to already have a job
and provide to the economy before you can come here.
Fuck--I was looking at that shit.
I'm like, "Fuck, I'm only one of three.
God damn!"
They're trying to keep us out of this country, but they can't.
This country was made by immigrants
and continues to be made by immigrants,
and all of it makes it great.
That's what makes America great.
[applause]
Not some fuckin' fat wobbly-haired fuckin' puto.
Not that-- [laughter]
Donald Trump, let me tell you something.
[scoffs] And let me tell you, huh?
He wants to crackdown on immigration?
He don't like immigrants?
Well, then, stop marrying them.
Stop marrying them, vato!
[scoffs]
[cheers and applause]
She doesn't speak English.
Does it bother anybody
that the First Lady of the United States
doesn't speak English?
And it hurts to watch her try.
[thick accent] "And then my husband,
after he'll get it, he'll..."
[laughter]
[with accent] "Pobrecita. She can't talk.
"She's trying. [speaking Spanish]
"But she cannot talk.
How come somebody don't talk for her?"
[speaking Spanish]
[unintelligible, harsh voice]
Even Arnold Schwarzenegger's at home...
[with accent] "Get it out!
Spit it out, do it!"
You know how hard it is to learn English?
Arnold Schwarzenegger's been in this country...
50 years, and he don't fucking speak English.
He tries to talk slow, like you won't know.
"And then we got..." [muttering with thick accent]
You see that commercial for that app "Mobile Strike"?
[with accent] "Download it now in the app store!"
"What did he say? Up store?
"Que es eso, the Up store?
Download it in the Up store."
No, no.
We make America great, people who sacrifice.
Listen, health care?
You can have health care, okay?
Let me tell you something. If this country
wants to elect somebody who's racially insensitive
with no political experience, here I am.
[cheers and applause]
Here I am.
Here I am!
George Lopez for president.
[cheers and applause]
I golf.
I got a kid I hardly talk to.
Under the Lopez Administration,
in my first 100 days,
I will make Taco Tuesday the law.
[loud cheering]
For everyone.
For everyone!
You want health care? It's free for everyone.
Free.
The Latinos are passing it to you--we don't need it.
[speaking Spanish]
"I don't want to know what's wrong with me--take it."
I will legalize...
marijuana. [loud cheering]
And put pharmaceutical companies out of business.
Same shit. Not only will I legalize it,
if you vote for me, I'll come over your house
and smoke it with you.
[cheers and applause]
Look at this guy. "I hope that's the truth.
Is that jokes,
"or is he telling the truth? [stammering]
I'ma go right now."
Everything during the day
is all medicine commercials.
Nothing's about having fun. It's all about medicine--
Asthma, AFib, heart disease, colon cancer.
There's a test where you can shit in a envelope
and send it in the mail.
That's how lazy Americans are getting.
You don't even wanna go to the doctor.
No, just shit in the envelope and put it in there.
And then they'll open your shit and they'll examine it
and send that shit back to you.
[laughter]
That's how lazy Americans are.
You don't want us here? We work.
We don't have a chair that helps us get upstairs
or a walk-in fucking tub.
Your nephew helps you.
Our elderly fall down too, but when they fall down,
they don't fall down in an empty house.
They don't fall down in a nursing home.
They fall down in a house surrounded by family,
because that's how you take care of your elderly people.
You don't take care of your elderly people
by putting them in a place for Mom
and fucking nursing homes and convalescent homes
and never visiting them.
That's what I did to my grandmother--I know.
[laughter]
Take care of those elderly people.
They took care of you.
If you got a grandmother that's in her 80s or 90s
or a tia, take pictures of them, take videos of them,
because when they're gone, that generation is gone.
That real hard-working, you don't need a man providing,
put your kids through college-- those ladies are gone.
[applause]
What are they going to be replaced with?
What are those stories?
"Remember when we used to do pilates?
In 2012 we started."
They got good stories.
My grandmother--
amazing stories.
My grandmother tried to homeschool me one day.
One day. My grandmother was like,
"Mira. Today...
we're gonna study American history."
[laughter]
"Hey, start getting ready to write it down.
"Mira, my sister, you know her,
"when she was young... [speaking Spanish]
She went with everybody."
"Write it down."
"How's that American history?"
"Well, she's American, and it happened a long time.
History."
Nobody teaches us that we learn by ourselves.
You know, you learn by your mistakes.
When you're riding a bike,
you're riding a bike by yourself.
You hit your head on the sidewalk,
you know: slow down.
No helmet, no pads, no supervision.
You're riding. [thunk]
You learn. You learn.
To swim--you almost have to drown to learn how to swim.
You know that.
That's what the kids learn.
Nobody teaches us about sex.
You know how you learn about sex?
You come home early from school one day.
[laughter]
And you put your books down
and in the back of the house you hear, "Ay...
[moaning] "Ay...
Ahh..."
"Ay..."
You go around the house. You look through the window.
It's your tio taking his socks off.
[moaning] "Ahh...ay!"
"Tio!" "Ay!"
"I thought you were in here making love."
"Shit, I wish--I can't even take my socks off."
We don't go to the doctor.
When women have babies, they've had babies before.
It's not as new to other people
like they're pregnant, they're like, "Oh, my God!"
They go get an ultrasound every hour.
"You've been here..." [imitating electronic sounds]
Latinos are pregnant, they're like, "You're pregnant."
"Uh-huh.
All right, ah..."
"Don't you want to know what it is?"
"No, I got clothes for either one."
[laughter]
"I don't need vitamins, because I still got vitamins
from the other kids."
It's not as exciting.
You know, everybody documents everything.
You know, moms still work out.
When the baby's born, they give them prenatal.
They clean their nose with that--pfft--you know.
Little white kids, they talk--seven months.
You go in the room,
they're leaning against the chair, "Hey.
"Come on in. Yeah.
"I'm seven months yesterday.
"Yeah, my mom told me you were comin' in.
"Come on in.
"I been talking for about a couple of weeks,
"I don't know, ten days maybe.
"Yeah, I know, she's making me wear the helmet
"'cause the top of my head isn't formed and...
I'm self-conscious."
"I'll be driving in a month." "What?"
You go to a Latino house, you knock on the door,
a Latino kid opens the door.
He just stands there with that look on his face.
[laughter]
"Is your dad home?"
"My dad?"
"Is...your dad home?"
"He's not here.
"He was here, and then he left.
"That's why--that's-- that's why he's not here.
"But when his car's here,
"that means that he's here, but right now...
"but right now--but right now his car's not here.
So that means that he's not here."
"How old are you?" "29."
[laughter, applause]
"Don't tell him I got outta the crib."
We're taught respect. Listen...
Therapy is not for us. We don't go to therapy.
Do we need it? Yeah.
We don't feel comfortable telling a stranger.
We'll wait till there's a party
and the mariachis are playing
and they're getting ready to cut the wedding cake
and just say, "Let me tell you, everybody, something.
Everybody!"
[sniffles]
"Nobody loves me."
"Tio." "No, no, no.
Let me talk."
[sobbing]
"Tell him you love him, and take him to the car."
We don't go to therapy. I tried.
You go, you know, and if you go early enough,
you can hear through the-- you know, you see somebody...
[sniffling]
[voice breaking] "My father never told me
that he loved me."
That's it? I open the door.
My father told me he wasn't my father.
How 'bout that one? You don't see me cry.
And fuck him-- he'll never see me cry.
They all drink and, you know, they all over-drink.
My grandfather-- I love my grandfather.
He taught me a lotta things, but when he drank, he was mean.
And since I was an only child, he would look for me.
And he didn't speak English, but when he was drunk,
he'd try to speak English.
And I had to sit there--
"Hey!"
"Who do ju thing ju are?"
[shouting] "Who do you thing j'are?"
[mouthing]
Then my grandmother would try to jump in.
[speaking Spanish] "Chut up!
Chut ju mouse!"
"Chut up you fucking mouse!"
And then he would hit me.
[thwack, thwack]
In my temple. [thwack]
Like 40 times.
[thwack]
And every time-- I was like eight--
and every time I'd be like, "One day..."
[thwack, thwack] One day."
April 4th, 1988.
[laughter]
He died.
We're having a ceremony there, the open casket.
The mortician says, "Would anyone like to say good-bye?"
[thwack]
[laughter]
Fuck you and fuck Erik Estrada.
That puto.
Come and get me, vato. I can knock you out.
Spite. That's what motivates me.
Somebody says, "That's not healthy."
"Uh...
I think I'm doing all right!"
Find love and be happy
and find somebody that you love
and be honest and be truthful to them,
because love is the most difficult thing to find
in this world.
I know, because I'm by myself right there.
[whistles through teeth]
And my grandmother, she knew. When I was 12, she knew.
"Cochino, I know what you're doing in there."
I said, "What?" "You don't think I know,
but I know." She didn't know medical terms.
She would say shit. I knew what she meant.
"I know you're in there throwing your
[speaking Spanglish] all over the room."
[mouthing] What?
"Your tres leches all over the place."
[laughter]
My grandmother got sick.
I hate when elderly people get sick.
But we keep them in the house.
All those places,
all those nursing homes and stuff like that--listen.
Filipino, Asian people,
Middle Eastern people, Indian people,
Latinos--we all run the health care industry
if you've been around a hospital.
Maybe not all of us are doctors,
but we're the ones that are there in middle of the night.
[crowd whooping]
So, when you end up in a convalescent home,
if I were you, I'd be shaking hands
with every Latino, person of color,
because in the middle of the night,
when you're in there... "My heart.
My heart!"
This is the last thing you're gonna see.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"What happened to the lady?" "Oh, the lady?
"She die.
"But we got married last night, her and I, before she die.
"I got the marriage certificate.
I keep all these documents Wait a minute."
It goes by like that, too. It goes by like that.
You know? So, eat, have fun, you know,
don't be a vegetarian, don't be a vegan.
[laughter]
Have you-- that's not helping you.
"I can only have 400 calories a day.
"That's why I don't breathe, because..."
[inhales] "That's 20."
We eat.
Lettuce? We don't eat lettuce.
Latinos work in the produce industry,
but we don't eat lettuce, all right?
You don't work all day picking lettuce
and on your day off make yourself a fucking salad.
That's not...
Kale.
[speaking Spanish] We don't know...
we don't know what kale is.
But I think it's a little boy
your tia watches three days a week.
"When does kale come?" "Oh, kale? Viene--
"Right now, he change the schedule--
"Viene los Monday, Wednesday, los Fri--
El kale?"
That would almost be like if you're a prostitute
and on your day off somebody put a dick in your cornflakes.
You'd be like...
"It's my day off.
Take that dick out of my cornflakes."
We ain't looked at the shit.
Milk. Let me tell you something.
Milk--whole-- we all grew up
on whole milk.
God gave women the ability
to have milk to feed their children
from the beginning of time.
Milk was created to nurture our families.
And now milk is bad.
Why?
Whole milk-- nobody drinks whole milk.
If you go to Starbucks and you say,
"Can I have some whole milk?" "Get the fuck out of here.
"Son of a bitch.
We're working!"
When you grow up poor, you don't want 2% of the milk.
You want the whole milk.
I want all the milk.
I don't want 2% of it.
Then people have peanut allergies and nut allergies
and they're allergic to milk, but then there's almond milk.
What the fuck is that?
Even you don't even know!
"I'm lactose-intolerant." "No you're not--you can't hang."
[speaking Spanish]
You wanna be another asshole in line bitching about milk?
"Is this 2%? Because I can only have 1%.
"Is this 2%? You're not the manager.
"Are you the manager? Hi, is this 2%?
Because I can only have 1%."
I got outta line. I grabbed that dude's latte.
I spill half. "Here, motherfucker.
"Now it's 1%. Get your ass outta line!
You don't look like you're a 2% anything, you fat bastard."
I didn't say it. I tweeted it,
'cause then it doesn't count.
Tweets.
Let me tell you-- my grandfather's brother
had a ranch in Mexico.
We used to go. The most disgusting thing
I've ever seen was my grandfather milking a goat.
[gagging]
And that goat wasn't clean. Ugh.
[speaking Spanglish] In his eyes.
He didn't even wave 'em off with his ears anymore.
He was like, "Hey..." [mutters]
And my grandfather's milking this goat,
and we're like... [gagging]
[retches]
He had that much milk.
Even the goat came out of the barn and looked...
"He's not gonna drink that shit, is he?"
He tried to warn him. [bleating]
Ah!
We make America great.
Everybody that gets up and works hard every day
makes America great.
It's already great. It's the greatest place to live.
Go live somewhere else!
[applause]
We love this country. We're not terrorists, okay?
Latinos aren't terrorists. But I'ma tell you right now,
if we were, we'd be the best.
The number one ingredient in making a bomb:
fertilizer.
[laughter]
"You want 10 tons."
"We're doin' a big yard."
[laughter]
"And we're putting in a fountain."
We can't be terrorists.
Because terrorists take responsibility.
Latinos? "No.
"It was already like that when I got there.
"I didn't-- I didn't do it.
It was like that."
They'll be talking on the news. "What happened?
"I heard a boom, and then somebody yelled, 'Raiders!'
and they ran off."
That's how you know we did it. "Raiders!"
So, try to build a wall. Go ahead, try to build it.
Use taxpayer money even though you said
you were gonna get Mexico to pay for it.
Mexico ain't paying for shit. I coulda told you that.
We can't even split a fuckin' check.
You get the check: "I-I don't even eat.
"What's this bullshit? I didn't even eat!
Kale--I don't eat Kale, vato, I don't eat kale!"
I'ma tell you something right now.
As long as George Lopez is alive--
and my cholesterol level's pretty high, so I don't know--
but as long as George Lopez is alive,
I promise you, I will never, ever
let anyone disparage Latinos or Mexicans
as long as I'm alive.
[loud cheers and applause]
- We love you, George!
- I love you, baby, thank you.
When Donald Trump announced
he was running for president,
he called Mexicans rapists and criminals.
When I see him, I'm gonna rob him and fuck him.
[laughter, applause]
[laughter]
And let me tell you something.
You better build that wall in one day.
One day, you better build that wall,
because if you leave all that material out there overnight...
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
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[inaudible]
[cheers and applause continue]
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