I can't do this. I can't do this.
Bachelor party! Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Hey, hey.
You gotta catch up. Here, here, here.
You're late to your own bachelor party,
- chug, chug, chug. - What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
- Why did you do that? - You held my nose.
It's like a shotgun. You plug the shotgun hole.
- You're an idiot. -You are an idiot, Nick.
You wouldn't know an idiot if it smacked you in the face.
Smack me in the face, so I have a frame of reference.
- You want a slap fight? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad you're here, man. These two make me wanna puke.
That's a very underwhelming mustache.
Why do you guys all have mustaches?
We have mustaches for you, for your bachelor party.
Did we not discuss this with you?
No.
- Really? - Yeah. What about Nick?
Nick got confused.
I thought I texted you from my second phone. I'm so sorry.
No, I think I would've remembered that.
I'm sorry. I guess I haven't seen you in a while.
How you been?
- Not great, actually. - Just hold on tight
'cause these guys have been living for this week.
Yeah, look, the thing is--
wait, wait, wait! We got rules.
You need to learn the rules.
Colin and me wrote rules, and you gotta learn 'em.
- They made rules. - Yeah!
Bachelor parties.
I'm so sick of going to bachelor parties and fishing.
- Or whitewater rafting. - Boo!
That is not a bachelor party.
- That's a party. - It's just camping.
A bunch of cock and balls sleeping in the woods.
- It's a schlong-a-thon. - Now, this great tradition
is not only a send-off of one's bachelorhood,
but a way to send said bachelor off
with a train car full of regret so deep,
you'll never wanna be a bachelor again.
That's beautiful, Colin, really, but, guys--
rule number one, get drunk.
Fastest train to regret is alcohol.
Rule number two, stay drunk.
I wrote the first two rules.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nick! - It's okay.
- I knew you'd freak out. - Is he drinking?
It's been five years, man. I need a fucking break.
- I don't think-- - who cares if he dies?
- It doesn't work that way. - I can have a beer or two,
in celebration of your bachelor party, dad.
I wouldn't even be doing this if you weren't getting married.
- No. - It's on you, Joe.
- No. - There's a meeting on Monday.
- I'll be there, okay? Promise. - Look...
- Or Tuesday at the latest. - I'll give you a ride.
I don't think that's really the point.
Rule number three, hit the bar.
- Yeah! - There's no better place
to hop on said train of regret than a bar.
Rule number four, and this is one of my favorites.
- This is a goody. - Come back to the house
for a private viewing of some of the local ballet.
I said no strippers.
That was the one rule I had, was no strippers.
I lined it up with a local agency.
Her name is Susan. I'm sure she's very classy.
- Scotch-Irish, Joe. - Susie.
- Okay, guys, look. - She's clean, Joe.
Good. I imagine they all are clean.
- She's clean, Joe. - She's super clean.
Yeah. We think.
And rule number five, the final rule,
the most important rule,
the reason why we're all here:
Wake up feeling so hungover and guilty
that you never wanna be a bachelor again,
and thus, you're ready to be married.
Okay, look.
Guys, I really just came down here--
- I wanted to tell you-- - no, wait, no, no, no.
Before you get in any speeches, here.
Come on, here, here, here.
Beer, beer. Okay, okay, now...
- Yeah. - Speech.
- I came down-- - speech, speech!
I came down here to tell you, guys--
fuck, what am I talking about? You're the bachelor.
You can't do it. It's bad luck.
- I'll do it, I'll do it. - Yeah, let's do this.
It's a toast. Come, come, Joe.
Come on, guys, get in here.
Okay, all right.
God, this is awkward.
Okay, so, Joe, I've always looked up to you.
I think you know that.
You're smart, you're a handsome son of a bitch.
You've never woken up next to a fat chick
hitting you because you were so drunk, you pissed the bed.
- Okay, Nick. - No, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm in control now.
But before you met Jess, honestly,
I didn't even know that love existed.
I really didn't.
And I've never told you this before either, but...
It wasn't until I saw what you and Jess had
that I decided to stop drinking,
clean up my life, find that love for myself
'cause I knew now that it existed
because of you and Jess.
You inspire me, man.
You and Jess inspire me. Here's to true love.
- Cheers. - Cheers!
- Okay, you're up. - My turn.
Uh, to Joe, to Joe.
Even though getting married was the...
Worst decision I ever made in my entire life,
and I hate my ex more than anything,
- with every fiber my-- - okay, all right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Before you met Jess,
you were very, very lonely,
and you hated casual sex
for some reason that none of us could ever figure out.
So, yeah, I guess, you know, marriage, that's the--
that's the right thing for you to do, so, cheers.
- Cheers. That was nice.
Is that me? Should I?
All right. All right. Um...
I think you guys know i don't believe in love.
I certainly don't believe in weddings, you know,
the idea of families coming together.
But I do believe in finishing what you started,
so, you know, you said you're gonna marry this girl and, uh...
Uh, cheers?
Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
Okay, end of show. That's you, Joe, Mr. bachelor.
Speech!
Are you guys, done?
Are you done with your little speeches and your little rules?
- Yeah. - What's going on, Joe?
I'm not getting married.
- What? - Are you serious?
Oh, shit.
- It's probably for the best. - Shut your mouth, Colin.
Oh, fuck it.
- What happened? - I don't know. I, uh...
I came home today after work.
This happened today?
Yeah, right before i drove up here.
Oh, fuck.
She was sitting in the kitchen, crying.
Her...
Her ring was on the table, and she said...
Um...
She said it was over.
Ouch, dude.
What happened to your hand?
- I punched a hole in the wall. - You okay?
Yeah. I don't think it's broken.
No, I mean, you. Are you okay?
Oh, um, yeah.
Yeah, I think-- i think so.
Maybe it's for the best.
That you found out that she's a bitch now
and not two weeks from now?
Or before a couple of gremlins crawled out of her.
Which you have to pay child support for
when you only get to see them every two weeks.
You only see your kids twice a month?
It's a fucking travesty, Nick, but here's the thing.
I try to look at the positive,
they have soccer games on the weekends.
I have my boat time. I don't bring the kids there.
It's dangerous, you know. There's water. They can't swim.
It's not a safe place for the kids, no.
But I get to do bachelor parties though.
That's the one good thing.
Bachelor parties with my buddies.
- Yeah! - Oh, shit.
It's not your bachelor party anymore.
I'm sorry, Joe.
Hey, man, did she say anything else?
Anything? I mean...
Did she say there was someone else?
Joe? Joe?
Joe.
- Joe. - Joe!
This is so fucking bad.
Look, I just came up here to let you guys know
that the bachelor party's over, all right?
I'm sorry. I know that you guys
were really looking forward to this weekend,
but what I need to do right now is just figure out my life.
What'd you have in mind?
Well, for starters, before it closes,
I'm gonna go to Ikea.
- Ikea? - Yeah.
I don't have anything to sleep on tonight.
Okay, you just got dumped
two weeks before your wedding, like garbage,
- and you wanna go to Ikea? - Yeah, yeah.
I need furniture, you know?
I think you just need to chill out for a minute.
Took his furniture. It happened to me.
No, I didn't own any with her.
It was all hers. And I am chill, all right?
Okay, okay. I can see that you need furniture.
Why Ikea?
I like Ikea.
Nobody likes Ikea.
I do. I like a lot of Ikea.
I hate those little wrenches.
Oh, yeah, I know. I swallowed one once.
Never came out.
How the fuck did you do that?
All right, all right, all right, Joe, wait.
Why Ikea?
Because when I get something from Ikea,
I know exactly how long it takes to put it together.
It says right on the box: 3.4 hours to assemble.
I like knowing that for the next three-point-four hours,
I'm gonna be assembling a brown brusali with lonset slats,
and a white stained oak veneer malm,
or whichever fucking Ikea bed I'm gonna get today.
Okay.
Maybe before you go,
you'll have one drink with us at the bar.
It shouldn't take more than oh-point-four hours.
- Nick, get over here. - Ow.
- Hey, Colin! - What are we doing?
Take him. Don't let him go no matter what.
I got him. We doing this?
Joe, we don't think you're telling us the truth.
- I told you what happened. - Yeah, but...
You didn't tell us everything that happened.
No.
- Yes. - Why?
Because you like to tell most of the truth.
That's not what we want. That's not what friends do.
We want the whole truth. Did she fucking cheat on you?
- She fucking cheat? - She fucking cheat on you, Joe?
No. No!
Careful. I've been drinking.
Did you get him?
I was always better at this game drunk though.
It got real.
Guys, I don't wanna do this, all right?
Bullshit you don't wanna do this.
You drove all the way up here. For a reason, I think.
Always there to help us, but when he needs it,
he won't let us help him.
- Exactly, Nick. - Classic Joe.
How about you tell us what really happened to the hand?
I told you. I punched the wall.
Yes, but why? We've known you since college.
The last thing you would ever do is resort to senseless violence.
I was mad at her.
This fucking guy.
You don't punch a fucking wall.
Mm-mm.
My fiancée dumped me, all right?
- I was mad at her. - No, that's wrong.
- Ah, Jesus, man! Fuck!
- Good darts. - Honestly, I'm just throwing.
Just tell us what you won't fucking tell us, Joe.
No, it's none of your business.
Oh, so you admit there is something else?
- Aha. - Ooh!
We're your friends. Please.
Let us take care of you.
- Uh, does this count? - Yeah.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Tough love, buddy.
Ah.
- Joe?
She's in love with someone else.
- Who is he? - I don't know.
She said she loves him?
She said that they didn't cheat, that they just...
Fell in love, but they didn't have sex.
Well, if they're in love, then they're not having sex.
They're making love. Technically.
An emotional affair is still cheating, Joe.
I don't know. She said that it's not really about him and her.
It's more about us, our problems.
Oh, fuck that shit. I hate that excuse.
God, we should find this guy.
We should kick the shit out of him.
- Can we do that? - Teach him a lesson.
- Make you feel a lot better. - Going to jail?
Who's going to jail? Why would you go to jail?
Show me a cop in the world who's gonna put you in jail
for taking the guy who stole your fiancée
and punching him in the face like a few hundred times.
- Not gonna happen. - Never happen.
- No. - He didn't steal my fiancée.
Oh, my god. Joe, you can't even admit that?
Come on, man. The guy totally crossed the line.
What line?
Yeah, what line? You...
Oh, yeah, I step over it all the time.
It's very obvious, in the moment. Here I am.
I'm talking to someone's wife
or fiancée, mother, and there's an attraction.
And then all of a sudden, we're sharing energy.
And then there's a line. There it is.
Oh, that line. Yeah, I know that line.
And I have a choice. Do I step over it,
or do I step back?
Guess what this cum stain did. He stepped right over it.
- He stepped over the line. - Stomped over the line.
- He stomped it, Joe. - Like a stallion.
Let me ask you something. Just hypothetically.
If you could do anything to teach this guy a lesson,
what'd that be?
- What, anything? - Mm-hmm.
I'd make him dig his own grave.
You'd make him dig his own grave? Shit!
That's so dark.
Like in mob movies, right? When they take a guy out,
they take him to the woods to kill him,
but they make him dig his own grave first.
In reality, I mean, that must take hours, right?
And the whole time you're digging,
you're just thinking about what you did
that got you in that situation.
That's genius, man.
Yeah, then you pop that piece of shit in the back of the head
three times, right?
Blap! Blap! Ra-ta-ta!
I'd probably have to, right?
No, you wouldn't.
No. You just turn him around, right?
He's sitting there, he's evacuating his bowels,
looking down into his own grave,
waiting for the lights to go out,
thinking about what he did.
And then...
You let him go.
Fuck yeah. Dude would never mess with you again.
- Yeah. - Oh! You do nothing.
I love it. It's the ultimate revenge.
You're sick.
Well, how about, uh, you know, instead of sweet revenge,
next best thing, some sweet, stanky booze?
Guys, I'm gonna go to that meeting on Monday, okay?
Or Tuesday. Wednesday at the very latest.
No, no, no, you're off leash.
- It's Joe's bachelor party. - No, no.
It's not my bachelor party anymore.
Rude.
Okay, so it's not the end of your bachelorhood.
We can call it whatever we want with you,
it's a celebration of its rebirth.
That's exactly what he needs. I'm in.
- Me too. - This is a rebirth of Joe.
Come on, Joe.
- Come on in, it's warm. - Join us.
Fuck it.
- Hey! - Yes!
Oh, ho! Ah!
Oh, my god, I feel alive again. I feel alive!
Susan!
Okay, Joe. Susan's here for you, man.
It's time to take all that anger and disappointment and sadness
and get it off your chest, and just...
Just spray it on hers.
No. No, I'm not gonna do that.
Okay. Well, just the lap dance.
Okay.
Aah! Whoo!
- I can do this. - Do it, do it, do it!
One.
Two.
- Three.
- Yeah!
Got his hair.
Okay, you got his hair?
I did it!
Fuck, man!
What are you doing in here?
The whites.
Fucking weirdo.
Hey, did you hear that?
No.
I thought I heard some banging in the basement.
Any banging in this house
is probably Colin and that stripper.
Susan.
- How's your ass? - Ah.
Have you seen a stripper do that before?
I have. When I was four.
- Oh! - Fantastic.
Nick. Nick!
What?
Why didn't you puke in your bathroom?
Wha-- I puked?
In the sink.
Oh, shit.
I'm just waking up right now, like this very second.
Well, good morning. You just puked in the sink.
Clean it up. Hell no.
No.
Nick, do you know if Colin slept in the basement?
There's a basement?
Speak of the devil.
Damn.
Oh, it's up in my sinuses.
Oh, that's fucked up.
- How much did that cost you? - Hmm?
How much did you pay that woman for sex?
No, we paid crystal to dance. She chose to stay the night.
Crystal?
Yeah. Susan is just her stripper name.
That's good misdirection.
Grande Starbucks.
Actually, it's a medium.
You've been out.
Yup. Had some errands to run.
Oh, you fixing cars or...
Oh, are you talking about my outfit?
I like the way it feels against my skin.
This trail of mud seems a bit... suspicious.
Oh, you're just a real Benedict cumberbatch.
- God bless the BBC. - He's hiding something.
No, I'm not.
- We know you can't be trusted. - Yeah.
Like that time you replaced all my shampoo with nair.
That was hilarious.
All of my hair fell out.
That was the hilarious part.
Nick, it was unfortunate, but he's right.
It was fucking hilarious!
Ha ha.
This guy gets it.
Still, it proves you can't be trusted.
He is hiding something.
There was a loud crash in the basement.
What? Dude, you're...
What are you hiding, Erik?
Should we get the darts?
I got a surprise for you.
What is in the basement?
I think you're really gonna like this.
- It might be nair, dude. - It's not nair, Nick.
I'm just saying. I'm not going down there.
What the fuck?
Do you love it?
There's somebody tied up down here.
I'm sorry he's so muddy.
He tried to run, and he fell by the lake.
I didn't do this.
I left him in a more presentable position.
Oh, he's a big boy.
Erik, who is that?
It's the guy.
It's the fucking guy.
- Oh, my god. - What guy?
He's finally done it.
Wait, he-- what has he done?
It's him.
You fucked us all.
Huh? What?
The point is we got him. He's tied up.
He's not so fucking tall now, is he? Is he?
What?
Happy bachelor party.
- Is he okay? - I don't know. Joe.
Something's wrong with him.
Joe.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Yeah, I'm trying to help you.
I'm a little bit lost. Who is that?
You think kidnapping the guy who stole my fiancée
is gonna help me?
- Oh, shit. - Yes!
Dude, it's gonna make you feel so much better
knowing that this asshole paid for what he did.
So now I'm supposed to go down there and beat him with an oar?
Or maybe waterboard him for a bit?
Those sound like great options.
You fucking kidnapped someone!
I know!
You're welcome?
Hey, man, how did you kidnap that guy?
Oh, dude, I'm glad you asked.
It was actually easier than I thought.
First, I called Kelly.
Jess, his best friend, would know what's going on.
- How's her juice business? - I don't know. I didn't ask.
She's terrible with secrets as you all know,
so it didn't take her long to tell me where to find him.
You have to be the biggest--
your place.
- Boom. - I knocked on your door.
This grease ball answered. I tied him up.
What about...
Oh, uh, sent Jess a text with his phone.
"Sorry, I had to leave. My hemorrhoids are killing me."
It works.
- Let me see that. - No.
No, man, trust me.
You don't want to see the things they've been texting.
- Sexting. - It's more about sunsets.
It's revolting.
Okay. Help me out here. I'm trying to piece it together.
Yeah, yeah, shoot.
Guy's kind of a big guy.
- Yeah, he's huge. - He just let you tie him up.
Oh, no. Dude, I had this mask on.
So?
So then I also had my dad's gun.
- What the hell? - That helped.
Fuck! No, don't!
- That helped. - Oh, great.
That's really funny.
Cool down with that thing, man!
For armed kidnapping, that's another ten years.
Fucking great, Erik. You've really done it this time.
Someone's gonna have to use my chloroform.
Why do you have chloroform?
Most people have chloroform.
You're a scary person. Seriously.
Well, great. Looks like we're stuck cleaning up
another one of Erik's messes.
I think we need to think about it.
I think we need to be very careful on our next move.
What happens we let the guy go?
The guy squeals to the cops, Erik goes to jail.
- Good. - Flipside of that coin.
We don't untie him, we're all accomplices,
and we all go to jail.
No one is going to jail!
How do you know?
Dude, nobody's going to the cops!
Not it.
What? No.
No, you can't do that in this situation.
Yes, coming, coming.
- Joe. - I'm sorry.
Talk to the cop, Joe.
Put your fucking thumbs down. You're coming with me.
- Do it. - He's got yellow glasses.
Put your thumbs down! Calm down. Just be calm.
Dude, they're fucking shooting glasses.
Morning, officer.
Good afternoon, son.
Oh, I'm sorry, is is that late already?
Boys having some kind of a party here?
No. I mean, yeah, sort of.
I mean, it's not a party-party.
Which is it?
Uh...
It's his bachelor party, sir.
No. No, it's not. Not, not really.
No, it's really just four guys hanging out for the weekend.
Just one, two, three, four.
No one else, huh?
No. No.
No.
We got a call about a woman in disarray of dress
leaving this residence earlier.
Oh, yeah. Crystal-- Susan.
- Crystal Susan? - Crystal Susan.
- Crystal-Susan.
It's a hyphenate.
So that's an affirmative?
Yes.
Yeah, affirmative, affirmative.
You do realize that prostitution
is illegal in big bear.
Affirmative. Crystal-Susan is a law student.
Actually, she overslept for a law test on legal distress.
That's why she left in disarray...
Of dress.
Yup.
You have a medical marijuana card
from the state of California?
No.
Well, if I hear of anybody
using medical marijuana for recreational purposes,
do you know the first place that I'm gonna come?
Here?
Bright boy, bright boy.
Look at him go.
I got my eye on you four.
One, two, three...
Four.
Well, that was weird.
I'm letting him go.
Wait, wait, wait, listen.
If we make him realize that he deserves what he gets,
he's not going to the cops.
You thought that you'd kidnap this guy,
beat him up, and then he'd say, "yeah, I deserved that."
Yeah, that's about right.
Is this just a joke to you?
No. It's not a joke.
Wha--
do not untie him!
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna come take the tape off now.
Oh, it's really stuck on there.
Oh, it's really stuck.
I can't understand you. There's tape on your face.
Rip it fast.
Oh.
Fuck!
Why would you rip it so slow?
I don't know. I've never done it before.
- You took off part of my lip. - I'm sorry.
You should be.
Look, I don't know what any of this is about.
You don't know who I am?
Uh, no. Should I?
Well, you're wearing my fucking robe.
Oh.
You're Joe.
You're laughing.
- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - You're clearly laughing.
- I'm sorry. I'm not laughing. - It's not funny.
I know it's not. I'm just...
- I'm relieved. - Relieved?
Yeah. I thought it was work-related.
- What do you do for work? - I'm in corporate takeovers.
Some people take it very personally.
The guy who stole my fiancée is in corporate takeovers?
- It's an honest living. - Okay, but you're still tied up
in a scary basement in big bear.
Oh, I love big bear.
But yeah, this is-- i don't think-- you know?
Look, Joe, I'm really sorry
about what happened between you and Jess,
but you can untie me now.
I'm gonna untie you, all right? But before I do that,
I just want you to agree that this was a stupid mistake.
Oh, agreed.
And I just need you to say that you're not gonna go to the cops.
I'm sorry.
No, you can't just take somebody
and expect not to pay the consequences.
Kind of like how you just took my fiancée?
Oh, like what you did there. But no, it's not the same thing.
- It's not? - No. I didn't break any laws.
The basic tenets of almost every law ever written--
the ten fucking commandments--
say you can't take someone else's girl.
Actually, that's your neighbor's wife,
and, technically, you guys weren't married yet.
Who the fuck are you?
Look, Joe, I actually played a very small part in your breakup.
- Really? - Yeah.
You guys have a lot of issues.
Oh, we do? Do tell. I'd love to hear them.
- Would you? - Yeah.
Okay. Well, shit. I mean, uh...
For instance, you...
You hated her family.
I didn't hate her family.
You didn't go on the ski trip last year.
That really hurt Jess's feelings.
I didn't go 'cause her dad was gonna be there and--
wait, how do you know all this?
That's right. You're scared of her father.
I am not scared of her dad.
- You're not? - No.
- You sure? - Yes.
Really?
Fuck you.
Hey, wait, you didn't untie me. Joe!
Hello?
What are you guys doing?
- Huh? - Hey. Nothing, man.
- Did you untie him? - Dude, what happened?
What going on? Hey.
- Um... - Did you untie him?
No, not yet.
- Good. - Can I have this beer?
Yeah, if you like drinking in the morning, go for it.
He's kinda cocky.
Okay! So let's teach this cocky motherfucker some respect.
Fuck. Hold on.
I'll get that.
- Be mean! - Go, Joe!
Go get him, Joe.
Come on, let's do this.
Just a little.
All right, ready?
What was it, end of the lips and over your gums?
Look, when I asked for his blessing
to marry his daughter, he said no.
Ooh. I could understand why you'd be afraid of him then.
Exactly. No, I'm not-- he's a very traditional man,
so I thought if I asked for his blessing,
he might finally show me some respect.
Why did he say no?
He said that if we got married, we'd have a hard time
because I don't make enough money.
Hmm. How much did you pull in last year?
75, 80k?
What?
Fifty? Sixty?
Less? Thirty? Joe!
I had a really rough year last year, okay?
- It wasn't normal. - That's right. You got demoted.
Exactly! Yeah, for reasons out of my control.
Your boss promoted his unqualified nephew or something.
Yes. He had never even worked in our division.
How do you know all that?
How could you let that happen though?
- No, I didn't let it happen. - Yeah.
- Either that or get fired. - So get fired or, shit, quit.
- If it's respect that you want. - I want money.
That was the whole thing.
I needed the money to have a good marriage
so that I could get respect, i thought.
Look, Joe, I think Jess's dad might've been right.
You can't support a family on an income like that.
Half of marriages end because of money problems.
And the other half end because of infidelity.
- Whoa. - Oh, right, right.
You haven't slept with Jess.
Yet.
Why you just untie me
before you do something you're really gonna end up regretting?
You're smarter than this, Joe.
You need to wise up.
You know, you can't go around doing shit like this.
- I guess I just did.
Fuck!
- Chop it up real fine. - Make 'em a little fatter.
- Where'd you get this shit? - It's one of Mike's items.
Oh, Mike. Man, this is a good shit.
Make 'em fat, make 'em big.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
Fuck that guy!
Fuck yeah!
Now do you see?
Somehow that guy knows everything about me.
- He knows everything about you. - He does.
That's what these guys do.
They get the information, they get the girl to vent,
start purging about the boyfriend.
She told him everything.
- Told him everything about you. - Fuck.
- He flipped it on me. - He flipped it on you.
He fucking flipped it on you!
- Fuck that guy. - Fuck that guy!
Except in this case,
he got the fiancée to fucking break up with the fiancé
two weeks before the fucking wedding!
- Fuck it. - Yeah.
- Told you it was good shit. - Is that my credit card?
Where? Oh, is this--
yeah, I think that's yours.
Listen, we have a problem.
Yeah, I know.
We're all accomplices now.
Good for you.
No, we have a bigger problem.
Jess won't stop calling.
Really?
Oh, okay, I got it. Here's what you do. You say,
"hey, sorry I didn't get back to your texts or phone calls.
Just got out of the er.
My hemorrhoids are still bleeding all over the place."
- Oh, gross. - That's the og story.
You gotta stick to it, man.
She's really worried about him, huh?
Who cares? Let her worry.
Nope. Tell her something that'll get her to chill out.
This is your fault for not moving his car.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna kidnap him and valet his car?
Didn't think about that, did you, genius?
You know what? Why don't you say "I'm sorry. My car didn't start,
so I took a cab to my apartment."
- That's good. - What if he has a house?
Your kids don't love you.
Sorry. I didn't mean that.
Say "i took a cab to my place."
- She said he left his wallet. - Goddamn it!
I'm sorry I didn't have time to gather his personal belongings.
Shit. She's gonna call the cops.
Fuck.
I need your help.
Fuck you.
I just need you to tell me what to text Jess
that's gonna get her to calm down.
Fuck you.
Okay, all right.
I'll take the tape off.
I know, I know. Rip it fast.
That is strong duct tape.
Come on. What should I tell her?
Tell her I'm tied up in a basement in big bear
- and to send the police. - Seriously.
Seriously? Why the fuck would I help you?
Because I'm gonna take you back to la,
but it's gonna be a lot more difficult
if Jess goes on one of her patented freak-outs first.
I help you, you're gonna take me back?
- I promise. - Untie me first.
After.
Tell her I'm sorry that I disappeared.
Melanie came and picked me up.
Who's Melanie?
My wife.
What?
Soon to be ex-wife.
- You're married? - Yeah, but--
you cheated on your wife with my fiancée?
- Well... - An emotional affair
is still crossing the line.
- What line? - The line that you cross
when you're sharing energy with someone.
- What? - The fucking line you cross
when you're doing something wrong!
But I guess you don't see it that way
because you didn't bring your dick across the line with you.
This better work.
Asshole.
Well? Did it work?
You guys use emojis?
What the fuck are emojis?
These. Stupid fucking smiley faces and shit.
Yeah. Jess likes them. So what?
Yeah, I know. I hate 'em.
Told her I won't text her back if she used them.
- Why? - Because they're stupid.
They're childish.
If you're gonna say something, say it in words.
- Yeah, but who cares? - I do.
She likes them. So what? That's her thing.
I mean, you think it's important enough to fight about it?
I don't need your stellar relationship counseling.
- Okay, professor love? - Well, maybe you do.
You've already done a whopper on my now previous engagement.
- You came asking for my advice.
Mmm!
Strong tape, strong tape.
- Too tight? - Yeah, wait, hold on.
- Why are we tying me up again? - So you don't hurt yourself.
I don't think it's necessary. Ah, fuck, man!
All right.
- You'll thank me. - Yeah, you're right.
- Why is Nick tied to--
what is she doing here?
Okay, Joe, it's cool. She's here to help with Jess.
What? You told her?
Joe, crystal-Susan is a lady. She understands ladies.
Okay, I'm sorry, crystal-Susan, but it's already taken care of.
Oh, I was just trying to help, so...
Joe, crystal-Susan is here to help, okay?
Please, take it easy.
It seems like she's here for you.
Well...
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Are you really? - Yeah, why not?
At least I think so.
Why is Nick tied to a chair?
Oh, I got such a good idea.
- But it's dangerous. - It's not dangerous.
- Okay, is it dangerous? - Perfectly safe.
- It'll kill him. - What?
Colin, shut up. Nick, you're gonna be fine.
Joe, we gotta teach this guy a lesson.
It is the only way to make sure he doesn't squeal.
- I think I'm out. - Now, nobody here
is talking about permanently hurting,
wouldn't do that. Just talking about a little dose
of very healthy, very safe revenge.
Like what exactly?
Okay, I don't think it would be too much
to tie a car battery to his nipples.
- What? No, no. Is that safe? - No.
- I'm gonna test it on Nick. - Untie me.
I say we pull out some teeth.
I think that would be permanent.
I think we should untie me.
Then we'll get his fingernails.
- Fingernails grow back. - Good point.
- That's so dumb. So much blood. - Let's untie me.
I'm sorry, Mr. electroshock therapy torture man.
I'm trying to teach him a lesson he will remember.
He's not gonna remember anything if you fry his fucking brain.
Guys...
Do you...
Guys, guys, Joe.
Joe?
Hey, man, you okay?
- I'm taking him back to la. - No!
We can't take him back without scaring him first.
- I'll try and reason with him. - Joe, are you okay?
You can't reason with these people.
What was that? What just happened?
And I'm taking him back on my own, all right?
- Untie Nick. - What just happened there?
- I knew it's gonna be too much. - You okay, Joe?
I knew he was gonna freak out with the battery.
You have one unheard message sent today at 9:35 A.M.
Oh, Joey. Oh, baby, oh.
I want you to call and cry with me.
Oh, shit. Are you crying?
No. No, it was-- it was just my mom.
Your mom crying? Okay, good.
Phew. That could've been a little awkward.
- You're gonna be okay. - Thanks.
Right?
Yeah.
Just hurts a lot, you know?
Yeah, man.
Do you remember back in college when my barber died?
I don't think it's the same kind of hurt, exactly.
Maybe.
He was the only guy in the world i trusted to cut my hair.
And then he was just dead.
But you know, I needed to have my hair cut still,
so I found a new barber.
But this fucking guy, he was just so...
Confused by my hair.
There's a delicate, sort of follicular flow
that goes on up here with the two cowlicks.
I have, like, three crowns,
and it's confusing for the best of them.
He just ruined it, man. I was devastated.
It really stressed me out.
I didn't realize that you take your haircut so seriously.
Oh, yeah, big time.
You know, and then my hair started falling out clumps,
which is never good.
I thought, well, fuck, that's gotta be because of the stress.
And so I thought, well, you gotta stop the stress.
But then the stress became about me trying to stop the stress,
which was stressful.
- Huh. - I didn't know what to do.
I was so lost, man.
Then I found out that Erik put nair in my fucking shampoo,
and I was a little hurt, but honestly...
I was a little relieved.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, because my hair had a chance to start over.
It was a new day.
It was a new dawn for me and my buds up there.
You know, I 'm walking around bald as an eagle
with, like, no eyelashes, no eyebrows,
but I didn't have that stupid fucking haircut anymore.
I was free, and the amount of time it took
for my hair to grow back,
I spent that shopping around for a new barber,
and that's when i found Karen.
My rock.
So are you dating Karen now?
No. What?
What?
She cuts my hair.
What?
Although, now that you mention it,
I never really thought of her that way before.
She's, uh, she's quite fetching.
No, fuck, shit. Uh...
He's ready.
All right.
Okay.
I mean it.
Yeah.
- All right. - Okay.
- I'll be in. - Okay.
Crystal left.
Oh.
You hurt her feelings, so she went home.
No, you didn't.
She was just on a stripper smoke break.
She had to get back on the pole.
You want me to untie him?
Not yet.
All right, should I do this fast or slow?
- Slow? - - Fast.
Fast.
Oh, shit.
Sorry. That was really on there good.
Yeah, he was thirsty.
Let's begin.
What the fuck?
- Erik-- - I watched a video on YouTube.
I know exactly how to do it now.
- You said you'd let me go. - We are.
As soon as I introduce you to mega-tron 26 here.
Whoa!
- Jesus! - Oh, fuck.
- It'll work. - It's gonna kill him.
It's not gonna kill him. He's big.
Erik, fucking put it down, all right?
Joe, you gotta teach him a lesson.
No, no, I'm taking him back, all right?
This was a huge mistake.
You're goddamn right it was.
But nobody got hurt.
- Yet. - Just shut the fuck up.
These are teachers.
And can you really blame my friends
for trying to make me feel better?
You must be Colin.
Jess tell you I was the most handsome of the guys?
No, but she gave pretty good descriptions of all of you.
Not surprised at all that you would do something this stupid.
Let me tell you something, guy.
There are a lot more stupider things we can do.
More stupid. You must be Nick.
Ha!
What? Fuck you, man!
Now I'm definitely gonna electrocute him.
- Yeah, get him. - Okay, you know what? No.
- I like being Nick. - Yes!
No, you're not. Look.
It doesn't matter who anyone is.
- I'm taking him back to la. - That is a bad idea.
This whole fucking thing was a bad idea, Erik.
I haven't seen you guys in months,
and I thought it'd be great to reconnect with you
one last time before i got married, but now...
Now I'm not getting married
because my fiancée dumped me for this fucking guy.
But instead of making me feel better,
I'm hungover,
I can't sit down
because crystal-Susan broke a belt over my ass,
and to top it all off, you kidnapped this fucking guy.
- I have a name, dude. - Shut up!
You know, when this thing's all over,
I don't think I wanna see you guys for a while.
I have to be honest, Joe. I think that's for the best.
- Shut up. - Okay.
What's that for?
- Just take it. - No, no, no, no.
Erik, I am not taking that.
Uh-oh, he's running.
Oh, shit.
Go that way!
Split up.
- Why didn't you grab him? - Was I supposed to grab him?
- I got him, Joe! - Get him, get him, get him!
Come on.
Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
Agh! Fucking altitude.
Ohh!
Nick! Nick!
Ah, fuck. Okay!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Okay, okay, all right.
Hey.
What the fuck, man?
You run so fucking fast.
Do you work out or something?
I ran track in high school.
- So did I, 15 years ago. - Why did you run, man?
- I said we're gonna let you go. - So why are my hands tied?
You still haven't said that you aren't going to the cops,
and I thought maybe I could talk some sense into you.
Oh, right, talk some sense into me.
Well, you're the one who's still tied up,
which means that you can't swim.
- I bet he's a great swimmer. - Oh, fuck yeah.
Come on, man.
I'll untie your hands in the car.
That's a good idea.
Come on.
Hey, guys, where'd he go?
Nick, hang on!
Oh, shit.
You killed him.
- Why'd you do that? - He's not dead.
See? He's fine.
His nose looks kinda broken.
Yeah, it kinda does.
Come on, let's get him in the car.
He still hasn't learned anything.
Stop making this worse.
I'm trying to make it better.
Erik, no, I'm not taking that.
Do what you said.
Make him dig his own grave and scare the shit out of him.
No, I'm not doing that.
No one is gonna wanna marry you
if you can't stand up for yourself.
Fuck you.
Have a nice drive.
If you hurry, you might still make it to Ikea.
Hey, man, call us when you get back to la.
Hey, I wanna tell you that I texted Karen.
We're gonna meet up for dinner next week in la.
Karen?
Yeah, my barber.
Give me the fucking keys.
Okay.
Ow.
Jesus, my nose.
Is my nose-- my nose is broken.
- It's fine. - No.
This is fucking broken. Look at this!
It was a little bit crooked before.
- No, it wasn't. - Yeah, it was.
I don't think so.
Everyone's nose is a little bit crooked, all right?
You didn't have a perfectly straight nose.
Oh, my god, this is so uncomfortable.
My arms are gonna fucking fall asleep.
Okay, I can't feel my hands now.
You don't need your hands
to sit in the passenger side of a car.
It's two hours back to la?
Thereabouts.
What the fuck are you worried about?
Well, you bulldozed me into a lake.
Come on, man. I'm not gonna jump out of a moving car.
Damn it.
Shit.
Oh, my god, this is really uncomfortable.
Just try to relax your arms. They won't fall asleep.
See how I'm sitting? How am I supposed to relax?
- Just...
- Fuck. - Now you have to untie me.
No way.
What, you know him?
Don't say anything.
I'm not gonna have to.
All right, lift your arms up. Hurry up. Get them up.
I can't lift them any higher. My arms fell asleep.
Oh, shit. You're doing it tighter.
No, i-- i was tightening it.
He's coming, Joe. Now he's coming.
Shh, shh. Okay.
Don't say anything, please.
Well.
Cheech and Chong.
Hi.
Are you?
What?
Are you high, son?
No.
- What about you? - He's not.
I was talking to him.
No.
Officer, I don't smoke.
Of course you don't.
You have any idea why I'm asking you that?
Because you're cracking down
on the abuse of medical marijuana in big bear?
Are you patronizing me, son?
No. No, i-- you said that before.
Is your nose broke?
No, sir. It's always been a little bit crooked.
Hmm.
License and registration.
Affirmative.
What did you say to me?
Yes. Yes.
Registration's in the glove box.
Uh-huh.
You just got your nails done?
I got it, I got it.
What?
License and registration.
Where are you two young men headed today?
- A hike. - To la.
You both just told me two different things.
Son, where are you headed?
Step out of the vehicle.
Officer, excuse me.
We're going back to la.
But we're just gonna stop off real quick and have a hike.
You know, enjoy some nature
before we have to head back to that smog-infested jungle.
I never did care too much for Los Angeles myself.
Oh, lord, me neither.
But it sure is nice that there's a place
as safe and quiet as big bear's so close.
Up around the next bend, there's a real pretty hike.
It's my husband's favorite.
Just make sure you park in the designated parking areas only.
Absolutely. Thank you, officer.
Sure.
Pants?
Next time.
Crack, crack.
Did he say husband?
Why did you say we were going for a hike?
Because we are.
- I'm not. - Yes, you are.
Okay, I could have just told that cop
about the gun that you're hiding underneath your leg.
Yeah? Well, why didn't you?
I don't know.
Because you saved me from your friends,
and you said you were gonna take back me to la.
And maybe I feel a little bit sorry for you.
You ruined my life, but not my bachelor party.
I thought it wasn't your bachelor party anymore.
Yeah, well, it is, whether I like it or not.
Okay, Joe,
but you're digging a very deep hole for yourself here.
No.
That's what you're gonna do.
Ohh...
No.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
I'm digging.
No, you're whistling.
Yeah. I do that when I'm bored.
Aren't you thinking about what you did?
No. I'm thinking about what a waste of time this is.
- What? - You're not going to shoot me.
If your friend Erik was here, I'd be a little fucking worried
because that guy, he's psycho.
You need to be thinking about what you did
that got you to this place.
I opened the door to your psycho friend.
- Before that. - I didn't convince Jess
to fall out of love with you, all right?
That happened a long time before i ever came around.
- Fuck you. - It's true!
In reality, i played a very little part
in the breakup of your marriage.
- A little part? - Yeah.
Are you talking about your dick?
- No. - Is your dick the little part?
Because in the reality that I live in,
the number one thing Jess loves to freak out about
is her allergy to latex.
So we always had to use polyisoprene condoms,
and they only come in wrappers
like the one that fell out of your pocket back in the car.
So I guess your little part, I'm talking about your dick,
played a pretty big part in why she left me.
Hey, it's your robe. Could've been your condom.
Yeah. Well...
I don't wear magnums.
Has it ever occurred to you
that that she might've left you not because of who I am,
but because of who you aren't?
Get out.
- What? - Hand me the shovel.
- I can keep digging. - That's deep enough.
- No, it's not deep enough. - Yes, it is.
It's not long enough.
Hand me the fucking shovel!
Okay.
Get out.
Joe, calm down.
Turn around.
- All right, why don't we just-- - shut the fuck up for once.
- Okay. - Turn around.
Okay.
You don't need to do this, Joe.
I'm so tired of everyone telling me what they think I need.
All right. Okay.
Maybe this is exactly what I need.
Maybe I know.
Maybe I know what I need.
I love him.
Oh, shit.
Ooh!
Oh, my--
oww!
It's all your fault, you fuck! Why'd you do this to me?
- It's my fault, okay? - I will fucking kill you!
- Don't kill me, please! - Give me a fucking reason!
Because, Joe, I have a kid!
All right? I have a daughter.
Her name is Meg, and she's amazing and beautiful.
Please don't take me away from her, Joe, please.
Please don't take me away from her, Joe. Please.
Why is your wedding ring on if you're getting divorced?
Why do you still have your wedding ring on?
You haven't told her yet?
I was gonna tell her today.
We weren't careful, and...
I thought it was the right thing to do, to get married.
Was it also the right thing to do
to cheat on your wife with my fiancée?
Jess didn't cheat on you. Not like that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, last night was the first time that we ever...
Polyisoprened.
Great. You guys just started boning last night.
That makes me feel so much better. Thank you.
You know what, Joe? My life is not all rosy either.
- Really? - No, it's not.
I got married to a woman that I barely even know.
We're not happy.
Why marry someone you're not happy with?
It didn't seem like the most important criteria at the time.
Why did you wanna get married to Jess?
- Because I love her. - Yeah?
So what?
What else?
Because we...
We were dating.
We lived together and...
Then you get married.
So it was just a step?
Things were good.
We worked. Isn't that why you marry someone
because you love them and you can live with them?
No, I don't think so anymore.
I think you marry someone because you love them,
and you can't live without them.
For the longest time, I was just dealing with my life, you know,
because I took the step that i thought I was supposed to take.
But that's not fair.
It's not fair to my wife,
it's not fair to my daughter, and it's not fair to me.
Then I met Jess, and it was different.
I was different,
and I knew immediately that no matter what,
no matter how fucking messy this thing got,
no matter how painful,
this was life...
Giving me exactly what I needed:
An opportunity to start over.
Like nair.
What?
I was relieved.
When she broke off the engagement, I was angry
and disappointed and pissed, but...
The first thing I felt, and I...
I didn't know why,
I was relieved.
I guess it was a pretty good sign
that you weren't supposed be married.
So in a way, I guess i sort of did you a favor.
No, I'm kidding.
Jesus, man.
Fuck, are you for real?
I mean, after all this?
You were kidnapped, tied up in a basement,
I put a fucking gun to your head
and made you dig a hole in the ground,
and you still can't say that you feel sorry
for stealing my fiancée?
Why do you care so much about how I feel?
I don't know.
I think I thought it would make it go away.
Make what go away?
It's like this bear comes out of the woods
and just sits down on my chest,
and I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm gonna suffocate
because this fucking bear is just sitting on top of me.
Thought maybe if I got revenge, it would stop.
So you thought if you killed me,
your panic attacks would go away?
- What? - You get tunnel vision?
Yeah.
Feel like your heart's beating out of your chest?
Yeah.
I had those right before I had my kid.
I was so fucking scared.
How did you get it to stop?
- Well, I didn't kill anybody. - I wasn't gonna kill you.
I just thought maybe if I scared you,
you know, if I made you dig your own grave--
like in a mob movie?
Yeah.
That's ridiculous.
You know, when I get back to la, i have nowhere to live.
I am a...
I am a homeless, underemployed,
thirty-something single male
who just got dumped by his fiancée
because he was too afraid to do it himself.
Well, hey, I'm getting a divorce.
- You're gonna be a divorcé. - With a kid.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
- That might be worse. - It's way worse.
And you're never gonna get custody of the kid
because you're leaving her,
and you're only gonna get to see your kid
twice a month, if that.
Oh, shit.
Jess farts in her sleep.
Really?
Sometimes.
Just make sure you fall asleep first.
Yeah.
Just leave it at Jess's. I need to get my clothes still.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe, I know you don't want anybody telling you
what you need right now, but...
I always found it was best just to face it head-on.
What?
The bear.
Aaahhh!
No, no!
Ohh!
Boom, boom, boom!
Fuck yeah!
Oh! Oh, that was awesome.
Awesome, awesome. That was awesome.
- You guys were great. - Fuck you!
Yeah?
Fuck you.
Welcome back, amigo.
Gracias.
Ahh!
I feel so much better.
Oh, you guys probably want those off.
Ow! Ohh!
These clamps really hurt. What are you doing, Joe?
I think the faster, the better.
You wouldn't.
- I need to. - No, you don't.
- Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. - No, no, no, no!
- Don't!
I know. I know we all lose our way from time to time.
I just thought I was stronger than that, you know?
I'm embarrassed.
No, you're right, you're right.
Without weakness, we never know what true strength is.
Sage words.
What time is the meeting tomorrow night?
No, I don't need a ride.
That's cool. All right. Thanks, Mike.
I'll see you there, definitely.
All right. Later, bye.
Sorry about that.
Hey, where's my dad's gun?
Oh, I buried it.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn it, man! He's gonna be really pissed off.
Well, I hate my dad.
You need a place to crash for a while, Joe?
Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks.
Where are you gonna stay?
I have no idea.
- Hey, dude! - What, what?
Come over here.
Give me a hug, man.
See, what you were scared of this whole time
is exactly what you've been fighting for, man.
Hey!
Did I tell you what to think, man?
Well, good.
But I hope you didn't listen.
At least in hindsight.