Morning, Dad.
Oh, hi, honey. I got a surprise.
Oh, I don't like surprises.
In honor of launching Rice Nine in India,
Mogil is doubling our staff and our research budget.
That's a good face.
I have so many ideas, Dad.
Your mother would be very proud.
Well, uh, time to go. I'll see you at the lab.
Bye.
We're gonna do it, Mom.
Yes.
Dad, look at this.
The ribosome is resistant to the MD mosaic virus.
Rice Nine. Resistance to drought, flood,
pestilence and blight.
Nine percent more protein.
As many nutrients in a single cup
as a steak dinner, and salad and baked potato.
With or without sour cream?
With sour cream.
As promised, the father-daughter team
behind Rice Nine.
One cup of Rice Nine has as much calcium
as a 30-gram dollop of sour cream.
Would you guys like to take a look in the microscope?
- Oh, yes. - Dr. Linda Watt.
And don't let her youth fool you.
Movie time, gentlemen.
India.
Five hundred million farmers, 1.1 billion rice eaters,
all of them potential customers.
Bilari, the birthplace of Basmati rice.
How did you figure that out?
It's not a fact, it's an article of faith
with our marketing department.
Who say that launching Rice Nine
in the hallowed cradle of Basmati rice
will be an auspicious event.
We need the Indians to trust us.
And at the moment, they don't.
Berg, you said Jeffries would be perfect
as Mogil's friendly face in India.
Turns out his face was a little too friendly.
He got caught with a governor's wife.
- I... - Shut up, Berg.
We could lose India because of that.
And we cannot lose India.
No, we cannot.
We need someone who can make them forget Jeffries.
We need someone they can believe in.
With the power to melt hardened hearts.
Someone with delicacy.
Hearts and minds.
Trust. That someone works inside Mogil.
Let's think outside the box.
Hmm. Too passive.
A long shot.
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Fire that fellow.
Young Dr. Watt.
Dr. Watt, a question.
Isn't it true you created this
just so Mogil can patent and own it?
No, we created it to help farmers all over the world.
Rice Nine produces 22% more rice per acre.
And the patents pay for the lab.
But she's a scientist.
A seed that could feed the world.
And I'm... proud.
Doctors Watt.
Mr. Gurgon. What a surprise.
Well, well. The creators of Rice Nine.
I've got some good news for you.
We're sending you to India tomorrow.
- Me? - What?
I don't even like leaving my own neighborhood.
I mean, who does?
Jeffries screwed the pooch.
And we don't have a sales rep who can help us.
I don't even have a passport.
It's just three weeks.
In and out.
This is too important.
I'm not a public relations person.
She's practically running the lab now.
- That's where you want her. - Absolutely, of course. Yes.
But there won't be a lab if we lose India.
Train station.
This street.
No, I got it. Or not.
Ow!
I'm sorry. Please take it.
No, you take it.
What? You have to try this tea.
It's from the Northeast. It's delicious.
India's destiny's at stake.
It's a tragedy to let such a mind go to waste.
And you know, my professor said I was best in class.
A blend of natural brilliance and dedication.
I'm paraphrasing, but only slightly.
I was studying at a great college.
First in my family. Now my talents go to waste
because I can't afford my tuition.
Here, auntie, let me help you.
You know, yesterday I was working
towards my country's future,
and by dinner time I'll be in the fifth century.
How are the crickets? You know, the ones in the lab
that eat at night and the ones in the apartment
- that eat during the day. - They're good.
But they, um... they won't touch the manicotti.
No. No.
The frozen manicotti is actually for you.
I know that it says two minutes on high, but... blech!
It's actually two minutes, 44 seconds works the best.
How are you doing?
- Should I be worried? - No, it's not so bad.
It's actually kind of like Penn Station.
I hate to say it, but I think I have to go.
I love you. Ooh!
Don't worry yourself, Ma.
I've thoroughly prepared myself to ferry this old man around
while he takes less note of me than a stray dog.
You're as important as you make yourself.
Uh...
Um...
Pardon me, you're Dr. Watt's assistant?
Oh, you mean the old guy?
Tweedy coat, glasses.
Um...
I'm him. Or I'm me.
- Oh... - I'm Dr. Linda Watt.
It's okay.
Your father must be so proud of you.
This is my son, William J. Patel.
I will be your government rep, and don't you worry.
We will turn this Mogil mess right around, Dr. Watt.
Linda. You can call me Linda.
Linda.
- Please. - Oh, great.
- Oh, I... - I'll get...
Please, let me.
Just, um... It's okay.
Thank you.
Of course.
Believe we're riding in mama's limo.
He is. He's in the Agriculture Ministry.
Who's his new American girlfriend?
Ah. Does my brother have a crush?
Come on, get on with it!
- Hiiii! - What's the rush?
If we're late your mother's abandonment issues
will make her cook a lot of food.
And if we don't eat all of it,
then her irrational fears will cause a persecution complex.
What?
Psychology programs on the radio.
Don't ask.
Come on, Freud, Jung, get on with it! Ahh!
Chromosome!
Oh, you're awake.
Am I? Where am I?
Um, your home. We're here.
Have a seat.
So, tomorrow I will show you the wonder of Bilari.
Uh, no, I can't.
I've never done anything like this before,
so I really need to focus on getting ready.
There's just the one wonder, really.
Thank you, but I have over 100 specimen slides to prepare.
Your plan is to show slides to farmers?
Mm-hmm.
Linda, these are simple men...
Honey, we're glad you've come to drag these savages
- out of the Stone Age. - Oh, but I don't think...
Farmers are the feet on which the nation stand.
I know.
I know that.
I'm with you.
Good morning, Rajit.
Wake up, Rajit.
Good morning!
Dad!
Yes.
The lab is equipped.
There's rice, and air circulation
and people who hang things on the walls.
It's perfect.
Ish.
That was nothing.
Just a little deviation from the norm.
Sorry.
I can't believe I'm back to this. I...
It's a stem borer egg.
You know they'll kill half the crop.
I was studying a stinkweed called hyzarium geranus
that would have killed these.
Ah. I told everyone you went away on a vacation.
Yeah, you just plant them between the rice rows
and you don't need any expensive pesti...
They thought I was on vacation.
You know how they are. "Your son is very smart.
He found a way to get out of working."
Sorry.
Not smart enough to figure out how to pay for college.
They mock you out of insecurity.
I want to know how this makes you feel.
Trapped.
Suffocated.
Ooh.
Wait.
I might have enough money to buy stinkweed plants.
People will line up to buy them.
Wait, wait. Come back!
This is my ticket back to college.
Come back! We were making real progress.
Not possible.
I had this thing charging all night.
Never say impossible.
The power was out all night.
You know what, take me home.
I will order the slides from the house phone.
And you can charge your phone in the car.
Don't leave me here.
I'll get the part, drive you home.
You can order new slides. No problem.
Patel, make sure this new rep stays sober.
You don't have to worry about Linda, sir.
Linda?
Don't even think about trying anything with her.
No, sir, of course not.
Look, the Indian farmers really need this.
- Yes, sir. - Hope you're your father's son.
The farmers loved him.
You'll take her to 35 cities in 20 days.
She lectures and inspires, you handle the contracts.
Yes, sir.
I won't let you down, Director Kapoor. Thank you.
No. Thank your mother.
Hello.
Hi.
Do you speak English?
English?
Yes, lady memsahib.
I'm speaking English many.
Please, thank you.
Are you going into town?
Yes, lunching. Monkey masala today.
Monkey masala?
Very bad monkey.
Monkeys many hungry. Very chewing.
Cooking long times.
Oh.
Oh, is that for rice?
No.
It's for killing monkeys. Come, watching.
- I haven't seen any monkeys. - Shh. It's good weapon.
Uh, this how we making hello.
Hello.
A traditional greeting.
We don't do this where I'm from.
But we should.
It's fun.
Hello.
This is a monkey bridge.
Listen, it's impossible to catch jet lag.
But the man back there said you can.
- Hi. - Linda. What a surprise.
Hi. I met these guys. This is Rajit and this is Buddy.
Yeah. Um...
I want you to meet a village elder from the shrine.
Shri Barshlam.
Linda.
Greet him.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh...
Um...
He says you must learn to ride a horse.
Oh.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Crazy.
What?
Amused?
- Yeah. - Mm, little bit.
Kind of.
You may think this is very funny, but as a rice farmer
she is the most important person in your life.
Oh, look at this.
Suddenly, Prince William knows all about farming.
Hey, Buddy's goat is the most important thing in his life.
One day, know what, our love won't be forbidden.
What does she know about farming, huh?
She thought a hoe was for killing monkeys.
And her fingertip, did you notice?
It had no callus.
It was soft as ghee.
It was pretty soft.
- Hmm. - Hmm.
- Monkey masala? - If you're buying.
- Yeah, I can buy you some. - Thank you, sir.
I always wanted to see a Broadway show.
The Empire State Building.
Maybe go to a Yankee game.
I know I only ran into you because your phone died.
- And your car died. - Mm.
But I'm glad it did.
Yeah, I'm glad too.
You rescued me.
I can't save you from everything.
Shri insists you go riding, so...
Oh. Well, I used to love to ride.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, you could come too. But first...
After we get the farmers onboard.
- Right. - You know what?
You should meet their kids.
One...
Two...
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we interrupting?
No, no. Please come in.
Oh, um... It's an emergency at the Ministry.
I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see you later.
Girls... Go practice.
I'm Sita. And you're Linda. The beautiful American
who's replacing the drunk, adultering salesman.
Wow, word really gets around.
We call it the Rice Paddy Radio.
You're new here, so you're coming to my family's house
- for dinner tonight. - Cool.
- Yeah, you now. - Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
Hands in position.
One, two...
This is it. One.
Two.
Our son is a scientist too.
Rajit always did experiments.
He was always top of his class.
He researches agricultural sustainability.
Impressive. I can't wait to meet him.
He's considered an expert on stinkweed.
Wow.
Such a diligent student.
Rajit.
That's him?!
That's the monkey hunter.
Traditional family greeting.
Real mature, Rajit.
That was pretty funny.
Well, you know, we met once before.
On the train? I was on the roof.
You gave me the last tea.
From the Northeast.
How did you end up coming here?
- Do you eat cows? - Are you married?
No. Who has time for that?
Not that it... That it's always...
She's taking time to think and become more of her own person.
Rajit is single though.
Yeah, Sima ran up to Delhi to be a cosmetologist.
Yeah, and that was a win-win.
That marriage was arranged by the gods!
But you young people with your anxiety...
...and your narcissism.
- So, Rajit, you're a student? - Yes.
Well, he's working on his degree in Agricultural Science.
- Not anymore. - I'm taking a sabbatical.
- You know how it is. - Absolutely.
Reboot. Come back with fresh eyes.
Yes.
That's a very sad story.
- Mm. - But true.
You can keep the guitar.
- Oh, I couldn't. - Yeah.
Some hippie left it many years ago.
It's just lost that... patchouli smell.
The British stole the silverware,
that's why we eat with our hands.
So, how does a scientist get into seed sales?
I don't know.
- They sang me a song. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I think you're really gonna like it here, doctor.
Hey.
Welcome to my office.
- It's very roomy. - Mm-hm.
You must be very important.
Oh, very.
And then the stem-borers.
They're like the piranhas of the paddies.
Yes, they can eat twice their weight in six hours.
I have nightmares about those guys.
But you know there is a ferbacia that can kill it.
Hedysarum geranus.
That is my sixth favorite weed.
- Wow, that is so weird. - Yeah.
I never met anybody who likes weeds.
What an unexpected night.
That's Aman. My ride.
- Of course. - Mm-hm.
It was nice... re-meeting you.
You should stop by my lab.
I'll show you my rice.
- Okay. - Okay.
Bye, Linda!
Bye.
Ta-da!
Ooh!
Luckily, I have no end to my self-esteem.
Don't move!
Turns out I do have an end to my self-esteem.
I have negative air pressure
to keep the foreign pollens out. But those were pretty.
Exora cocinea?
Of course. Exora cocinea.
I'm a gentleman, you know.
You should join me tonight.
Farmers are gonna be here in an hour.
No slides! I wish I had some experience teaching.
I'm supposed to win back their hearts and minds.
What does that even mean?
Hmm. Wouldn't it be more poetic if it was in a circle?
You know, the endless cycle of life kind of thing?
- Would you care to join me? - T-shirts!
Um... you know what?
I'll come back.
Bye.
Oh, thanks for the flowers.
You're welcome.
- Rajit. - Billy.
Scoring off those bananas.
Nice outfit.
Have a good day.
I brought you local bananas.
Put these on. This is a sterile lab.
And get the musa acuminata out of here.
It's a sub-species, first of all, and they're really sweet.
Please put this on or go outside.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
You know your rice is going to have to grow outside.
It's called Mother Nature, there's flowers.
People walk around barefoot, it's beautiful.
- You don't know what I'm doing. - I know.
That's why I'm here. You invited me, remember?
Wow. So this is what an American rice paddy looks like.
How come the life cycles are in a line, not a circle?
- I like when it's in a circle. - Because this one's not.
I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm exasperated.
Don't worry, India does that to all newcomers.
Uh-uh. I'm pretty sure it's just you.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hm.
Okay, well, then consider these apology bananas.
They can be a sub-species of apology banana.
Outside.
Rajit! Rajit, work!
Okay, but I'm gonna come back to further my education.
- Okay. - Okay, and I'll leave these...
- Don't leave them here! - I know, I know.
Have a good day. That's a really cute hat. We match.
- Rajit. - Okay, bye.
You're in avoidance mode.
So Rice Nine, it's different because...
Did you really hit our town elder?
Uh, it was a misunderstanding.
It was just a tap.
What makes it different...
Drought resistant, pest resistant,
vitamins, nine percent more protein.
We even know the jingle.
Oh.
Yeah, I brought my microscope...
But your slides were ruined. So we heard.
On Rice Paddy Radio.
So nothing to show now.
Yeah.
I don't know why I'm here. I should...
be in the lab with my dad.
Uh, Rajit's father told us
your vulnerability would evoke our paternal instincts.
Jeffries never even spoke with us.
And you went to a farmer's house and had a meal.
And you give us these nice hats and slippers.
Hey, you know what is cool under a microscope?
A human hair.
Ow!
I'll show you.
Hm?
I'm intrigued.
What we're talking about is natural management.
That means planting more of my stinkweed,
- and planting further apart. - Ah.
Plant less plants. That does sound natural.
For a lazy man.
What else? Should we get more sleep?
Mogil's got it all figured out with Rice Nine.
Even the stem beetles.
Rice Nine is armored with a protective sheath.
What is this Rice Nine?
You really should have come to Dr. Linda's class this morning.
This is her rice?
Don't you talk to your girlfriend?
Hey, she's not my girlfriend, okay?
That's beside the point. I, a farmer
from your own village am here. I'm trying to help you.
Learn something.
The farmers like Rice Nine, Dad.
They just needed to know there was someone behind it
- they could trust. - Dr. Linda, hi.
- Dr. Linda, hello. - Hi.
Sounds like you made some friends today.
Now to win over the rest of the country.
Our little rice is all grown up.
This harvest we're exchanging our old, crappy rice
for shiny, new, high-yield Rice Nine.
Hm.
They're having an event.
"Rice Exchange Day".
Right here, in the hallowed cradle of Basmati rice.
Hallowed cradle? What are you talking about?
It's catchy.
Listen, if you think some big agro-business
is gonna look out for your best interests, you're crazy.
Move your cloud of doom out of my sunlight.
I can't see my cards.
And I was not on vacation!
Oh, hey, guys. Great news.
I survived my presentation.
You guys should stop by and check it out
before I take this show on the road.
So, any questions about rice, just let me know.
Did you know we've been farming for over 5,000 years?
It just feels that way.
That came out wrong.
I'm just here to help.
- Which is a great opportunity. - Sure.
Did you know in today's India we're worth more
than just, I don't know, tech support
for some screaming, sobbing American
who's erased their hard drives?
- Mogil sent me here... - Oh, the benevolent Mogil.
You ever heard the phrase a wolf in sheep's clothing?
Yeah. It's a lot like a person who pretends to be helpful
and really they're just screwing with somebody.
You thought we had monkeys.
Because you lied to me.
If you weren't so self-involved you would have remembered me
from the train and you wouldn't have fallen for it.
Maybe you're not as memorable as you think.
Because so many men are falling at your feet
that you can't even remember who they are.
How can you be so vain?
Wow, you're mad at me because I don't remember you
and I'm the one who's vain?
Well...
You thought we ate monkeys!
Aman, could you stop the car?
I feel like walking.
Walking?
I just want to look at the stars.
Sure, sure.
Rajit, why is it when you tell me
not to sign the Mogil contract I want to sign it more?
You're not listening.
Look, with stinkweed my rice harvest is gonna outweigh
anything you've ever grown.
You do know we've grown rice for 5,000 years
- around here, young man. - Ha-ha-ha!
We're talking about a contest here, all right?
At harvest time, take equal sections
of Linda's paddy field and Rajit's field
and weigh them against each other.
Biggest harvest wins.
Look, you're gonna forget about Rice Exchange Day,
or Rice Nine or whatever,
and you're gonna line up to buy my stinkweed.
Just keep your gossipy mouths shut, okay?
Oh, you're gonna keep it a secret from your girlfriend?
She's not his girlfriend.
Okay, look, I'm gonna tell her, all right?
It's just, uh, scientific protocol.
- Oh. - Scientific...
- Just shut up about it, okay? - Yeah, yeah, right.
And if William pressures you to sign...
Tell him the stars aren't lucky until after Diwali.
Maybe he really did learn something on vacation.
Hmm, no point signing the Mogil contracts
until we see how this turns out.
Ooh. An epic battle for our affections.
Let's spread the word.
It's me again. Did anybody sign anything yet?
Dr. Watt is making sense.
And she speaks from the heart.
Please, I'm telling you my stinkweed's gonna work.
Just give me until the harvest, and I'll prove it.
Don't sign those contracts.
It's nothing to worry about, right?
There's always the anomaly.
Just one bad day.
Congratulations, Rajit.
Rice Paddy Radio says nobody's signing.
12 cities and bupkis. Not a single contract signed.
This is bad.
Are you hearing anything on Rice Paddy Radio?
Rice Paddy what?
It's Linda's office, they have her on the line.
Dr. Linda Watt. I was just thinking about you.
Sorry, it's William J. Patel.
But I had to get through.
Lapel.
It's Patel.
You're even handsomer than I'd imagined.
What's up?
Actually, it's about that wonder rice of yours,
the rice that produces no seed.
- Lapel. - Patel.
Rice is a seed.
About that contract of yours...
I had to read the fine print three times
before I could understand the implications.
Implications?
Once you take their rice, they're trapped... by yours.
And you have the farmers lining up for it,
thanks to Linda's passion.
- Now Lapel... - My name is Patel.
I know it's your instinct to shout those implications
from the top of the tallest pagoda.
Linda has no idea, does she?
- Scotch, is it? - Excuse me?
Royal Salute, is that your drink?
Uh...
Berg, he takes it on the rocks.
Nice, isn't it?
As it happens, you called at a most...
They're on the line, MG.
Auspicious moment.
Are you with us, Geneva?
Are you with us, London?
Berlin.
Alan Wood.
Good morning.
Hello, Uncle Gene.
Are you with us, Lapel?
Well, I'm listening but I'm not with anybody, just...
Don't be coy.
You called. A rupee for your thoughts.
Well, to be honest, I'm not so sure the farmers
will be able to pay for the seed year after year.
Well, if they don't have cash, there are other ways to pay.
Land, for example.
I mean, why should farmers have to worry about owning land.
Hmm.
So, who would own the farmers' land?
One big local landowner.
Understand?
With a big cowboy hat and it's from profit.
Simple as that.
Take out your steno pads, ladies.
Oh, Evelyn!
What's that look, Lapel?
This is a hat...
for a hero.
Well?
Now I see the implications.
It's no accident we've been thrown together like this, son.
It's destiny.
You're bound, bound for glory.
Don't let me down.
And there'll be a place for you...
in New York City.
Why isn't anyone signing these?
Rumesh?
Contracts must after until after Diwali.
The stars are bad.
Only two farmers have signed and it's almost Rice Exchange Day.
How am I gonna face my father?
- This is the best rice... - Okay, okay. Wait, listen.
Shh. Don't even think about the contracts. That's my job.
I know farmers.
Everything, including contracts, is "in the stars".
Well, those stars better shift fast.
After the holiday, they'll sign.
- Diwali? - Mm-hm.
Diwali's kind of like Christmas, so nobody will sign on Diwali.
But they will, after.
You've impressed them so much.
Chief, could you get us a couple of Cokes, please?
There are some in the fridge.
Oh, yes.
I'm on it.
So... we're going dancing tonight.
What?
It's in the stars.
One, please.
Hm. From the Northeast.
Oh. Thank you.
You don't look ready to go dancing.
Show me another dress.
My other dress is a lab coat.
What are you do...
What are you doing?
Artie's dress will fit.
It's decided.
I'll have Rajit drive you.
Hey, girl!
Come in.
How was your vacation?
Very relaxing.
Dance!
Hey!
- What is going on? - Don't worry.
Let's try this. Right, screw in the light bulb.
Pet a goat.
Light bulb. Pet goat.
I'm going to get something to drink.
Okay. I'll be right here.
Sorry.
Hey.
Nice to see a familiar face.
Yeah. You know, you've got some really good moves.
You must have been Indian in a past life.
You have some moves too.
Yeah, I must have been white in a past life.
It's really great getting out. I've been so stressed.
Why? You can tell me.
My father's practically a psychologist.
Nobody's signing the contracts.
I don't know why. It's...
I've been losing sleep over it.
I'm... sure it's nothing personal.
I know. I know.
It's just me thinking about it all the time.
It's, um, it's Diwali. You know, the stars.
They're lousy for contracts.
I heard. It's okay.
I-I just...
drive myself crazy sometimes.
But you know, tonight is about fun.
So...
To fun!
I'll let you go.
How 'bout just one dance?
Hey! Are you looking for Linda?
- Yeah. - She's upstairs.
Oh. Thanks.
Linda...
about Diwali.
I've gotta confess something.
Show me your hand stamp.
Out of here.
What's this all about?
This is how all my nights out end.
- I'll find you tomorrow. - Move it, move it!
- There you are. - They just threw Rajit out.
That's terrible.
Up, up, up!
I think I finally caught Linda's eye.
Any girl can see you're the world's most lovable boy.
Your father would have wanted you to have this.
He'd be so proud.
It's in Ma's jewelry box.
The song Dad wrote for her.
The song you should sing for Linda.
Ah!
I'm gonna tell her about the secret rice weighing contest.
I'm gonna beg her forgiveness,
and I'll sing her this song.
Skip the begging and just sing the song.
Trust me.
It is possible that Linda's rice will win.
- Win what? - Oh!
Why do those bags say "Rajit" and "Linda"?
Did you harvest my Rice Nine paddy?
Is that hedysarum geranus?
That is stinkweed.
- Hello? - Linda? Hello.
Dad, hi.
I'm flying out there for the big day.
- No, Dad... - Yes?
You don't have to come out here.
I know, but Gurgon said... or did something.
I want to be there. I'm so proud of you.
I see.
Well, that's... that's great, Dad.
- Um... bye. - Good-bye?
Oh!
- Stinkweed! - Linda...
Diwali. Lousy stars?
Violence is not the answer.
It depends on the question.
These are for you.
I was going to tell you, but then I got afraid, and then...
it became too late!
All those sleepless nights because you're a lying jerk!
Dr. Linda, hi!
Linda. Linda!
Look. I told you they'd all sign after Diwali.
Dr. Linda, you won!
Farmers are signing all over the country.
93 contracts in our office alone.
Good stuff, Dr. Linda. You weighed in great.
Yes. Rice Nine is the best.
Sorry, Rajit. Cheer up.
You'll find another way back to college.
Linda!
I've got champagne.
Come on up. Let's toast.
Linda! Linda.
You're a really fast runner.
Did you like the flowers?
I did. How did you grow the stinkweed?
Hey, how about we talk about something not serious
for 30 seconds, okay? Please.
It's funny, I know India is this huge country
but to me it's just... the train.
The farm towns.
Yeah, there's still lots to see, you know.
There's Khelar... uh, Bernasi.
My God, Punjab is just beautiful.
- The Taj Mahal. - Taj Mahal?
No, I hate the Taj Mahal. Do not go there.
How can you hate the Taj Mahal?
How can I...
Do you know Shah Jahan cut off the hands
of the 20,000 craftsmen who built the Taj Mahal
so they would never create anything beautiful ever again.
I will never set foot in there.
You're cute when you're righteously indignant.
I know.
Since we were talking about sightseeing...
Mm-hm?
Am I allowed in the temple?
We've got so many gods we can't keep track
of who's allowed. Come on, I'll show you.
There's so much music here.
People are dancing, singing.
And then the farmers, they'll take a small portion
of their seed, and they'll put it in a bowl like this
- as an offering. - Do they circle around it?
Yes, exactly. It's an ancient tradition.
It's like the growth cycle, and the bowl is like the world
offering up its...
I don't know.
I hope they don't stop doing the ceremony.
It would be a shame.
- Oh, here. - What's this?
Oh, a promotional rice seed packet.
Wow, that's what I always wanted.
Look at the back.
- Monkey seeds. - Mm-hm.
I knew Mogil was up to something.
What is that head wiggle that Indians do?
Hm?
Does it mean yes, no, maybe?
Exactly. Come on, try it.
No.
- Yeah. - No. Wow, that's horrible.
Okay, okay, let me help you.
Okay.
Move just your head, like this.
Mm-hm. Yeah, that's it.
I can't believe I thought you were some corporate stooge
out to destroy the lives of these farmers.
Corporate stooge?
Well, you're not.
Thank you.
Did you clear me of cannibalism too?
You make everything sound horrible for no good reason.
You have a good reason to make everything sound horrible?
- Linda... - What?
You're going to sing now?
Come with me. Please.
Wait. What did you mean when you said
we should stop the ceremony?
No, I said it would be a shame.
You know, ritual is metaphor.
There's no reason to stop just because the rice is sterile.
Sterile?
Rice Nine doesn't produce seed.
Rice can't be seedless. Rice is a seed.
Not anymore. You don't plant the rice that you harvest.
You eat that and then you plant Rice Nine seed.
Which we're expected to buy from Mogil
- every time we plant? - Naturally.
And grow 22 percent more rice.
With less water.
No... What? That's impossible.
Who invented this, Frankenstein?
Maybe you'd like to rephrase that.
Oh, I'm sorry. Dr. Frankenstein.
Farmers buy seed.
I know why your poster had a flat line.
You killed the circle of life.
I am going to love visiting the Taj Mahal!
Fine. Go!
Those hands are on your head!
Oh, my gods.
Oh, no!
Rice Nine is armored with a protective sheath
Yeah, armored.
Not only more protein and vitamins,
but resistant to pests as well.
On Rice Exchange Day, you'll load your old seed
onto the Mogil train and we'll supply you
with the seed of the future.
- Here you go, partner. - It's a win-win exchange.
Rice Nine.
Join our family.
William, listen.
We've got to warn people, okay?
These contracts, we'll lose our farms.
We'll be trapped buying seeds we can't afford.
I know, it sounds crazy but it's true.
What about Linda?
Linda, she would...
never take part in something like this.
That's not possible, I mean...
That's why we like her, right?
Yes.
Yes, I suppose it is.
- Chief? - Good idea, call the police.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of this.
- It's nothing personal. - Hope you got a big, fat bribe.
Hmm, decent. Not life-changing.
- Not life-changing! - Steady, steady, steady.
You'll be out of here in two days' time.
So, why don't you think of this
- as a vacation. - What?!
Sir.
Monkey seeds?
I've always wondered where monkeys came from.
And now, I have to go and solve a crime
you will be committing.
What?
My apologies from all of Bilari.
But, I'm happy to announce
that we have already captured the criminal.
A young farmer named Rajit.
Rajit?
Yes.
No, that's not possible. He's...
He's upset.
I think he likes being upset...
What is this?
No, don't touch!
This is a crime scene.
Chief.
Hey! Hey!
Mr. Gurgon, trains are coming from all over India
filled with the farmers' rice.
- It's incredible. - Perfect.
They all want Rice Nine.
Let's enjoy the ride.
Take that rice to the train.
Cheers.
Hey.
Dad, don't wait up for me.
There's something that I have to do.
William said I could speak with Rajit.
He's with the head of Mogil.
I don't want to get you in trouble.
Wow, look at you.
I'll speak first.
I just can't figure out
why you would want to gouge me out of your life.
Shh.
You seem to hate me.
No, Linda, I don't...
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I've been horrible. I've been terrible to you,
but when I'm with you, I feel...
I...
Ugh!
You lied and then I came back.
You're so sweet to me, and then you're mean to me.
You destroyed my greenhouse.
- What? Greenhouse? - Don't even.
And you stabbed my monkey seeds.
You stabbed my heart through my seeds.
No. William must have stabbed those seeds
- to make you feel that way. - Enough.
- William stab... - Enough lying.
I don't even know why I came here.
Linda.
Ask the farmers if they know
they have to buy seed every year.
Good-bye, Rajit.
I know that it's probably a stupid question to ask, but...
the farmers know that they have to buy seed from us
every year, right?
Of course. Can you imagine the surprise
if they didn't understand the implications?
Mm-hm.
Right.
How 'bout when we're finished here,
we take a little side trip.
I've always wanted to see the Taj Mahal.
Ah, that sounds great.
Mr. Gurgon, everything's ready for you.
Honored guests...
and you are each, every one of you,
an honored guest.
In an auspicious...
Ow! Ah!
Hey! Hey, goat.
Goat. Hi, goat. Goat.
Hey, goat.
Goat, get the key.
The brilliant Dr. Linda Watt.
Thank you. Um...
Thank you, Mr. Gurgon and thank you, Mogil
for sending me to this amazing country.
I miss Rajit.
This would have made him so angry.
You've taught me your songs and dances,
shared your mouth-searing food.
Your tea...
Um...
Uh...
You know, my first day here...
I had the best tea I've ever tasted.
What a weird guy.
He doesn't like the Taj Mahal.
Hmm.
And, anyway...
You all know that you have to buy the seed every year.
Right?
Okay.
Okay, so he was crazy.
We plant our own seed. Why would we buy it?
But... but you can't plant the harvested rice.
I'm serious.
Turn the mic back on, please.
- What's she saying? - Uh...
But rice is a seed.
Exactly.
We've put up our farmers' security.
This is impossible!
- Mr. Gurgon... - You sold it to them.
And you thought you weren't a salesman.
You rock, Doc.
We would not ask you to do anything
that hasn't been done by every successful farmer
in America.
Rice Nine is the way to a bright future.
- No. No, it's not. - How 'bout three cheers.
For the successful farmer.
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
And so it goes.
Together, we march forward.
I trust all is in order?
Our wish is that you fly
unchained from the past,
to soar to what heights you may
on wings of gold.
Or the precious metal of your choice.
Come with us. Please, please.
Linda!
The horse for you.
Lapel, get that choo-choo train going.
Our destinies are now entwined.
Join us.
Hey, hey, stop, stop. No further.
Go, go, go, go!
We have to stop the train.
Bring crowd control.
Master Rajit...
I have nothing to do with anything.
It's all right, folks.
They're just here to protect you and your future.
But they're not local boys.
I want to thank you all
for participating in this program.
Liar.
Eric.
I think I'm going to have to let you go.
Let go of me! Ow!
Shall we take the train?
Hello?
Lapel, is my choo-choo ready to go?
Lapel?
Nice outfit.
Lapel!
It's ready when you are, Mr. Gurgon.
Clickety-clack.
Get this engine shut down.
- Now. - Yes, sir.
Give my regards to Broadway.
Get this carcass on the road.
Mr. Patel told us the departure was cancelled.
Who the devil is Patel?
This rice is ready to roll.
This train is bound for glory.
What?
Press the green button.
And the red button?
- Press the green button. - Green, yes.
- Ah, there we go. - There we go.
I think that's Dr. Watt.
She's doing better than we are.
A lot.
- Dr. Watt, I presume. - Stop the train!
The train of progress cannot and will not be stopped.
Oh, yeah.
Huh? Hey.
In case you didn't know it,
I have five-year ironclad contracts
and they can't get out of them.
Faster.
No! No, no, no.
You might want to check with William about those contracts.
Lapel. Where are those contracts?
We're processing them now.
Eric, I fired you. Lapel!
And the name's Patel. William Patel.
Oh. You're Patel.
Come on, train of progress.
Get off the tracks!
Yeah, at that speed it can stop for me, okay?
Get down! The train is coming fast!
Poor brainwashed puppet.
I'm on your side.
I unhinged the rice cars. William destroyed the contracts.
- Come on! Come on. - Yeah, right.
Ow!
Idiot! Ugh!
- Ow! - Get off!
- No. You are strong. - Get off!
What? Oh.
Ah...
Huh...
Well... you swept me off my feet.
Now what?
Subtitles by explosiveskull
You know, he used my love song.
Dad, Rajit's been doing research on a rye zone
that repels weevils.
Cool. I hate weevils.
Our methods combine perfectly.
I'm going to miss you in the rice paddies, my son.
Really?
You make everything sound horrible for no reason.
That's because you just make...
Quiet!
How is there a cow there?
- There's a cow there. - How is there a cow there?