¶ ELECTRONIC MUSIC ¶
GEORGIA This turkey looks like the mafia got a hold of it.
JUDY It's how the Amish do it. I saw it on YouTube.
GEORGIA The Amish post on YouTube? That is crazy.
JUDY I know, times have changed [LAUGHTER]. Wait, this is,
this is hell. I, I never gave my mother enough credit for doing
this production year after year. I guess I was already drinking
by the time everything was done. It was like this magical,
mystical meal appeared [LAUGHTER]. And Bill
always did the cooking, so-
GEORGIA Yeah, that - Thanksgiving is fun for everyone but the chef.
True that.
ZOE Mom has been brining the turkey for a week. It's gonna be
more like Passover than Thanksgiving.
LILY Oh, what'd you say?
I just can't believe that our mother, a woman who's
consistently flummoxed by the microwave and who has never
made a piece of unburnt toast, is cooking for 15.
Do you remember that one time when she made that big pie with
that huge dome. And then dad tapped on it and
the whole thing collapsed. [LAUGHTER]
Oh, it was so tragic.
No, it was funny.
I like his new girlfriend.
She's cool. But it's like mega awkward when she treats me
like we're besties.
Totes, that's so off.
And she's always posting on my Facebook and liking things.
[LAUGHTER] Why don't you block her?
It would make things kind of weird.
GEORGIA I do not trust those instructional videos.
I followed one once and seriously almost blinded
myself trying to apply liquid eye liner.
JUDY Are you kidding?
GEORGIA Bad idea. JUDY That's terrible
Oh look, there's my wayward husband.
Why did you guys drive separately?
He had to drop something off on his way over here.
For work, on Thanksgiving?
Who knows where he goes or what he does.
ZOE I wonder why she's unfriended me?
LILLY Well you live far away. She doesn't even know you yet.
I guess it's better that way. Mom would be crazy jealous.
She already puts me in the middle enough as it is.
Wait, so mom can see what's on my Facebook?
Yeah, she's got like this secret account.
She's like the J. Edgar Hoover of social media.
[LAUGHTER] I'll show you.
GEORGIA Really? An hour.
RICK No, no, no, it's not been an hour. Look, I had to park
like a mile away. That's - - there's trees in this
neighborhood, everywhere.
Your obsession with sap is unnerving.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Happy Thanksgiving.
[BIRD CHIRPING NOISE]
GEORGIA What is that weird sound?
Uh, I don't know, I downloaded some new ring tones,
That's probably what it is.
It sounds like a dying sparrow.
I'll set it to silent.
Will you set it to off?
Okay, happy now?
I'm gonna go help with the buffet table, want to help me?
Sounds exciting. I'm gonna make a cocktail instead.
Hey Kimmy.
KIMMY Oh, hey Rick.
RICK Hey can you believe the, uh, Vuelta, Contador and Froome
battling it out? It should be the tour, right?
KIMMY Right.
GEORGIA Sounds like you guys are having fun. Kimmy, he's on restriction,
no cell phone for Rick. No cell phone for Rick.
KIMMY (OS) Got it. GEORGIA (OS) No cell phone
I will keep an eye on him for Rick
KIMMY (OS) So Rick, uh, are, are you going to the Giro in Italy or?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be in Italy for the Giro.
KIMMY Wow.
I'll miss the tour in France, though, but I'm gonna go to the
Vuelta in Spain for sure.
KIMMY Wow. RICK Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PORCH]
DYLAN Oops.
JESSE So I'm, I'm chatting with this guy on Bottom Feeder for like
three weeks and then he just disappears.
DYLAN Bottom Feeder's bull shit. People just want to chat and
chat and chat and chat and chat. It's a bottomless chat feeder.
JESSE Okay yes, but I just felt rejected, you know.
DYLAN It's not real rejection. It's more of a pseudo rejection.
We just had so much in common. We both loved
Miles Davis, Dry Rieslings and spontaneous swimming and then
poof he just disappears. I know that this sounds horrible. But
I, I sort of hope that something awful happened to him, or maybe
he died. Because otherwise he just never wrote back to me.
DYLAN Maybe he just met someone else
JESSE Then why wouldn't he just say that? I mean is there no
decorum left in the world? No manners?
DYLAN Was he younger?
JESSE A little, 18 years.
DYLAN Well the kids are used to that kind of interaction, it's normal
to them. It's all just virtual.
JESSE You're so much better at this than I am. Oh my god,
I'm such a bad gay.
DYLAN I've only actually gone through with it a few times.
JESSE Right. When is the last time that you actually
met someone in person?
DYLAN Some drug addict came over, started cutting coke
on my Noguchi table.
JESSE Oh my god, poor Noguchi.
DYLAN Then he put his head on my chest and said the sound
of my beating heart made him hard.
JESSE Yeah, I would take a serial killer blow job at this point.
Oh, Gold Unicorn?
JUDY Hi, mom. I left you a message on your voice mail on your cell
but it's full. I, I tried the house. It's not working.
[LAUGHTER] I don't know why it's not working.
Yes, everything is under control. I have mister turkey
right here. I brined it, yes, it's very briny. All briny.
550. I don't know, whatever. Okay. No, no, no, uh,
I, I don't need your help. I don't. this year I am Sacajawea.
I know that she wasn't at the first Thanksgiving. I was just
making a little bit of a joke. Okay, I will text her and, and
make sure she does. Okay, just, just get over here, I love you.
Okay, bye. [Doorbell rings]
JUDY Happy Thanksgiving.
SHANE Hello.
Oh, three horny mules. Is that local?
Uh, 98 points on, uh, Wine Enthusiast.
Oh. Fabulous, thank you.
This is very nice.
Oh well thank you for noticing that.
Yes it's, uh, difficult to miss.
Kind of like your work. Oh, I would have loved to have
shared your work with my readers. My former readers.
And speaking of work, is everyone okay with me doing
the blog interviews and-?
Oh yes, absolutely. You know, I saw your show at Red Art three
years ago. And I thought it would have been amazing to be a
part of one of your projects. And here you are.
Well I hope it meets your expectations.
I'm sure it will.
Thanksgiving is a, it's a pretty foreign concept in Britain.
In England we just Christmas and Boxing Day so.
Box it - - I nev - - what is Boxing Day anyway?
Oh, no one knows.
[LAUGHTER] you don't even know. And, and I, and I want to remind
you that this is the first time that I have attempted
the entire Thanksgiving feast.
Oh well this is my first time trying to eat one.
So I'm just very grateful you invited me, you know, thank you.
I don't know where I would have, uh, ended up.
Well I'm so glad it's here. Um, I'm gonna go back in
to my work station.
Okay.
'Cause it's chaos in there. And, um,
Rick is mixing drinks there at the bar.
RICK Yo. JUDY (OS) And that's Kimmy SHANE (OS) Hello.
JUDY It's Shane, so.
SHANE Hi. KIMMY Welcome, Shane.
JUDY See you in a minute. SHANE Okay
LILY (OS) So then he sends me this Snapchat of his erect ding-dong.
ZOE Classy.
LILY Like that's supposed to turn me on?
ZOE [LAUGHTER] I wish I could say that I believe it gets
different but apparently all penises have the same IQ.
College guys do that?
Yeah, I have an entire collection of
Valedictorian dicks.
No, I mean I like penises. I'm all about penises, but so
up close it's just way too natural history museum.
And no one needs to see balls close up.
Mm-hmm. This poor guy texts me pictures of everything.
I mean its- he's such an over texter. It's really annoying.
What does he over text about?
ZOE: Fire hydrants, um, public parks, urban decay.
He sent me pictures of him winking, but it just like
looks weird. Hmm, what about you? I know you're having
adventures. Do you like anyone other than Snapchat boy?
Mm, there's like this one guy.
Hmm?
Yeah, he's a club promoter, so he's like in the scene.
Mm, he sounds fast.
Yeah, he's a little fast. But I kind of like fast. I think.
DYLAN (OS) Your sister couldn't have lost her job at a worse time.
JESSE (OS) I know, when it rains it pours. And I haven't been on Linked In
lately but the job market for art critics does not seem
like it's exactly on fire.
Has she dated anyone since the divorce?
JESSE: I mean she's on Date Me but I don't know, I think she
she might just be on there for the validation. You know,
just to be liked and found attractive from her picture.
Well I know that feeling. Even if ugly guys or fatties like me
it still makes me happy. Like, you know, this guy put himself
out there for me, I'll always have options.
Yeah, no, having options is, is great.
But sometimes too many options is a problem.
Yeah.
SHANE (OS) Thanks.
RICK(OS) Cheers. KIMMY Oh, Thank you.
RICK (OS) Of course.
So, uh, what's your field of reportage?
KIMMY (OS) Oh, sports.
Really, I wouldn't have thought that.
Yeah, I guess you probably thought, uh, math meets.
or, uh, chess tournaments. Maybe some classical music.
SHANE I just think it's a little bit unusual.
KIMMY (OS) I guess.
Do you have, uh, a sport that's your specialty?
KIMMY (OS) it's LA, so basketball. It's all about basketball.
Yeah, when you guys win there are riots. It's terrifying.
KIMMY It's crazy. I guess you're a friend of Judy's in the
art world? Are you a dealer?
[LAUGHTER], No, no, no, I'm a, I'm a multi-media artist.
I organize, uh, location-based group happenings. I'm interested
in how people interact in unusual, strange and
heightened situations.
KIMMY Oh, Oh- uh, oh hey Rick, um, we haven't talked about
the tour yet.
RICK: We'll do that over turkey. You're busy.
KIMMY(OS) Okay, save me a seat? What were you saying?
RICK Hey, hey, hey, Jesse, you little bitch.
JESSE [LAUGHTER] Rick. Uh, Dylan, this is Rick. He's
married to my sister's friend Georgia and, uh, Rick this is my friend Dylan.
RICK Hey, Dylan. DYLAN Nice to meet you.
DYLAN Happy Thanksgiving.
RICK Happy turkey day, gobble, gobble, and all that.
SHANE (OS) Well for example recently my team picked out, uh, this
drunken American guy in a bar. And then we all went in and
pretended it was his birthday. And, uh, eventually he started
joining in even though it wasn't his birthday. And then we
uploaded the whole thing onto YouTube.
KIMMY So it wasn't his birthday, you just messed around with some
innocent stranger?
SHANE: Yeah, that's right [LAUGHTER]. In, in
a way. But it was a, it was a jocular kind of messing.
KIMMY Hmm.
SHANE And there was, you know, some touching moments.
There was some real pathos.
JESSE(OS) So how's work?
RICK It's pretty good I guess. It is what it is. Gets a little
mundane, a little repetitive, a lot of the same issues come up.
DYLAN Like what kind of issues, what do you do?
RICK Oh I work for Google.
DYLAN Really? That's awesome. Google's like so now.
What do you do there?
RICK Well I don't actually work for the big G, I work for
a law firm that deals with, uh, first amendment copyright issues
surrounding the Internet.
KIMMY Are you working on anything now?
SHANE Yeah, I'm actually gonna upload this Thanksgiving to my blog.
KIMMY This dinner?
SHANE Yeah, I thought it would be charming.
So you're gonna add comments and cutesy
little pictures and things like that? Yeah. Pictures,
SHANE and videos, image macros, gifts, vines, and interviews. Actually,
I- I'd love to ask you some questions if you are up for it?
KIMMY Oh no. I'm not used to being interviewed.
SHANE Uh, well I mean I can understand how you might not like the
tables turned on yourself.
KIMMY Oh no it, it's not about the tables being turned, I mean.
SHANE Well there you go, and you might enjoy being on the answer
side of the situation for once.
KIMMY Okay [LAUGHTER].
Let's give it a shot for what you call art.
SHANE Okay, great.
KIMMY Okay great.
RICK (OS) Well I mean I guess there's a case
where a guy has been posting pictures of his girlfriend, his
ex-girlfriend, nude pictures. And Google's named in the suit
because he's using Google ads on his blog.
DYLAN Why would anyone do something so creepy?
RICK That's a good question. No telling what people do when
they're pissed off.
JESSE Hashtag karma.
SHANE (OS) Kimmy's keen insight on all forms of sports are known
to the legions of fans in, uh, this great city. Uh, so Kimmy,
I want you to throw that keen eye on yourself. Uh, what does,
what does Thanksgiving mean to you?
KIMMY Uh, you know, Thanksgiving's always been one of my
favorite holidays since I was a little girl. My parents were
immigrants and, uh, this was the one American tradition
that they celebrated. My dad, uh, was very reserved and always
focused on work. But when it came to Thanksgiving he would
drop his work and he would join the family and
he was the life of the party.
KIMMY Um, and my mom just loved to cook. She would cook up a storm.
And, uh, there'd be everything, you know, turkey and stuffing
and mashed potatoes. She would separate the white meat from the
dark meat. I mean it was an art. There was corn, kimchee
[LAUGHTER]. There was always kimchee.
RICK (OS) So Dylan, what do you do?
DYLAN I'm a high-end dog washer.
JESSE He is the pup pamperer to the stars.
RICK I did not know there was a, a high end to the business.
DYLAN There's an entire ecosystem of doggie care in Los Angeles.
RICK Yeah, I mean I've seen the vans that drive around.
But that's not--?
DYLAN No, most of my clients have an extra bathroom dedicated
to canine cleaning. My dogs are the one percent.
RICK: Hmm. How long have you been doing this?
DYLAN Almost 15 years.
RICK Wow. Jesse you are, uh, you're in the dog world, yeah?
JESSE Uh, well, you know, rescue. Like I save them,
he soaks them, you know, I'm gonna go for reinforcements.
JESSE You good? DYLAN Good.
RICK No we're good.
KIMMY With the world being so overstimulated I feel like
Thanksgiving is a time to really just disconnect from all that
and, um, really reconnect with what's important.
SHANE Does your work normally make you feel connected?
You're a sports journalist.
I mean you interact with people all day.
KIMMY Well you would think that. But it, it, uh, somehow
has the opposite effect.
How so?
KIMMY I get all these online comments about my articles. Um,
from anonymous icons and names. And they're really aggressive,
just really violent. You know, and, uh, what's worse some of
them are actually totally racist and sexist. You wouldn't believe
some of the ugly things people have to say. They're just
complete strangers, they don't even know who I am.
JUDY Uh, gorgeous. Okay. Now, I will make a tent, okay.
If you say so.
JUDY Hey, KATE Hey, So...
JUDY Look at my tent.
KATE I guess you skipped that class at Barnard, huh?
JUDY I guess I did.
KATE So what's that smoky smell?
JUDY Uh, it's the oven. I haven't used it in years.
KATE Nice, so turkey cordon dust and spider webs.
Very local ingredients.
JUDY Mm-hmm.
KATE Alice Waters would be proud.
JUDY Listen, I am proud of this bird. Look at this turkey.
Is that a good-looking turkey? Huh? Handsome.
Cary Grant of turkeys.
KATE I take you more for the, uh, takeout turkey type.
JUDY Did you bring the cranberry sauce?
KATE Yes I did.
What, I can't compete with Whole Foods.
JUDY Kate. KATE What?
JUDY You said you were gonna make cranberry sauce.
KATE No, I didn't. I haven't used my kitchen since Bush won.
JUDY No, you did, you said you were gonna make it.
And I have the evidence right here. And I quote I will
wrangle up the cranberry sauce.
KATE Exactly. I wrangled up the cranberry sauce. Come on,
you know I don't cook.
JUDY I wanted it to be homemade.
I wanted it to be beautiful and perfect
KATE Nobody eats it anyway. It's just decoration.
Now give your sister a hug, come on.
JUDY Oh no. KATE Come On.
JUDY Hey look it, wish bones.
KATE Yeah. JUDY Mine's bigger.
KATE Mine has a diamond.
KIMMY Well yeah, I guess it's better that they take it out on me
than their wives.
SHANE Yeah, I've heard about that in America. Yours is
a sort of brutish nation--
KIMMY Sorry, can we hold for a second. Jesse?
KIMMY Hi. JESSE Hi.
KIMMY So nice to see you.
JESSE Nice to see you.
KIMM Oh. Uh, this is Shane. He's a friend of your sister's.
He's uh- an artist from Britain.
SHANE Hey Jesse.
JESSE Nice to meet you, how-- uh, Britain.
SHANE Yeah.
JESSE Um, I, I love, uh, I love BBC America
and also nationalized healthcare.
SHANE Yeah, don't forget Big Ben.
JESSE What's going on here, in this,
looks like sex, lies and videotapes.
KIMMY Maybe two out of three.
SHANE Yeah if you have a loose definition of videotape.
I'm actually interviewing Americans about Thanksgiving.
KIMMY Yeah, come sit with us.
JESSE Oh no, no. I'm, I'm, I'm too shy.
KIMMY What?
SHANE No, no, come on, I'll, uh, I'll loosen you up.
KATE I thought uh- stuffing was just spiced, soggy bread.
JUDY No, it is, um, what is it called? Aunt Marjoram's
fall bounty stuffing. It's from Vintage Eats dot com.
Ooh. Vintage, one of my favorite euphemisms.
Vintage. [LAUGHTER] Okay well if you don't
JUDY like that then I have the uh, vegan tofu stuffing from
Lizzy Emerald's website.
KATE Wow. Two novelty stuffings, you're such a show off
[JUDY CLICKS HER TONGUE]
Hey. ZOE Well hi Auntie K.
LILY We're just- ZOE Hey mom.
JUDY Hi girlies.
LILY We're just gonna get some sodas.
KATE So how's the ivy league, huh? Is it worth the 50k?
ZOE Oh, I'm on scholarship, you know that. [LAUGHTER]
KATE So what's a scholarship buy you this year?
ZOE I am taking two classes this semester.
LILY Oh eeh.
ZOE Comparative literature and advanced French theory.
KATE You are your mother's daughter.
JUDY And I am the proudest mother in the whole wide world.
JUDY Love you, best girls in the whole wide world.
JUDY Ooh, look it, it's my own Susan Sontag.
ZOE Oh mom.
JUDY Come on, everybody needs a hero.
ZOE Okay, I will be by the pool reading.
LILY Yeah, I'm gonna go to my room.
JUDY Okay bye.
LILY Bye.
JUDY I'll let you know when the appetizers get here.
LILY All right, thanks mama.
JUDY Oh, I did good on those girls.
KATE You know they only love you because you feed them?
CAR GPS Input not recognized.
GINA Why are you doing this to me. Turn right
and then make a U turn.
GINA I'm getting confused again.
CAR GPS Five hundred feet.
GINA What?
CAR GPS U turn now.
GINA No back.
CAR GPS Call voice mail. GINA Back.
GINA Call Judy.
CAR GPS Your input was not understood. Phone options are call, hang up,
(GPS) Entry and back. No, no no. no no no!
Call Doctor Brandhog Back, back call Judy.
KATE It's always weird when the parents ask me out.
'Cause it's like are they flattering me or are they
bribing me?
JUDY Is that even allowed?
KATE You know, I've been single so long, it doesn't even matter.
I just roll with whatever rolls by. When you're in my position
you have to have a take what you can get attitude. You'll see.
JUDY Yeah, I'm not really that into dating just yet
KATE Well you better hurry up, because the dating
pool is draining fast. So get going. And it takes a long
time to meet people, so you need to set the ground work.
JUDY You know what, okay I, I got to admit it, okay. Maybe I
have set a little ground work. I have been, uh, dabbling in the
online thing, Date Me dot com.
Date Me dot com? Yeah...
KATE Is the garage sale at seven p.m. of online dating.
JUDY No, don't tell me that. Yeah.
I think some of those guys seems nice.
KATE Yeah, if you like liars, phonies, scam artists.
I mean Pony Play? You heard about that yet?
Yes. Kate.
JUDY That is, you're being paranoid.
KATE No, I am not. I was obsessed with it for a while.
And trust me I have more stories than Scheherazade.
SHANE Kimmy was telling me that Thanksgiving is an
opportunity for her to reconnect with, with connection.
Do you feel the same way? What makes you feel disconnected?
JESSE Uh, disconnect. Um - -. Okay, um,
I- I have a very intense relationship with my email.
And ironically that makes me feel disconnected.
SHANE Okay. Tell me about your email dysfunction?
JESSE Just, um, well mostly I just, I just check my email
over and over and over again. Where even I think it's crazy
Because nothing is coming in. But then something does come in.
And even if it's like spam or an ad or whatever,
I just feel - - validated.
KATE Why can't we all just become lesbians?
And buy a winery in Napa? [LAUGHTER]
JUDY Wine?
KATE Yes. And we'll grow biodynamic grapes and, and make Grenache
and we'll convert a barn into an art studio.
JUDY Oh that sounds delish. Uh, you may be right about the whole
lesbian thing. Because I never felt more popular than when I
was up for head curator at the O'Keefe Institute.
KATE See? The only problem is all lesbians are married now.
JUDY Mm-hmm.
KATE I mean truly there's
The good ones. [LAUGHS] no such thing...
KATE There is no such thing as a good old lesbian.
I mean who's single.
JUDY Yeah.
KATE Unless she's a nun.
JESSE And I try to put these restrictions on it. Like,
um, you can only download once every four hours. Or just some
arbitrary number. But then work calls, some freelance gig and
they need it right away. So.
SHANE Mm-hmm. And, uh, you know, because your work
is connected to your email.
JESSE Yeah, yeah, I'm like sitting in front of my computer all day.
So it's like, it's like I'm tempted every single second
of the day. I don't even know what I'm looking for or waiting
for or hoping is gonna come in. because the truth is
nothing important or interesting is coming in.
JUDY I am optimistic about my opportunities.
KATE Well you should be, 'cause you always had better
luck with men than I did.
JUDY What are you talking about? You had tons of boyfriends.
KATE Yeah but they weren't like your boyfriends.
They weren't like James.
JUDY James. Holy shit [LAUGHTER], where did you pull that from?
JESSE Yeah but it makes me so upset when something
personal ends up in my spam folder. Although, sometimes I'll
just, I'll just like approve spam just so that I get
more mail. I Mean not, not spam exactly, more just like ads.
And things like that, things that, you know, other people
might not want to receive. I just can't help it, I just like
it. I really like it. I like having all this stuff in my
inbox. I am sort of pro spam.
KATE I had such a crush on him.
JUDY You did?
KATE But you won't believe what happened to him.
JUDY God, don't tell me. Did he die?
KATE No worse. He's bald. Completely bald.
JUDY Oh well that is far worse than death.
KATE Yeah, a bald eagle, a, a billiard ball, bald.
JUDY How do you know that he's bald?
KATE Google images. Yeah, I was cyberstalking him.
JUDY Okay, you're a little tiny bit sick [LAUGHTER].
God. Oh James. He had such a thick head of hair. I can't
believe it, he's bald. Oh and he was such a stallion.
KATE Now he's a bald stallion.
It sounds like a movie, The Bald Stallion.
JUDY I believe the movie was the Black Stallion.
KATE The bald black stallion. That reminds me of a
one-night stand I had in Algiers.
JUDY What?
KATE You don't know everything about me.
SHANE What would you imagine life would be like if you
stopped receiving emails?
JESSE I think that would be death. If people stopped trying to reach
me that would be like a death of sorts.
SHANE So would you say your life's value is dependent on,
on the attention of others?
JESSE Hmm, that's [LAUGHTER]
Uh. I suddenly feel like I have said too much.
Want me to talk about Thanksgiving?
God, I hate cranberry sauce, it's- it tastes like medicine.
SHANE No I, I much prefer hearing about your, uh,
junky-esque all-consuming need for, for email love.
JUDY Jesse, mom's here. What?
SHANE It makes you,
sounds like a... Shit!
JESSE Sorry go ahead.
SHANE Like a walking Radiohead album.
JESSE I'm a creep.
JUDY Why didn't you park in the driveway? [LAUGHTER]
GINA Well I thought maybe you wanted that parking space for a guest.
JUDY Well what are you not a guest?
[LAUGHTER]
JUDY Hey. GINA Hi.
JUDY Where's your car?
GINA Oh it's way down there.
JUDY What? You walked in the heels?
GINA Don't talk about the car, okay. Because I hate that car.
I am so angry with that car right now.
JUDY What happened?
GINA The navigation system. It turned me around again.
JUDY Oh god you know those things are always unreliable. Do you-
Do you think you should be driving?
GINA I drive just fine. I shouldn't be listening to that
ridiculous contraption in there.
JUDY I could have had one of the girls pick you up. What is that?
It's some homemade cranberry sauce. I know, you told me, but,
uh, you know, you don't have to use it.
JUDY No, no, no. You don't understand- [LAUGHTER
You saved the day. What?
I did? How did you know?
Oh, she got canned.
Canned. [LAUGHTER]
GINA That's my daughter all right, she's been half-assing it
since she was a toddler.
JUDY She's great
BERT Hey, is this Julie's house?
JUDY Judy. Ju-- it's, uh, I'm Judy.
JUDY This, this is my house. Judy
Right, I'm Bert, a friend of Shane's.
JUDY Oh that's right, I'm sorry. He did- he told me you were coming.
BERT Yeah. I'm here.
JUDY Yes, you are.
Yeah, so is dinner served?
JUDY Not - - not quite yet. I, I'm, I'm working on it though.
Maybe uh- 90 minutes? I don't know.
You have to be some place? Oh. okay
Well, no, I- I wouldn't have been so early.
I was at the gym. I could have finished my workout.
GINA Oh I gotta lose ten pounds in a week.
Ten pounds.
In a week, yeah.
GINA [LAUGHTER] You're gonna disappear.
JUDY Shh.
BERT Why would you say disap- I'm not gonna disappear.
Why would you say that?
GINA No, no, no. I just-
JUDY I don't think that she meant GINA: you
really gonna... I mean you, look just fine.
BERT Not gonna disappear- No, it's for a show.
I, I'm doing a, a show. I'm sure Shane told you about it?
JUDY Oh right, right, right. You are the actor.
BERT I am the actor, yes. GINA Right.
BERT I'm playing an English boxer. With a left hook, from Leeds.
BERT Yeah, yeah. That's how I met Shane. I'm studying the accent.
JUDY Mm-hmm. BERT A friend introduced us
JUDY Well sounds like you have quite an ear. That's terrific.
BERT Everybody says that, yeah.
JUDY Good for you. Uh, by the way this is, uh, Bert, this is
my mother, Gina.
BERT Oh, yo.
GINA Yeah, yo.
JUDY Okay why don't we, uh, come in.
BERT Did you make some stuffing?
JESSE Oh.
KIMMY: Oh it's your mom. JUDY: Well got to get back in the kitchen
JESSE One at seven. ALL Hi!
GINA Baby, oh.
BERT Hey man.
SHANE Hey buddy.
CHATTER IN BACKGROUND [INAUDIBLE]
JUDY Well keep making me look good, little brother.
SHANE We didn't really finish.
GINA (OS) So what's going on in here?
JUDY Oh. uh, you know what, I'll explain it all to you inside.
Oh Let's get this in the fridge.
Okay. Okay?
I'm gonna help.
BERT Do you guys have a bathroom?
JUDY Uh- yes we do have a bathroom [LAUGHS] It's right down there.
GINA(OS) Darling. KATE (OS) Hey Mom.
GINA You.
KATE Hi.
JESSE Yes, two minutes.
JUDY You might want to come and join us.
JUDY Okay. JESSE Two minutes.
GINA Whoa, you have been very busy in here.
JUDY I know it, it, it looks like a mess but there is actually
a method to my madness.
My pie crusts are gonna be silky smooth and I have two stuffings.
Count them, two, that are about to go in.
And mister turkey is in here getting all golden brown.
And oh by the way mom saved the day, she
made homemade cranberry sauce.
[GRUNTS] I'm a boxer from Leeds. [GRUNTS]
Yeah. [GRUNTS] I'll mess you up. [GRUTNS] Yeah. Oh good.
JESSE (OS) It sounds weird but it makes me feel like I'm in control or like
I'm, I'm like this guy with a purpose. Oh, you know what,
um, actually I have to- I'm, it, it's like a work thing.
SHANE We have uh- a treasure trove of material we can come back to
later if we need to.
JESSE Oh great, yeah, yeah, yeah, just pick me up any time.
Or we'll pick it up any time.
SHANE Yeah, if I, if I need to get a hold of you.
JESSE Yeah, email. Email as we've talked.
Yeah. That's great, Ok. SHANE Yeah
BERT Fuck. Fuck, what is your face doing there, buddy?
No too fat. Jesus Christ, you need a fucking nose job,
what is- ?
KATE Happy day, mom, happy day. Thanks.
JESSE Hi, I didn't know you were here. Hey
The baby boy.
I know I didn't say hi properly. Wow.
GINA Well, um, do you want me to do some dishes? You'll have a
little bit more work space.
JUDY No, I don't want you to do any dishes.
I don't want you to do anything at all.
Jesse.
Yes.
I snuck a little bite of your pared rum and it
was kind of fantastic
JESSE Of course it was. Although I do have to say it was between that
and an apple pan dowdy.
JUDY Oh I can't imagine you making anything called a pan dowdy.
Maybe a brown Betty.
JESSE Ooh, I love me a brown Betty. I actually,
somewhat unsurprisingly, know a drag queen named Brown Betty.
JUDY Of course you do.
JESSE Of course I do.
KATE What are you guys talking about?
JUDY We are talking about cakes and pies and tarts.
JESSE Pastries and for...
KATE Who are you? What have you done with my family?
[INDISTINCT]
JUDY No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, mom,
I told you I don't want you doing that. I don't want you
doing that. Go have a drink you guys.
Have fun. Spirits!
Now you're talking. Come on mom.
GINA You have the ingredients?
JUDY Of course I do. Thanksgiving is about the two Toms
ALL TOGETHER Tom Turkey and Tom Collins.
That's right. That's my kids.
Come on, let me make you one.
GINA Yeah, I almost got lost.
JESSE I'm gonna catch up with you guys in two seconds.
KATE What?
JESSE Oh my god what is the huge, giant emergency?
DYLAN I turned on Bottom Feeder, Rick's on it, shirtless.
JESSE What?
DYLAN It said the guy was eight feet away.
JESSE Well how, how, how do you know it's him?
DYLAN It looked like a torso that could belong to him.
And it said his tribe is discreet.
JESSE Was that English hipster on there? You know, I've
always had that Bowie thing.
DYLAN No, next closest guy is a thousand and 32 feet away,
78 years old and likes P and P and NSA.
JESSE Fuck, I mean did you message the torso?
DYLAN I'm thinking about it. He's hot, and smart.
JESSE No, no, because what about Georgia? I mean she
gave up so much for him, her entire career.
DYLAN Who's Georgia?
JESSE [MUMBLING] That's Georgia. That Georgia
DYLAN Oh she's really pretty. If I liked girls I'd be all over that.
JESSE You and Rick really do have a lot in common, apparently.
GEORGIA Hi boys, why don't you come in here and keep me company?
JESSE Oh my god. Just act really casual. Oh.
GINA I just use it to tune out, because I just want to be told
what to do. 'Cause I don't like thinking when I'm driving.
KATE Probably not what the GPS people had in mind.
GINA It's so depressing to get lost, Kate. It worries me.
That my mind is going.
KATE That's how I am every single day, and I'm not even
menopausal, much.
GINA It wouldn't bother me either if people didn't just come flying
at me like that. They just whizz on by like crazy people.
It can make your head spin. It makes mine spin.
KATE You should see the kids at school. I mean they are
so speeded up by the internet And they're all on Adderall
so it cracks them out even more. You know, they can't even read
a short story. We've completely given up on novels.
GEORGIA Hi.
JESSE Hey, oh those are so pretty.
GEORGIA Oh thank you, I figured I'd do something with my
unused creative talents.
JESSE Um, I'm sorry, uh, this is my friend Dylan.
GEORGIA Hi, Dylan. I saw you guys conspiring over there.
What's going on? Whose boyfriend ran off with somebody else, huh?
What's going on? Tell me.
JESSE No, no secrets.
DYLAN No gay secrets.
JESSE No.
GEORGIA Okay well that's a bummer, I wanted some gossip. Uh, Jesse?
JESSE Yeah.
GEORGIA How are you?
JESSE Fine. I mean, you know, fine. Good. Just work, email, work,
email, work, email. Cheating at paleo, email.
Same old, same old.
KATE Getting kids to read books was always a chore.
So it's easier just to have given up on it completely.
GINA Now that is sad. What's gonna happen to books?
KATE: I mean even the word book has a negative connotation to it now.
You know we're thinking of assigning graphic novels?
Comic books, to fool them.
Sort of a literary bait and switch for these dark times.
GINA Oh. If you ask me,
I think we're raising a society of nincompoops.
KATE Strong thumbed nincompoops.
GINA What do you suppose he's doing over there?
KATE Case in point.
JESSE (OS) What about you?
GEORGIA Fine too, not working. Distracted husband.
Expiring biological clock.
JESSE Yeah, I, I- I mean I thought things were going really well
for you. Judy always brags about how great you're doing...
GEORGIA You know what, I, I got caught up in the LA lifestyle.
I stopped taking gigs, I started doing Pilates, my career is
going nowhere. But I have a seriously strong core.
GINA What about you? How are you, sweetheart? Are you happy? Huh?
Yeah. I'm so happy to see you.
KATE Oh well, I'm, I'm as well as can be expected, mom.
GINA Oh I'm so happy to hear that.
KATE Yeah. But Judy, Judy's having a hard time with this divorce.
GINA That man was a millstone around her neck.
But he sure made beautiful babies.
[LAUGHTER]. [clink]
KATE I'd give anything for a millstone.
GINA Oh stop it. You've had so many opportunities. You've always
been a free spirit. Always. That's what you are.
A free spirit. It's such a nice Yeah.
way of saying free on a Friday night.
DYLAN How, how did you meet Judy?
GEORGIA She reviewed a show of mine back when I was doing fine art
a hundred years ago.
They were New York City gal pals. Yeah.
How 'Sex in The City'
Oh Samantha, Really.
guilty as charged.
[LAUGHTER]
DYLAN And then you moved to LA and settled down? Why?
GEORGIA Oh you know, the reason, it's always the same reason, a guy.
JESSE Yeah but I mean Rick is like, he's kind of a good reason.
I mean you like being married to Rick?
GEORGIA Yes. Um, marriage is a process of self-discovery.
DAVID Can you hold it steady please?
PETRA Mm-hmm. This will take just a nanosecond.
DAVID No, I, I can't fix it unless you hold it.
PETRA Mm-hmm.
DAVID Ah, wait, you know bending down like this hurts my back.
PETRA Well my readers need to know about this.
It's my responsibility.
DAVID: Are you using your ethnic avatar or your white one this time?
PETRA [LAUGHTER] Honey Girl 21 is for Hayneedle only.
I'm white everywhere else. You know that.
DAVID How could I forget that?
PETRA Can I read it to you?
DAVID Do I have a choice? Ah, you know what, maybe it's not
bending down- Maybe it's just you.
PETRA Ignoring that. "Mommy monster here. Just pulling up to T-day
dinner and the new cart turns out to be a T-urd. See the pics
below. Now on to Yelp to collapse this cart out of
business." [LAUGHTER] What do you think?
It's kind of funny, right
DAVID Oh that's great, you're like the Ralph Nader of Amazon.
Can you help me?
PETRA Ralph Nader of Amazon. Oh, I like that.
Yeah, just a second, I got to post this on Yelp now.
DAVID Jesus, honey, we're already late. Your guacamole's
gonna turn brown.
PETRA The guac can wait. This can't.
ZOE Where was I. Oh I love this part. "At the bottom of her
heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like
shipwrecked sailors she turned despairing eyes upon the
solitude of her life. Seeking a far off, some white sail in
the mists of the horizon."
¶ MYSTICAL WESTERN FILM MUSIC ¶
SHANE And its got that real feel. KATE It's the oil. The olive oil.
KATE It makes- looks like an oil.
GINA Oh. SHANE What's that?
KATE Oh well this is a triple martini. No one talks
about it, but the pilgrims were plastered.
SHANE Uh- the pilgrims and the Indians that's the thing.
Oh, sorry. I'm Shane.
KATE Oh. SHANE I'm friends with Judy.
Uh-huh, I'm Kate, Judy's sister. GINA Hello.
KATE And this is our mom, Gina.
Hello. SHANE Ah, the queen mother, nice to meet you.
SHANE Happy turkey leg as they say.
GINA Thanks. Shane, huh? Now that is a real solid name. Did you ever
see the movie? The old movie called Shane?
SHANE No.
GINA It was one of my favorites when I was a little girl.
SHANE I've heard of it, but I've not seen it.
It's something about a, uh, heroic dog, isn't it?
GINA No, it, uh, how could you not see a movie
that has your name?
SHANE: It's just not very, uh, popular in England, I don't think.
GINA Did you ever see it, honey? Oh come on, it's an old American
classic. Oh, it's wonderful. You'd both love it, I know.
You should see it.
KATE Done. First thing on the to-do list, right? Because we have
so much time. I mean who has time for anything.
It takes a lot of time to see an entire movie.
SHANE What about TV?
KATE I used to TiVo Guiding Light, but they cancelled that.
So I watch webisodes, YouTube videos, you know, like a minute,
two maybe. Who has time for anything longer? Seriously, I'm,
I'm busy online doing other stuff.
SHANE Doing what?
KATE I do a little, uh, online dating here and there.
GINA I heard on The Today Show that a lot of mature women are having
great success meeting men.
Mom. GINA On the web.
Mature is 35, I'm old.
GINA You're not old. You're just seasoned, baby.
KATE I'm the seasons, I'm many, many seasons.
SHANE No, you are a very enticing woman.
KATE Oh.
GINA You know, they say there are a lot of older men in the web as
well. Aren't they looking for girlfriends, hmm?
KATE Why are you asking him? I'm on there, day and night, all right.
There are no men. I think every man has his filter set for
under 50. And every man worth dating under 30. The same 12 men
keep popping up over and over again. And they're really old,
I mean they are really old Methuselahs, okay? And so then I
have to lie about my age. And I do not think about it as lying,
because I have to level the playing field. I mean
these men don't know who I am. They don't know what a
vibrant 50-year-old woman I am. And I'm a giver.
GINA That's right.
KATE I'm a giver. You want to date a taker, date a 20 year old, okay.
But I'm a giver.
GINA Yes you are.
KATE The male brain is compartmentalized, right.
So it can only focus on one thing at a time. And they
can never see the big picture. That's science, Shane. But men
are vain, they're vain, they're vain motherfuckers, I'm telling
you. I mean they just sit there and they think that young woman
are gonna fall all over the potbellied, silver-haired
[LAUGHTER] Yeah. daddies.
KATE I mean do you ever see a guy over 50 doing a sit-up?
Never. [LAUGHTER]
KATE Never. Do you ever see them in spinning class?
GINA Mm-mm. KATE No,never.
KATE Hey, Rick, you go to Soul Cycle lately? Pilates?
We're having a conversation, come here.
RICK I, actually I'm just kind of waiting for a call
I'm, I'm gonna make the call right now.
Okay.
KATE Alright- Yeah. Excuse me.
Well he's not over 50, but you know what I mean. That's the
point. The whole thing is just such a joke. It really is a joke
GINA (OS) Is something wrong, sweetheart?
KATE Hey, it's this cheap vodka that makes me combative.
My sister and her CVS booze.
SHANE I love it. It's very Liz Taylor circa, well, circa anytime
I suppose. [LAUGHTER]
KATE So what's your story?
SHANE In terms of what?
KATE Love.
SHANE We don't talk about love in Britain. I love the queen,
that's all you're gonna get out of me.
GINA That's nice.
KATE All right, well.
GINA Is, is the queen single?
SHANE: No, she's married to Prince Phillip.
KATE Of course she's married to a prince,
'cause she's a greedy bitch.
SHANE Yeah. We love her anyway though. And I always think a
queen should be a little bit greedy, you know.
KIMMY Some guy just tweeted asking if I'm enjoying my eel
and teriyaki turkey. Who are these people? Gun show 87.
Give me a break. Everything okay?
JUDY No, everything is not okay. My phone has chosen to abandon
me in my hour of need. It says no access to the Internet.
KIMMY Okay, did you restart it?
JUDY Yes, Kimmy, I restarted it.
KIMMY Hey, easy. Um, did you check the settings?
'Cause sometimes the settings I don't know- I don't know
are off. And you reset it? from settings
Well just okay, I just-
It, it's just supposed to work.
Okay, let me check.
JUDY Okay, okay 'cause it, it's an emergency. All the recipes for
Thanksgiving are bookmarked on there [LAUGHTER].
It's coming back on.
JUDY No, I know it comes on. It's just I can't get online.
KIMMY Okay don't worry I'll get you back online.
JUDY Okay please, please. If you don't it's gonna be the worst
Thanksgiving since the great salmonella gravy scare of 1996.
KIMMY We- go get it. I will get you back online.
Okay. Okay.
I'm going this way. I'm going that way.
JUDY Stir that broth, it's for the vegan turkey stuffing.
KIMMY Okay I got it. Go.
Okay. Thank you Kimmy. KIMMY Yes. Go, Go.
[PHONE RINGS]
KIMMY Hello? You did what? No, sorry I, I can't hear you. Hang on,
I'm going to go outside. You're breaking up.
DAVID Look like you just- no, it's not- Hi.
PETRA Hey. Hi.
So good to see you honey. Hey Judy, sorry we're late.
JUDY It's after three. [LAUGHTER]
PETRA I know, I was working.
Sorry. DAVID Yeah, not blogging.
JUDY Yeah. Hey Jennifer. JENNIFER Hey.
Look how cute, she's so big. [LAUGHTER].
PETRA I know, she is.
JUDY I have a crisis.
PETRA Oh, oh, what happened?
Well I, I can't get online on my phone. DAVID What?
Hey. and I...
JUDY ...bookmarked all the recipes and if we don't get back on,
appetizers is all we're having.
Honey that's not gonna happen. I know that I'm late,
but I'm here now to help. okay
David, set up the cheese platter.
Oh, I'm not mad at a cheese platter.
Oh and take her somewhere and park her.
Park her?
PETRA I, You, you know what I mean. God, I mean I'm just Jewish men are so sensitive.
JUDY Oh you stop it, it's not that he's Jewish.
PETRA He's stupid.
See you at dinner.
Come on, sweetie. Oh, okay. Hello.
Come on, baby, I might need you to pick up the front.
PETRA What are we looking at first?
JUDY Tofu stuffing from Lizzie Emerald's website.
PETRA Ooh, you like Lizzie Emerald?
Well she's supposed to be a total bitch.
JUDY How do you know something like that?
PETRA Who's a bitch dot com.
JUDY There is a website called who's a bitch dot com?
PETRA How do you not know that?
JUDY I don't know- 'cause I'm not-
PETRA Well I'm-
JUDY Shi- my broth. Ooh, oh
PETRA Oh no. Do you need that?
JUDY Yes I need it, it's for the stuffing. Oh shit. Shit!
PETRA Honey, I told you, you-
JUDY Oh!
PETRA Oh see I- you should have done potluck. I'm just.
Potluck? No. Yes.
JUDY I wanted a homemade, beautiful Vintage Thanksgiving. You
know what I mean, like. Making things by hand. Nobody,
nobody makes things anymore. It's all attach and send.
And download. Oh
Wow, is that supposed to be happening?
Wow. 550 seems really high. No, no, no, no no. Please.
JUDY Well there's no temperature consensus online and-
PETRA Oh.
JUDY And I surveyed like a dozen recipes. Shit.
Ah. Oh...
Oh no. Oh dear.
PETRA Oh no, no, no, no. There's no use crying over burnt turkey.
Hey. It's like turkey jerky.
JUDY No fuck turkey jerky. I wanted juicy turkey.
PETRA Yeah well.
I wanted better fucking homes and gardens magazine turkey.
I wanted turkey to make Martha Stewart wet. You know, I
shouldn't have relied on this fucking thing. Well you're never
there when I need you. Why are you never there when I need you?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
LILY Come in.
JESSE Hello, my gorgeous niece.
LILY Hi. When did you get here?
JESSE You hiding out?
LILLY This is the commotion free zone.
JESSE Hurricane Thanksgiving,
it's like a goddamn category seven out there.
LILY Yeah.
JESSE You have the right idea. What are you now, like 40?
LILY Sixteen. But my ID says 18.
JESSE You little criminal. I bet the boys are going crazy over you.
Do you have a boyfriend?
LILLY There's a guy I'm seeing, but no one would approve, so.
Mmm- It's nothing.
JESSE I know the feeling. Remember when I dated that Scientologist?
LILY Oh, it's not that bad He's just older.
JESSE Okay yeah but how much older? Like do I need to
kick his ass or-?
LILLY No Uncle Jesse, I can kick his ass myself.
JESSE Fine, but if you need me to kung-fu chop one of your dates
you just text me.
Okay. Okay.
LILLY Hey, what about you? You seeing anyone special?
JESSE I can't really seem to meet anyone.
LILLY Come on.
LILY There are tons of gay guys out there [LAUGHTER]. No, I'm
serious, this is like the best time in history to be gay.
Uh-uh.
You should get on Bottom Feeder.
Wait, how do you know about Bottom Feeder?
I, I love BF.
Why do you have a gay dating app?
Duh, 'cause it lets me rate hot guys. Here, let's see.
I can't believe you know about this app.
Everyone does, it's like legendary.
Oh let me see your account. I'll help you
No. No, [BARF SOUND] 100 percent no.
Please.
No, what the hell is wrong with you? No, maybe later, but just-
Yes. So wait-
I- I don't understand. Like what, what do you even use
for a profile pic?
Oh I use the torso of Antonio Sabato Junior.
Of course. You want to see?
Yeah, seriously he's hot. Oh my gosh, what?
I have like zero bars.
JESSE Hmm.
I usually have at least two.
You broke it.
No I didn't.
You broke your phone.
¶ EERIE MUSIC ¶
BERT (whispering) Oh. Come on.
GEORGIA Hey, come over here. I thought we agreed no phones
on the holiday.
RICK Yeah, I know. But, uh, I don't know these people that well.
They're your friends. So what am I supposed to do?
GEORGIA What are you talking about? You've got Kimmy, she's your
sports buddy. You love Kimmy.
RICK Yes, yes, I, I love Kimmy, she's great and she's so much
fun to talk to about sports. And that lasts five to ten minutes.
And then what am I supposed to do?
GEORGIA [CLEARS THROAT] Rick, we made an agreement.
RICK Okay.
Okay? Okay. Okay.
I'm sorry, the phone is in my pocket.
Okay. Now. So what's up?
GEORGIA Will you please make me a mojito?
RICK That's it? That's, that's why you called me over here,
so I could be your manservant and make you drinks?
GEORGIA [LAUGHS] You know I love the way you make them.
RICK Oh boy,
Oh. Yeah, okay.
I guess I'll make a mojito.
You know what, don't trouble yourself.
You know what, why don't you make me a mojito. Yeah. I mean
I'm at your friend's house, I'm here for you. I'm being a good
boy. Why should I put on a display? I mean
it's the holidays, I should be able to be myself, yes?
Yes, and why does being yourself always mean being by yourself?
Okay that conversation.
No, stop it.
Will you just, Georgia, I will make you your drink.
Now you have to stop nagging me.
I just thought that my husband would want to spend five minutes
with me on Thanksgiving. You know what I mean?
Muddle a little mint, engage with some people. Forget it.
Georgia. Come here.
You really take that give right out of Thanksgiving.
Just so you know.
Good to know.
You okay playing your game, honey?
Yeah, daddy.
DAVID Okay.
KATE Fox playing break-up songs and he's taking bar stools...
[INAUDIBLE] cigarette smoke and name tags.
PETRA All right, are those boiled?
JUDY Did you just see me take them off the stove?
PETRA I don't know if they're done yet.
JUDY They're boiling hot.
Okay. Yeah, but I didn't peel them.
PETRA Oh.
JUDY Because I wasn't sure if you were supposed to peel them first.
PETRA Oh no, no, no, no.
Peeling sounds like so much work. Or peel them-
And besides, no, but the... And now they're hot so I don't
skin has like amino acid and fiber know if I can get
Gets you nice and regular Thanksgiving is not about amino
acids and fiber and keeping regular.
It should be about keeping regular. It's not.
It's about creamy, white perfection
Excuse me, creamy white perfection?
What if I want chunky black?
That's yummy. Well when you do
Thanksgiving you can do chunky black.
No, see I'm not gonna do Thanksgiving for this
very reason. I mean look-
Holy shit.
I totally forgot. What? A cookbook.
I have one Oh.
actual book with pages and here it is right- oh, holy shit.
What? Classic French cooking.
Oh honey the word Thanksgiving's
not even in the French vocabulary.
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay. PETRA: Well-
We're gonna change it up. we are gonna have a thanksgiving
with a, with a European flair.
PETRA Okay but there is no mashed potatoes in-
What's the word for- French cooking they gratine them or-
or gratan them potato. Well then, we will gratine
them. Whatever. I mean- Okay. They're gone.
JUDY Come on! viva la France.
PETRA No you're right, you're absolutely right.
JUDY How do you say potato in French?
PETRA Potato? Pomme, pomme.
JUDY I think it's a pomme frites. Yeah, we are gonna
have a Parisian Thanksgiving.
KATE He was so wound up.
SHANE Yeah, it's just Bert's way of coping with life
as a rarely employed Los Angeles actor.
KATE Oh great.
GINA If you ask me that's a very sad way to live.
He's always on a leash, paranoid he's gonna miss something.
SHANE Mm, there are worse ways to make a living.
KATE Yeah, try public school teaching when the Republicans
are in charge.
GINA Hey.
KATE Except for the great communicator.
GINA Right. I was a substitute school teacher. Thirty years.
I went home for the day, my work was over.
SHANE The constancy of the iPhone age must be, uh, very different
from your generation, hmm?
GINA Oh my generation. Are you implying my generation
is so far from yours?
SHANE I didn't mean it in a negative way.
KATE You never say generation to a woman.
GINA I was just trying to get your goat.
KATE Mom's still quick as a wit. Better mind the gap.
GINA About most things. Not everything.
SHANE Uh I think the mind blossoms with age. You know, uh,
the insight from a lifetime of experience must be invaluable?
GINA Yes. Although some 70 year olds are just as
clueless as 20 years olds.
So uh, so how is your online love life.
Excuse Me? KATE Oh.
KATE If this trumps mine I'm switching to a quadruple
martini. How's your love life, mom?
GINA I, uh, I really haven't signed up yet.
SHANE Why not?
GINA 'Cause I don't like the Internet [LAUGHTER].
I don't trust it. It's better for younger people I think.
SHANE How so? Do you mind if I record this?
GINA Record? Why?
SHANE Well it's, uh, it's for a little project. You can approve it
before I post it, I promise.
KATE Oh, better get that in writing mom.
GINA Does Judy know about this?
SHANE Uh, she's totally on board.
GINA Okay.
SHANE Okay?
SHANE So? How is the Internet from your perspective?
GINA Well I do try to keep up with everything. I, I want to be
savvy about the Internet, about all this new technology coming
around. But it is so much and it, it's, it's too fast.
It comes flying at you, it makes my head spin [LAUGHTER].
I, I am afraid I am one click away from somebody
having all of my information. I was watching 20/20.
You, you ever see that?
Mm-hmm. "20/20".
GINA And they said that if anybody ever gets your
information, you, your life is never the same. They ruin
your credit. And even the credit guys, they cannot fix it.
So- I'm not for that.
Besides it's very isolating. You know, to sit there for hours all
by yourself. Trying to figure things out. I like people. I,
I like to talk. I, I like to go to the store. This probably
doesn't make much sense to you, being younger- how old are you?
SHANE Thirty.
KATE Oh lord. GINA God.
KATE I was probably at a Bangles concert when you were born.
GINA You grew up with computers, didn't you?
SHANE I have.
GINA Well how would you like it if you spent your whole life
and all of a sudden a computer comes along and it's in charge
of everything.
SHANE But do you feel things have got better as a whole?
GINA One hundred percent worse.
ZOE (OS) "She listened to every sound, sprang up with a start,
wondered that it did not come. And then at sunset,
always more saddened, she longed for the morrow.
KIMMY Me love you long time.
[INAUDIBLE PHONE CONVERSATION NOISES]
This is supposed to be sports.
[INAUDIBLE PHONE CONVERSATION NOISES]
No, I, I understand I'm not supposed to take-
Okay. Hello? Hello? Fuck.
DYLAN Hey man.
RICK Hey.
DYLAN You know where the John is? I got to drain the lizard.
RICK (OS) Yeah I think the, uh, I think the main bathroom is
on the other end of the house. This everything here seems to be
connected to a bedroom. So.
DYLAN Yeah, thanks. Haven't I seen you before?
RICK No- I don't think so.
DYLAN Maybe it wasn't in person or your, your whole person.
RICK I'm sorry what's that?
DYLAN Maybe we met in the cyberspace?
RICK I don't think so, I- are you in
one of my fantasy football leagues?
DYLAN No [LAUGHS] I'm pretty sure
it was a different district of the cyber hood.
RICK Well I'm pretty sure that I don't know what you're
talking about then, dude.
DYLAN Dude. Most smart married men turn off their Bottom Feeder
before going to a Thanksgiving dinner.
Eight feet away is so dumb.
RICK Like I said I'm not sure I know what
you're talking about. Tell- I'm telling you,
I don't care. Do not care. Not going to say anything.
RICK Fucking phone, man. I turn the goddamn app off it comes back
on. I turn it off, it comes on again. Fucking headache.
DYLAN I've always wanted to be someone's mistress.
KIMMY (OS) ....says maybe it's time for a little iPhone espionage.
GEORGIA Yeah, I already did that.
KIMMY Ah.
DAVID Hey. I believe you ordered one ice cold mojito.
GEORGIA That is so sweet. Thank you.
DAVID Oh, how's it going out here?
KIMMY Meltdown at work. And the cell phones are dead.
The rapture has begun.
DAVID No, don't worry, I'm sure they will get the phones working again.
GEORGIA Mm, for the sake of my marriage I kind of hope they don't.
DAVID What's that mean?
KIMMY Rick is a phone junky. He's on his phone all day and all night.
DAVID You know, I have my own strange addict. Yeah, it's my wife. She,
uh, she's like a human Pinterest board.
GEORGIA What does that mean?
DAVID Uh, Petra, she just reviews everything under the sun and
over the sun. I mean she, she'll review a gas station if she
doesn't like the gas pump or, or write four-page blog entries on
what her favorite varieties of flavored lip gloss are.
You know, and she gets so fired up when people like her reviews
or comment on her analysis or, or re-tweet her tweets.
It's like she's having a fucking orgasm.
GEORGIA Oh.
DAVID You know, she's posting or vining or tumbler-ing or
insta-ing or whatever. I don't know.
GEORGIA Maybe we should start a support group.
Step one.
DAVID Step one, Rick should throw his phone in the middle of the ocean
if it would make you happy.
BERT Work. You will work. You will listen to me, I am your
master, you will work, work. Be a good phone. Be good.
Okay stay very still, be good, that's it. That's it, be good.
ZOE (OS) Hey. Hey.
BERT Hey.
ZOE I think I recognize you.
Aren't you that Yeah. guy from, um?
Yep. Yep, I am that guy, yeah.
I used to love that show when I was a kid.
BERT Oh this is not working. I have to send a selfie
to my agent right now. I have to look aggressive.
ZOE Are you a friend of my mom's?
BERT I've been on other shows since you were a little kid,
just so you know.
ZOE I didn't mean anything by that. I-
BERT I did not disappear. I did not disappear.
ZOE Are you okay?
[BERT CRYING] ¶ ETHEREAL MUSIC ¶
BERT The phone isn't working.
ZOE Do you want to borrow my phone?
BERT No, fuck, work, would you please,
would you please work, would you please work for me?
Would you please, someone be here, please.
Please god help.
DAVID It's hard to find time to listen. Petra and I have been
together for 12 years and I, I feel like I have to squeeze in
alone time with a crowbar. The records just stack up.
GEORGIA My first boyfriend and I would lie there for hours
listening to records. Lots of James Taylor, Joni Mitchell.
DAVID Mm, tuning into the music, watching the records
go round and round for hours.
I'd love to do that again.
DAVID Petra listens to one song and she wants to review
the entire album online.
DAVID It kind of ruins the magic.
GEORGIA It's kind of like when I take Rick to a gallery show.
He shoots a photo of a picture on the wall without even
looking at it. It's like he wants to preserve a memory that
hasn't even happened yet.
Yeah, how about those people who record the entire concert
Oh! on their phone.
Are they even listening?
Agreed! So not what a concert is about.
Agreed.
Anyway, now they're using their phones as lighters.
Yes, totally, it's so lame
I'm gonna see if Judy needs rescuing.
Uh, do you want to hang out here for a bit?
Yeah, sure. I'm no use in the kitchen anyway.
I'll uh, let your spouses know you're out here.
Ah no need, I'm sure Petra's busy cooking.
GEORGIA And Rick's busy texting.
GINA (OS) Ah! ZOE (OS) Hi!
GINA My girl. SHANE Right.
ZOE I'm so happy to see you.
GINA Oh, I'm so happy to see you. Come on, sit down.
ZOE Okay. Wait, does anyone know the whack job outside? He's acting
like he's on bad hallucinogens.
SHANE That's my friend Bert, I invited him. He may well have
swallowed his spray tan again.
GINA (OS) He's on drugs too?
[LAUGHTER]
At Thanksgiving?
SHANE No, it's just that his drama teacher tries to get him to
stay in character for days at a time. Last month it was a Smurf.
It's a grim business, I'll go check he's okay.
It's nice to see you again.
ZOE Nice to see you.
What were you talking about with Mom's latest art pet?
GINA He's doing research for his new grog.
ZOE Oh Grammy it's not grog, it's blog
GINA Well good. Because when I hear the word grog
I get thirsty. I think there's really a lot to say about your
generation. And all of this technology.
ZOE You sound like such a grandma right now.
My generation, and grogs?
GINA Okay smarty pants. What do you think about all this? Huh?
ZOE You want to know a secret?
Of course.
ZOE It is the older people that take the Internet too seriously.
It is moms who get in posting fights on Facebook. I mean my
generation, we know how to shut off our phones. We know
better than anyone else the difference between real
communication and cyber communication.
Like I have no problem not responding to a text because
I know it's not the end of the world. And I expect people
that I text to feel the same way.
GINA Hmm.
ZOE I just don't think it's our generation's fault if
stupid people take their phones too seriously. They have an off
button just like we do. There's a guy and he won't stop texting
me. And he's just doing it for himself. I mean he's addicted
to the validation of me texting him back. But it has nothing to
do with me. I know that. I don't think he does, which actually
gives me all the power
GINA [LAUGHING] Yes.
I think that my generation knows what to do when it all becomes
too much. We ignore it. Well You just got to recognize it for
what it is, you know, it's a tool. It's just a tool. It's
like a scale or a blender.
KATE The day my scale texts me is the day I shoot myself.
[KITCHEN NOISES
SHANE Here we are in the nerve center
JUDY Oh of the house, the kitchen.
Where we find our hostess.
JUDY Shane out out, out, out.
Oh, what's wrong, what's wrong with this?
What's wrong with it? The-
this is not what my kitchen looks like
This is not what I look like.
Mess is part of the creative process. I once took a tour
of Damien Hirst's studio. The effluvium was very,
very similar. What do we have in here?
JUDY Ah, no peaking.
Oh. That is the turkey
Oh okay it's a lit- it's a little black.
Is it a cajun turkey?
Uh, the- it's meant to be Amish.
Let's put some suspenders on it then.
Perhaps a little hat.
And what do we have here?
Really?
[SHANE LAUGHS]
This- potatoes
Oh- okay. Um, so this will be mashed potatoes. And, um, I
boiled them and I, I wasn't sure
about the skin so I am improvising.
SHANE Oh okay well a little bit of that and the, and the
black meat, you'd have a very passable shepherd's pie.
Oh god, you're right about that. There's a bit of irony
Because I am serving Britain's national dish on
American Thanksgiving, to a Brit.
[LAUGHTER]
PETRA Who's this, what's that?
JUDY Oh, oh sorry I thought I told you. This is Shane.
And he's a, a conceptual artist.
And he's blogging about our Thanksgiving.
Blog? I wouldn't say I was a conceptual artist.
SHANE It's more, uh, reality television meets, uh, Dada.
PETRA Dada? Mama, dada, what - - [LAUGHTER] I know you were
speaking English. Maybe the beginning part.
PETRA (OS) Is he speaking English?
JUDY (OS) Oh come on, he's speaking with an accent, it's still English.
SHANE What, uh, what, what are you doing here?
PETRA Ah. Replacement stuffing.
SHANE You don't stuff it in the turkey?
PETRA Uh, well some people do. Most don't.
SHANE Uh, god, you- thi- this holiday is full of misnomers. I'm still
unclear on why you persist on using the term Indian.
JUDY Oh well that's a funny thing because Columbus, he was
headed for India. and he got Uh, whoa, Excuse me.
Excuse me. I didn't give you permission to film me.
SHANE Oh I'm sorry, I uh-
JUDY I-
PETRA I'm sure you did and maybe she did too,
but really you shouldn't have.
SHANE Oh, uh, it's all right, I'll, I'll sw- - switch it off now.
And, uh, please my, my- I apologize.
JUDY Oh, No, no, no. That's on me, I'm sorry. Petra, I told him
that it would be okay.
For this blogger to film this blogger?
Oh my god, I didn't even really think
about it like that. I no- um- I...
It's not really the same thing. I'm gonna go find my
friend Bert. So, uh.
Oh.
SHANE Good luck with it, Judy, very nice to meet you, uh-
PETRA & JUDY TOGETHER Petra.
SHANE Petra. That's right.
Okay Yeah
Right, okay.
Shane. Who is that limey poser?
[LAUGHING] I think he's kind of adorable.
PETRA He's not adorable.
He's a remnant of my past art life.
PETRA Well if that is your art life, I'm glad it's in your past.
¶ EERIE MUSIC ¶ [TAPPING ON PHONE]
[PHONE DINGING]
RICK No, we have to stop, we have to stop. We can't do this.
Why? That was pretty good.
We just, we, I want to, and we're going to. I just-
It's Thanksgiving, my wife is right down the hall.
Okay well maybe we can message each other on Bottom Feeder?
RICK That's a very good idea. I'll send you a unicorn right now.
If I can get the goddamn thing to work.
This phone, uh, no- It won't load.
DYLAN All this talk of unicorns and loads is making me hungry
RICK Uh- This thing is not working.
GINA Okay.
KATE I don't want any, mom.
GINA There you go. Are you sure you should be drinking all that-
On an empty stomach?
KATE It's better this way.
GINA I don't like watching you get drunk like this honey.
KATE Then don't.
GINA You know, it was never like this when Adam was around
KATE Twelve years, what a waste.
GINA How is he? Do you know?
KATE Well he seems really happy on Facebook.
Oh my gosh he just seems so happy with
his wife and his daughter
GINA I'm sorry.
KATE But thanks for asking.
GINA I'm, uh- I know how hard that must be for you.
It's not exactly like I had a that must be for you.
great role model for marital bliss.
GINA I don't want to get into that, Kate.
KATE (OS) I know you don't.
You just left me to clean up all your messes.
GINA (OS) That is quite enough. Thank you. I'm gonna go out and
and see Zoe. See if she's learned anything.
Wherever she's learning it.
KATE She's such a little showoff, that Zoe. But she will learn.
Boys don't make passes at girls who make passes.
PETRA Oh god. Mm.
JUDY What? What's wrong now?
PETRA Mm, it's, mm-mm. I mean you really can taste that this is
straight out of a box.
JUDY ...well did you follow the instructions?
You mean add water to contents of box and stir?
Yeah, I did that.
JUDY (OS) Okay you know what, that is not helping.
PETRA(OS) Oh- Jesus! A little snarky,
to tell you the truth. I thought that out of the box foods were
just supposed to work.
PETRA Honey, nothing ever just works. That's
why you're supposed to research and read reviews before you buy.
JUDY Okay, well who has time to do that?
PETRA With the Internet it takes no time. You know, most people
don't remember this, but not so long ago there was very little
we could do when something didn't work. And now, you know,
if there's something that's not working or there's a
manufacturer's problem I now have a place where I can go to
complain. Like my voice is actually being heard. I feel
like my entire life I've been collecting information and, and,
and observations and, and thoughts and, you know, I've - -
god, I've just wanted to let it all out. You know? I feel like
my whole life's experience has led to something. And people
have learned that I know something, and they care that
I know something. I mean, you know, every time somebody likes
one of my reviews, I feel like I've made an impact in the
world. That I've mattered. That I've helped someone. I don't
know. I know it sounds silly. But some people do community
service, some people do art, and some people post.
¶ SLOW TINKLING PIANO MUSIC ¶
GEORGIA Someone like Cartier-Bresson, the reason his images are so
wonderful is because you could feel him being engaged in the
life he was photographing. He, he said something once like
photography is nothing, it's life that I'm interested in.
And I just feel like it's the opposite of that now.
I mean people just snap and post without even looking at
what they're shooting half the time.
SHANE Hello guys, uh, so, uh, tempers are flaring a little bit.
So if you could get any footage, uh, near the windows, that would
be great. Just sort of make sure you stay out of sight. And, uh,
yeah things are going well and I'll speak to you later. Okay.
RICK Just- put my picture up there so I, I can hear it from other guys
that I'm attractive. That they can let me know what they feel.
My wife, she, sh- she doesn't say it, she doesn't-
She's not turned on by me maybe, I don't know, maybe she is.
I just don't, I don't feel it. I, uh- does that make any
sense? I don't know, I- I- don't hook up with guys there.
I don't, I have, but I- [STUTTERING]
I don't. That's not me. I mean I'm, I'm s - - I'm straight.
Okay, I'm gonna, I want to give you my number. But you're
gonna have to be discreet. Please.
DYLAN You know the problem with apps like Bottom Feeder is that they
just, they just impede the natural progress of the
inevitable. You sinner boys need more time.
JESSIE (OS) Rap, sat - - Saturday,
LILLY(OS): Ah. JESSIE (OS): eight points for that word.
LILLY (OS): Ah! JESSE (OS): Because I am smart
JESSE (OS): and you are not.
JESSE (OS): Because I am amazing at Boggle.
LILY Okay yeah, yeah, you're bomb at Boggle.
JESSE Yes, I am. Thank you.
KATE Wow, I forgot the sound of joy.
Uncle Jesse's just showing off.
Yeah, we figured with the cell phones out we would go retro
with a board game.
KATE Ooh, how subversive. Before you know it
we'll be talking to each other.
LILY How are things in the kitchen of mayhem?
KATE Well, you know, that Petra is in there quote helping her.
JESSE Okay well Petra's a ball buster. She'll make sure that
poor dead turkey flies.
LILLY Well hey, do you want to play another round with us?
KATE Oh wow, yeah. God, I loved board games. Then I did this Monopoly
speed dating thing. Oh, don't ever do it.
LILLY Fun-. We're just counting up the scores from the last round.
LILLY Yeah, I know.
KATE Wow, aw, I forgot. All these little pieces, it's so-
and the sand timer.
LILLY Well mom's had this game for forever. I guess we kind of
grew out of it. We used to play all the time.
JESSE With your dad?
LILLY Yeah. He loves board games.
KATE Games in general.
JESSE Kate, enough.
LILLY (OS) Hmm, uh, what kind of games did you play when
you guys were little?
JESSE Oh well, hmm, my big sisters used to like to dress me up.
LILLY Really?
KATE Yeah, we put pink bows in his hair.
JESSE Pink bows.
KATE 'Cause he was always gay.
JESSE Always. And then Mom would play those little, these like little
folk songs and we would dance. 'Cause she had this, um,
what was the, it was like a little guitar?
KATE(OS) Ukulele. JESSE The ukulele.
JESSE (OS) right. And, and she knew maybe three chords. But she could play
a thousand songs with these three chords. Like, uh -
KATE (OS) Camp town races. Doo-da, doo-da.
JESSE Doo-da.
KATE And, um, the Clementine, my darling Clementine.
JESSE Oh.
Are those like hippy songs?
No, they are old, fun- LILLY (OS) Oww!
-campfire songs.
LILLY Wait, what's a campfire? I'm kidding, I'm sorry.
JESSE Kate.
KATE Oh yeah, shaky, shaky, shaky...
BERT (OS- OUTSIDE) You can do it. You can do it, come on. Oh, come
on you little fuckhead. Work. Work, please work.
BERT'S SUPER EGO (OS) Bert, [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
BERT: Just fuck, what the? Who, who are you? How do you
know my real name?
BERT'S SUPER EGO You are having another of your episodes. A moment of
psychosis brought on by traumatic phone withdrawal.
BERT What?
BERT'S SUPER EGO This is your superego speaking. The part of your own mind
that is self-critical.
BERT Oh. I always knew I had an ego. I assumed it was super.
BERT'S SUPER EGO You must begin an important change.
[ECHOING] Change, change, change, change.
SUPER EGO One that begins with a search.
BERT Okay wait- what, what, what search?
BERT'S SUPER EGO For tranquility. For silence. And most of all for meaning.
BERT Meaning what?
GINA (OS) Well it's great looking at you out here.
ZOE Hey, Granny.
GINA I'm not disturbing you am I?
ZOE No, no, not at all. Please sit down.
GINA Okay.
ZOE How's auntie Kate?
GINA She's drunk again.
ZOE That must be hard for you to watch.
GINA Mm. I suppose I should be used to it after all these years. But
although the last time I really thought it was the last time.
SHANE Hey guys, I'm trying to find my friend Bert.
You haven't seen him, have you?
DYLAN He probably took one look at that torched turkey
and he headed straight for Denny's.
Torched Turkey sounds like an indie band.
RICK Speaking of missing persons I'm gonna go look for my wife.
DYLAN Yeah, you do that, Rick.
RICK See you, Dylan.
DYLAN How'd your interview with, uh, Jesse go?
SHANE Yeah, no, he's, he's, uh, he's an interesting guy.
He kind of he wants to live in a world of email. You know,
like, uh, Tron but more banal.
DYLAN Want another interview per chance?
SHANE Yeah, I need to locate my friend Bert.
There are rumors that he's, uh, he's acting like himself.
DYLAN Well we can do it fast. And, uh, I might be too
fat and stuffed after dinner to have my picture taken, so.
SHANE Okay. Sure, yeah, if, if you don't mind, uh,
doing a, a fast one.
DYLAN Famous for fast ones.
It's an American thing.
SHANE: Okay. Like, uh, fast food?
ZOE I wish that something or someone would come along and she could
find some happiness.
GINA Mm-hmm. Sometimes I worry that it's all my fault.
ZOE No, no, Granny. Of course it's not. It's like me worrying about
Mom's divorce. There's only so much you can do.
GINA You have taken such good care of her.
ZOE I have had to learn to set boundaries.
GINA Believe me it's better that way. But when it's your child,
it's so hard. Look at all of mine. They're all unhappy.
ZOE Well unhappiness is just part of the human condition.
It's like what I'm reading about in French class. So much of life
is about waiting for something to happen. And the sadness
when it doesn't happen.
DAVID Petra and I tried to have a rule where we turned off our
phone one day a week. Technology free day. Ironically it was
supposed to help us connect.
GEORGIA How did that go?
DAVID I kept catching her little cheats as she'd call them.
But, um, they weren't little cheats to me.
SHANE When I started I, I wanted people to talk about
their past and, and how they give thanks for their so-called
blessings. But all anyone seems to want to talk about is
technology. So what comes to mind when, when turkey and
technology and, and family merge?
DYLAN Um, okay wow, that's intense. Um, I- I was a latch key kid.
Um, I was, you know, I'd come home every day and just be alone
for four or five hours. And so I'd just rely on myself.
Find ways to keep myself entertained. To not, uh, feel
lonely. I guess the phone reminds me of that.
SHANE Do you call the phone mommy or daddy?
DYLAN Well I guess it, it's a little bit of both. I have these,
I have these strange ideas of the future sometimes.
Um, like someday when we're born we'll be handed a phone and it
becomes our, our nanny,
our teacher, our friend and companion.
SHANE Well I suppose little children are everywhere with
their phones now.
DYLAN Totally.
SHANE Do you think that's a bad development? To have people
brought up by phone nannies, as you suggest?
DYLAN I don't. There's some piss poor parenting out there.
But a phone, a phone can watch over you, make sure you
don't get lost. It can make sure you get fed on time.
It can teach you new things.
SHANE But doesn't that take away a, a human element? I mean
studies have shown there are, that a bottle isn't the same as
the nipple, for example.
DYLAN If a phone can teach you how to play a chord, what's the need
for a music teacher? If, if a phone can inspire me
to workout, what's the need for a coach?
SHANE Yeah surely there's, there's something missing? I mean- All
these jobs, they're not just mechanical.
Or, well maybe they are
¶ EERIE TINKLING MUSIC ¶
PETRA Don't worry about David and Jennifer, they, they'll
just be fine. In fact I should probably look on them.
Oh hey Kimmy.
KIMMY Hi.
PETRA So, uh, have you seen David? Wh- why, why do you suddenly
look like that? What? Where is he?
KIMMY He's chatting with Georgia.
PETRA With Georgia and Rick?
KIMMY Just Georgia. Don't shoot the messenger.
PETRA Why do I get the feeling that I should suddenly look for
my husband? So what exactly are they talking about?
KIMMY Living life online. Apparently Rick isn't- paying enough
attention to Georgia.
PETRA Oh that's classic. And I'm sure David was complaining about
me in the same way. You know, I know how and what that man
thinks at all times.
JUDY Well you do pay a lot of attention to your online life.
PETRA No I don't.
JUDY Petra.
PETRA What? No, uh, excuse me. I just believe that my online
persona is more influential and more creative and more, you
know, maybe more vibrant than my actual persona.
JUDY But it's not real.
PETRA Well I beg to differ. I think there's very little
difference between real life and online life. It's all life.
We're living it, right now.
JUDY Yeah, no actually what you're talking about is actually more
typing than it is living.
PETRA Same diff. Wow. Whatever, look, um, I think that this
situation here is beyond salvation. So I'm gonna gather
up my little team and head for a reservation.
LILLY (OS) Okay, Gutty is not a word.
JESSE (OS) It is, I'm telling you. It means to have a large gut.
LILLY No way.
KATE I don't buy it.
KATE No. JESSE Listen.
JESSE Listen, I call people, myself mostly, gutty, all the time.
LILLY You're insane.
JESSE: I'm not. I'm not, I'm telling you, I'm not.
LILLY All right. Shit. I'm still not getting any bars.
This is getting really freaky, how are we gonna figure it out?
KATE Have you heard of something called a dictionary?
LILLY I mean yeah, I've, I've got that app.
KATE Well the app was based on a real thing. And I'm sure there's one
in the house.
LILLY I've never seen one. Mom just Kindles everything.
JESSE Are, are you seriously telling me that there's not a dictionary
in this entire house?
LILLY No, I mean don't get on my case about it. I'm only 16.
KATE I don't believe this. Little miss art critic doesn't
have a dictionary in this house?
That's really, really sad.
LILLY Why is it sad?
JESSE I, I don't know, I just feel like every house ought
to have a dictionary, even if nobody uses it.
LILLY Why?
KATE Because it's a part of the infrastructure of a home.
You have the roof, you have the front door, you have cable, and
you have a dictionary.
JUDY Maybe I should start a blog. Judy's failed life dot com.
And this will be the inaugural entry.
KIMMY Your life is not a failure, okay. You've got really
nice kids. You've got a cozy house. Your career is about to
break through again. I mean you've got a bright mind and a
really warm heart. You've got it all as far as I'm concerned.
JUDY Well then how come I'm not happy?
KIMMY Well I'm gonna sound like an ancient Chinese proverb, but
the best we can do is be content. You know, happiness
only comes in brief, brilliant flashes.
It's been a long fucking time since I've had one of those.
KIMMY They seem to be happening less and less for everyone I know.
JUDY Will you help me?
I mean I've got all those people to feed and I don't know, we can
find takeout or something.
KIMMY I mean how, how do we even know what's open?
I can't call or, or search.
JUDY Well how did we search in the old days?
KIMMY I don't remember.
JUDY I remember. We used to go to Korea Town and we
would go and we would find a restaurant that we had never
been to before. And we would just walk in, the sign wouldn't
even be in English. And we would ask for the most popular thing.
on the menu and it be- became sort of a tradition, you know.
It was like a family bonding ritual.
KIMMY And you don't do it anymore?
JUDY Never. Not since the divorce.
I mean we tried to do it a couple times,
the girls and I, and Zoe would find a bad review online...
But then we'd, you know, we wouldn't go. If it's
one thing the Internet is good for, it's convincing you
not to do something.
KIMMY I used to go to all those Korean places when I was growing up.
It feels like a really long time since I've been down there.
In Korea, we have a Thanksgiving called Chuseok.
You visit the tomb of your ancestors, offer
them food and drinks.
DAVID(OS) Doesn't it seem, I don't know...
KIMMY Nobody really seems to do it anymore.
DAVID (OS) Really quiet?
GEORGIA Mm-hmm.
KIMMY(OS) It's like all the ancient traditions are being lost.
DAVID How long do you think we've been out here?
GEORGIA I don't know.
My phone's black.
DAVID Is your battery dead?
It won't start.
DAVID Here, use my phone.
Mine's dark also.
GEORGIA Maybe it's an omen.
DAVID An omen.
GEORGIA Mm-hmm. You want to go for a walk?
DAVID Yes. Yes, I do.
PETRA David? Huh, well. Hello? David?
KIMMY It feels so strange not to have a specific destination.
JUDY We may not have a destination, but we have a mission.
KIMMY Yes.
JUDY We will not go hungry on Thanksgiving
[LAUGHTER]
JUDY Here we go.
LILLY: There's like this weird nostalgia for inconvenience.
I mean listen, were paper letters and paper newspapers
so much better? Or like having to wake up at six
a.m. to go wait in line to buy a concert ticket? Oh it's so
great. Come on. Life is so much better now.
You guys really had it hard.
JESSE Look, I'm not saying that I don't like those conveniences. I just-
KATE No, it's true, something is lost.
JESSE Yeah.
LILLY No, but so much is gained.
KATE No, but I'm not sure it's worth it.
JESSE I mean I feel it too. Like something has been lost.
LILLY Uh- Your silly. I- What is lost? What is it?
KATE I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I mean I- I'm just curious. I'm not trying to be difficult.
JESSE Okay, maybe it's like- it's like the pleasure of
something was directly related to the inconvenience.
KATE There were little victories that came from trying
to figure something out and feeling needed. Like
the dictionary needed us. Maps, newspapers, needed us.
Stores needed us. You know, I mean you could only find the
word when you participated with the dictionary.
It was your knowledge of the alphabet and the time
and the care that you took to look through it. And,
you know, dealing with all these pages that were so thin and you
go too far this way. And then this way. And then where is the
- - and then there it is. There it is. You know. I mean it took
something. It meant something. It meant something to find a
word and look it up. And now it's just click. Just a click
and it's all the same clicking with the same amount of
non-effort. A click to make a reservation, click to pay your
bills, click to buy something. I mean we've totally convenienced
our self out of being needed.
JESSE And the worst part is, is we have taken the most sacred thing
in the world, and that's finding love, finding a relationship
and we have reduced it into a one-click game.
This device is, it's trapped us inside. I never go
out anymore. I miss going out. I miss the random shit that would
happen when I would go out.
LILLY I don't get it, why don't you just go out?
KATE Oh my god, look.
JESSE What?
JUDY Right here.
JESSE Gout.
KATE No, go out. It's a sign.
LILLY Hello, I just said that. Go out.
KATE I know and there it is. Go out. We need to go out.
JESSE This, this is my new mantra. Go out.
KATE We need to go out.
JESSE Let's go out. We're going out.
KATE Yeah, let's go out. Come on, you coming?
LILLY No, you guys are weird.
JESSE We're going out. KATE I am so excited.
JESSE We're gonna go out.
KATE We don't know what we're gonna do, we're just gonna see.
LILLY Yeah.
JESSE We're going out. LILLY We're just gonna go out.
LILLY Okay you're going out of your minds maybe.
KATE See what happens, life. Life happens out.
JESSE What are we gonna do?
KATE We're gonna buy,- buy a CD
JESSE We're gonna buy a 20 cent CD for twenty - twenty two dollars.
KATE We're gonna wait in line for something.
JESSE We could get a dictionary.
KATE We could get a dictionary- Just go.
BERT'S SUPER EGO You are not living to your full potential.
BERT I'm not.
SUPER EGO You spend too much time taking selfies and
looking at yourself.
BERT Is that a good or a bad thing?
'Cause people are always telling me that I have a good look.
BERT'S SUPER EGO A good look is meaningless. What is important is inside yourself.
BERT When you say inside, inside myself, like,
like inside myself? What? What's in there?
BERT'S SUPER EGO Much more than your selfie would suggest. Don't you
want to find out how much more?
BERT Okay. How do I do that?
BERT'S SUPER EGO: Your true self will be found with quiet reflection.
Go forth now, dear Bertram, in quiet reflection.
JESSE It's sort of beautiful out.
KATE Yeah, it's still light. Where are we going? Oh look.
JESSE What, really? KATE Yeah.
JESSE Shut up.
You are not. Look.
KATE I am so. Out with the blackberry. Come on.
We're really going out.
JESSE Don't you shame my blackberry.
KATE Now what?
JESSE I don't know, I'm naked and scared. Am I fat? Gutty.
KATE (OS) You're not gutty.
JESSE Cell phone's... [INAUDIBLE]
KATE Such a cheat. So not right. Poor Lilly.
BERT (OS) My selfie is not myself.
ASSISTANT 1 No it's, it's good, they can't see me.
BERT (OS) My selfie is not myself.
PETRA (OS) David? David? Damn it, where is he?
Oh, have you seen your wife?
RICK I'm not exactly sure where she is.
PETRA Well I heard she was flirting with David.
RICK That's great, thanks for the information. Why don't you
mind your own business?
PETRA What are you doing out here anyway, are you, are you
getting reception? Is reception back? All right well I'm, I'm
not getting anything here. Just-
RICK I'm sorry that's my phone.
PETRA I know I just - - this is a real emergency.
If I can just this one thing I mean you didn't fucking ask me.
I understand but I just You just take my- take a person's
need one second. phone alright- give me my-
Excuse me? Don't touch me Give me my fucking phone.
RICK Are you kidding me? You're stark raving mad.
Oh well fuck you. You just fucking smashed my phone.
You shouldn't grab it.
Yes Fuck me?
I shouldn't grab you? You grabbed my fucking phone.
How about that? Now your phone is in the water.
PETRA What is wrong with you?
RICK What's wrong with me?
PETRA What- that is my life's work.
RICK That's pathetic. Your phone is your life's work?
Shouldn't your husband, your daughter, your family
be your life's work?
PETRA E- Excuse me. Do not talk about my family, especially not
my daughter. Where is, where is Jennifer?
RICK Go on, go find her. PETRA Jennifer?
PETRA Jennifer? Baby? Go on. Go
RICK Mom of the year. Get the hell out of here.
PETRA Honey.
Jennifer? Ah. Oh, Oh shit. [CRYING]
PETRA Jennifer?
ZOE Oh, what happened in here?
GINA Thanksgiving got the best of her.
ZOE Where is she?
GINA I think she probably wants to be alone.
ZOE Oh, I'm not sure if this is funny or tragic. I'm sure
I could figure it out if it weren't for the hunger pangs.
LILLY Oh my God what the fuck!
GINA Lilly!
LILLY Oh I'm sorry, granny.
ZOE What are we gonna do? This is a disaster.
GINA Mm, well I have an admission to make. I knew something like this
could possibly happen, so I made a backup thanksgiving dinner.
And it's in my fridge right now at the house.
ZOE Seriously Granny?
GINA Yeah.
GINA Okay.
CAR GPS Welcome to your navigation system. My name is Ethyl.
GINA Okay ethyl.
CAR GPS How may I help you?
GINA Hit it girl.
DYLAN (OS) Yes, I know. I know that everything I use my phone for
- sex, love, uh, companionship are just stand-ins for the, for
the real thing. I, I know that, I know a phone can't love you.
can't nurture you.
SHANE Why would you want it to?
DYLAN Because it's easier than working things out with real people.
SHANE [LAUGHING] Yes. I suppose you're quite right.
DYLAN I got to go.
SHANE You suddenly in a rush?
DYLAN I don't, I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I should be with my own family on Thanksgiving.
SHANE Well, you gonna make it? This is like one of those old
Rosalind Russell movies.
DYLAN I hope so.
CAR GPS Prepare to detour in 500 feet.
GINA See what you did?
CAR GPS Detour now.
GINA What did I do?
CAR GPS Detour now.
GINA I've already been down that road, Ethyl.
CAR GPS Action not recognized. Resuming previous route.
GINA Oh, okay.
CAR GPS Continue for three miles.
GINA Here we are. CAR GPS Then turn right.
GPS Continue straight then make a U-Turn.
GINA Ah.
CAR GPS Continue for three miles. Then turn right.
Oh god now I need gas. Then you will arrive
at your destination.
See what you did? Approaching Dusky Glen road.
What? I'm going myself.
GPS I'm sorry but no satellites can be located.
GINA Turn you off.
CAR GPS Welcome to your navigation system, how may I help you?
SHANE Okay ladies, you want to come out and we'll do the
final shot. So it was a tumultuous, uh, Thanksgiving,
With some unexpectedly thought-provoking dialogue.
Um, now I don't like my art to have lessons. I like, I like
them just to be dollops of human foibles and triumphs.
So I would like to end with a question. And, uh, that is
the next time you pick up your device, I'd like you to ask
yourself what is it I'm searching for? And is
this the way to find it? Um, okay, well that's it.
I'd just like to thank all the new Twitter followers.
You know, you guys are the faceless fans that make
it worthwhile. And, uh, we'll see you again next time.
ASSISTANT 2 How'd it go?
SHANE Practically perfect in every way.
ASSISTANT 2 I can't believe that thing actually worked.
Where did you get it?
SHANE Amazon, 35 dollars. They're quite popular, actually.
At some point I can imagine everyone having a phone jammer
in their homes.
ASSISTANT 1 I doubt it.
ASSISTANT 2 Yeah, I don't see that happening either.
SHANE Well, mark my words, the future is not in the search but
the silence my friends. Now come on.
¶ DIGITAL MUSIC ¶
[Sounds of the wild.... Coyotes, birds... night.]