(claps)
(can rattling, hissing)
(dance music playing)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, live from Burbank, California,
it's time for "Chris!"
- With your host, Chris. - (cheering and applause)
(Chris chuckling)
- Twerk it! - (siren blaring)
Whoa!
Yeah! Yeah!
(vocalizing)
Oh!
(crowd chanting) Dunk your mom! Dunk your mom!
Dunk your mom! Dunk your mom!
- Mom! - (chanting continues)
- (bell ringing) - Oh!
I have the number one rated daytime television talk show.
And do you know why that is?
That's because I stay up-to-date with trends.
Was it-- Five years ago,
the ratings started to take a dip.
And you know what I did, is I fired my best friend
and co-host Jenny McCarthy.
And I legally changed my last name to an exclamation point.
I mean, the ratings went through the roof, you know?
The only problem with having your last name be punctuation
is I-I cannot get my mail.
I mean, I'm not kidding. I cannot--
It does not come.
Now, 20 years ago, I was busting my hump.
Doing stand-up comedy for groups of 50 people at a time.
But now, anyone can be seen by millions of people
thanks to the Internet.
You know, doing stuff that they'll probably regret.
You know what? And guess what...
I admit it, I've done some stuff that I am not proud of.
Is this my real hair color? Uh, I think not.
Well, maybe. You know what? You'll never know.
Uh, have I ever lied under oath? Mm, I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't even know why we're talking about it, okay?
It's Internet. It's happening.
It's now. It's a face in a camera.
It's having fun. It's immediate.
It's-- it's real. It's-- it's what it is.
Six seconds, four seconds, it doesn't even matter.
Nothing has substance. This is it.
And guess what, I'm gonna be here forever!
'Cause I love it, and I get it.
I get it, I get it, I get it. This is it.
It's now.
Okay, I think it's over, right? This is over.
- (cheering and applause) - Welcome back! Welcome back.
This year, I'm very excited to announce
our very first Web Star of the Year Award!
Yeah! Ah!
Now, the Web Star of the Year is going to win
their very own TV show,
which I will executive produce.
And with the help of you all at home,
we've narrowed down our finalists
to the best of the best.
And we're gonna be announcing live
the winner at the fifth annual WebCon Convention
in Anaheim, California!
(cheering and applause)
And so, the five finalists are...
(gasps)
Man: Well, my life is my daughter.
And my daughter just so happens to be famous on the Internet.
She was such a peach.
I thought, "People need to see this.
I'ma upload this online."
Uh, I mostly did it just to share it with her grandmother.
And, uh, sure enough, it got 300,000 hits in a day.
Over a week, it got 15 million views.
I started thinking to myself,
"Okay, well, I kinda caught lightning in a bottle here.
How do I do this again and again and again?"
Uh, so I started thinking, "Okay, what's a different emotion?"
Sadness-- well, nobody wants to see a baby sad.
Happiness-- I already did it.
Now, how 'bout fear?
And I went, "Aha."
(demonic voice vocalizing)
(demonic voice) There is no God!
- (growling) - (screaming)
- (crying) - Lucy, it's Daddy.
That's One Scared Baby.
We combined two very popular things--
cuteness and the fear of certain death.
Right?
Like, there's something very humanizing about seeing
a baby getting really, really, really freaked out.
- Lucy, I love you so much. - (Lucy cooing)
And I'm always gonna be here to protect you,
you know that, right?
I will always protect you no matter what.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what's happening?
What's happening? Oh, my God!
Please, don't take my daughter! Please, don't take my daughter!
(screaming)
This a baby who-who's looking into the camera,
and it's thinking, "Oh, my God, this is it."
All right, check this out.
I got-- I got That's One Scared Baby merch, all right?
One Scared Baby bibs. We got mugs.
We got beer koozies.
We got shirts. We got clocks.
What time is it? I don't know. It cries on the hour.
And look at this, One Scared Baby bobblehead.
That baby look like it saw a frickin' demon, huh?
When Lucy found out she was picked for the Chris! show,
she literally screamed.
I remember, I'll never forget.
She screamed her frickin' head off.
Mostly 'cause I was wearing,
um, a baby-eating minotaur costume.
But I think also because I sort of had,
like, a-- a dead baby rabbit in my hands.
And I remember, I was like, you know,
(demonic voice) Lucy,
you won the Chris! show finalist.
(normal voice) You know, her eyes just went like,
"Whoa, what's going on here? Did I really?"
(demonic voice) And I'm like, "Yes, you did.
Now I will feast on the blood of the seven sins."
- Man: Veronica Decker. - Yeah, that's me.
- Follow me. - Oh.
You look kinda familiar.
Did you see "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?
Melrose and Orange, black box theater.
- Missed that one. - Yeah. (chuckles)
Sorry, must be something else.
No, that's weird, 'cause I wasn't in "something else."
All right, um, you're gonna be reading with Craig here.
Just give him a second to get started,
- and whenever you're ready. - Just...
I've checked everywhere. I've checked the school.
I've checked the neighbors house.
I've done so much, and he's not here.
- Okay, he's gone. - Sorry, just hold on one second.
Uh, can you, uh,
can you walk across the room for us, please?
Great. Great.
Um... ahem.
Hold on, that's really good, that's great.
You can go back to one.
Try it again, um, this time with,
uh, with like less balance.
Mm-hmm.
Even less.
- That's totally it. - It's "The Wobbly Walk."
You are "The Wobbly Walk" girl, right?
That's not me.
Come on, you gotta do it for us, real quick.
No, I-- I'd rather just do the scene.
Hmm, that's too bad.
(sighs) Thanks for coming in.
That's it?
You guys don't want me to finish the scene?
No, I'm-- I'm sorry.
- This is a serious movie. - Yeah.
Yeah, and we can't have you,
you know, next to Jessica Lange--
fingers crossed--
um, just wobbly. (laughs)
Wobbling all over the goddamn place.
(sighs) That's what I hear.
- Thank you. - Blah.
(both laughing)
That's unbelievable.
She went to college. What a waste.
Veronica: Uh, I never wanted to be famous.
I just wanted to be a working actress.
But it's really hard for people to take you seriously
when 700 million people have seen you dance
like an idiot on the Internet.
It first started with my friend who uploaded the video,
- uh, in high school. - (laughing) Did you get it?
And that wasn't a big deal
because only few hundred people saw it.
But then a user by the name of
LOL Zordon uploaded a musical remix,
but with a space background
and... an extremely...
catchy song.
♪ Wobbly Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly Wobbly Walk ♪
- ♪ You can do it ♪ - ♪ Wobble Wobble Wobble ♪
- ♪ If you try ♪ - ♪ Wobble Wobble Wobble ♪♪
Somehow it became this pop culture phenomenon.
Everyone was just doing the dance, everybody.
It was voted the single worst thing of 2015
by "Time" magazine.
Politicians used it as a way to sum up...
everything that was wrong with our country.
And I somehow became the poster child
for everything that sucks.
But that's okay, because I got this trophy.
I'm doing this competition for many reasons.
Uh, mainly so I can focus on my acting full time.
And also so I could live in a place
that doesn't have power steering.
- (music playing on radio) - ♪ Are Heather, Heather, Heather ♪
♪ We're all named-- ♪♪
- (music stops) - Ah, crap.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I promise, it won't happen again.
I was at the mall looking for clothes and then you know how it goes.
When I go into a mall, it turns into a meet-and-greet.
All right, let's go inside.
I guess you could say my career started in high school.
You know, I was just hanging out with my boys on a Friday night
and a song came on the radio.
Uh, CeeLo something, and it was called "Forget You."
And as I'm listening to the song, I was like,
"Wow, this song's pretty chill,
but I could probably spruce it up a little bit."
You know, and I started throwing out some joke lyrics.
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This could be a parody."
♪ I see you driving 'round town with the cow I love ♪
- ♪ And I'm like "Moo, moo" ♪ - ♪ Moo, moo, moo ♪
♪ I guess the milk in my fridge just wasn't enough ♪
♪ And I'm like "Moo, moo and boo-hoo, too" ♪♪
And that's when little old Tomas Butterman from Ohio
became Tomas "The Parody Boss."
(chuckles) I like saying it like that.
I do music video parodies, uh, you know,
like once a month when I get inspired.
I always try to not only make fun of the artist,
but say something.
I'd say my favorite parody I've ever made
was probably my Taylor Swift
"We Are Never Getting Back Together" parody.
Let's just say I turned it on it's friggin' head.
♪ We are Heather, Heather, Heather ♪
♪ We're all named Heather ♪
♪ Her name's Heather, her name's Heather ♪
♪ My name's Heather, too ♪
♪ 'Cause we are Heather, Heather, Heather ♪
♪ We're all named Heather ♪♪
I think the reason I am number one on YouTube,
um, is probably because-- well, my amazing content--
but also, I just have a really strong connection
with my fans, you know?
Or as I like to call them, "the employees."
Thanks so much for watching the parody.
If you wanna help out this channel,
make sure to hit that "subscribe" button.
Also, the song's up on iTunes, so you better go cop that
and give this video a thumbs up.
'Cause you're my employee and that's your job.
Or else you're totes fired. See you at work.
My employees are the most loyal people in the world.
If I tell them to do something, they do it.
You know, "Hey, guys, go thumb up this video."
Million thumbs.
"Hey, guys, go buy this song on iTunes." Number one.
Comes with a lot of power, though, because if I were to be like,
"Hey, guys, go jump off a bridge." You know what you'd see?
You'd see a lot of bridges with dead bodies under them.
Or right next to them probably.
'Cause technically, if they jumped off,
they wouldn't go right under, sorry.
I get all visual 'cause I'm a director-filmmaker.
(horn honks)
And... action.
Hello, puppies. I'm Amber Day.
And you're watching the Viral Video Pound.
First video has a lot of bark...
- (dog barking) - ...but does it have any bite?
I just need one second, Jimmy. So I think it's a buyer's market--
Ah! (Bleep)!
Ouch! That looked like it hurt.
Next up is kitty cats.
- Which means... - (cat screeching)
Dina the Dog is here,
and I don't like those pussy cats.
They play "ruff, ruff."
(music playing)
(cat screeches)
Usually that kitty is very certain,
but today it looks like...
she's on the fence.
(panting)
I'm Mrs. Cloudbottom, the Dogcatcher.
Did somebody say, "ruff, ruff"?
Amber: I've always loved telling jokes,
but nobody ever thought I was funny until eighth grade
when I got back from summer camp.
And then all of a sudden, all the guys were just
laugh, laugh, laugh, and laugh.
I think I really found my comedic timing at camp.
(sighs)
The Viral Video Pound is my own comedy show.
So think like "SNL"
but with only me as the cast.
My fan base is 95% male.
Which I'm super proud of because most guys
tend to be the hardcore comedy fans.
(dog barking)
My name's Dennis Wasserman,
and I'm a film director.
When I wanted to make movies, I didn't have actors.
I didn't have friends.
I had to work with what I had.
So my cat, Mr. Blankets, became my muse.
I'd start out by filming Mr. Blankets throughout his day.
Getting cool shots of him sleeping and walking on tables,
and then I'd sync it with the sickest music I could find.
(heavy metal music playing)
But then I got sued.
Part of the agreement with the major music labels
was that, um, I'd pay for their legal fees
and in return, I wouldn't collect any ad revenue on my videos.
Man: So will you be bringing Mr. Blankets to WebCon?
Um, no, not gonna do that.
It's like when Steven Spielberg goes to a pool party,
people don't ask him, "Hey, you gonna bring Jaws to the pool party?"
(laughs) It just doesn't happen, so...
Yeah, I don't think anybody really cares about the cat.
(mimicking airplane)
It's a B-52 bomber. Come on, eat it.
- Show 'em how to do that. - (speaking foreign language)
- Dale? - Huh? Hey, hon.
(whispers) Um, I'm working, what are these people doing filming here?
My wife's not really a fan of the videos.
Um, she's very vocal about it.
Which is good, it's good to have honest criticism,
because you need that.
She's also very vocal about the fact
that she's the sole breadwinner in our household.
And she is personally responsible
for a lot of the weapon systems that keep America safe.
So in a way, she's like a real-life Tony Stark.
Which, I guess, you know, makes me Hawkeye.
He's-- he's tough, right?
Why's everybody shrugging?
(whispering) I told you about this a couple times.
I should've reminded you.
These guys are with the, uh, "Chris!" show.
And Lucy's up getting her own TV show.
- It's kind of a big deal. - Yeah, okay.
Everyone in the neighborhood's all freaking out.
That's great. Um, I've got a late meeting,
so I'm gonna go.
- Okay, yeah. - Okay, uh, you need to shave.
- Oh, right. Oh, yeah, sorry. - (phone vibrating)
Yeah, Brian, hi.
- Yeah, sorry, family shit. - All right.
There goes your mom.
That's Go-Go Mary.
Always on the go.
You'll see a high 78 in the Valley.
74 in the low-laying regions
as things heat up when we head into the Fourth of July--
- (stomach growls) - weekend.
Sorry about that, folks. Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's coming. Cut it! Cut it!
Oh, my God, I'm shitting. I'm shitting my pants!
Oh, my God, I'm shitting my pants!
I'm shitting myself! I'm shitting myself!
Oh! Oh!
Okay, first thoughts on jokes I should say.
Hey, that's a lot of number two.
Hey, buddy, you're supposed to be looking out
- for number one. - Oh, that's good.
That's really good. My fans will love that.
Uh, he should've forecast mudslides.
- (laughter) - Oh!
"Mudslides."
Most people don't know this, but comedians like myself,
have a team of writers.
And when I started my show,
I received a bunch of emails from these three kids
that were huge fans of mine.
And I met up with them and they were just so funny
and so nice.
Three little gentlemen.
- She's awesome. - Super funny, super cool.
It's really cool working with someone like that.
We try to hug her as much as we can.
Man: What do you think of your chances of winning?
Yeah, I think I have a really good chance to win.
Um, I'm the only woman doing comedy,
so I'm kind of representing them.
And so I'll for sure get
all the votes from the women.
And then I'll get all the votes from the men.
So...
that's like all the votes.
- ♪ And we can't mop ♪ - ♪ No ♪
- ♪ No we won't mop ♪ - ♪ No ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't have any buckets ♪
♪ And without water we can't clean it ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ It's our party ♪♪
I work really hard.
You know, like, I don't even sleep sometimes.
Trying to make all these parodies,
so much time, so much effort.
And for what, one video a month?
(scoffs) I mean, talk about being a slave.
But what I did find out is I could do more videos
if I just keep the cost and the quality down.
So I do daily videos, or as I call them, daily vlogs.
Basically, it's anything I wanna do that day.
You know, like sometimes I whip out my phone
when me and my squad are like rolling through a jam
trying to blow some cake.
Sometimes me and my boys
will just, like, do some dope-ass challenge.
Sometimes I get real, you know, and it gets deep A-F
when I talk about things that are really important to me.
You know, like rape.
Hey, what's up, employees?
Okay, I am so excited right now
because I'm meeting up with Hanky Pank.
Oh, there he is.
- Hanky Pank. - Hey.
We got chosen to be one of the finalists
in the "Chris!" show Web Star of the Year Award!
- Yes! - Oh! Oh! Okay.
When we see you at WebCon, we're coming.
- We're on our way tomorrow. - We leave tomorrow.
We will give you all hugs and kisses on the lips.
We'll do anything you guys want.
Please, please, please, we never ask you for anything.
- Okay, except for like merch. - And ringtones.
Obviously, but right now,
this is so much bigger than any of that.
If you guys vote, we can have our own show.
And then you can tell your friends, like, "Oh, my favorite show?
My favorite show is 'The Tomas Show.'"
Like featuring Hank.
Hank is...
Well, he's kinda like my brother, you know?
We hang out all the time. We, uh, make videos together.
If I need something from the store, like last minute, he's down to go get it.
He takes me everywhere. He's basically my Uber.
And he's my best friend.
Right now, he's trying to do his own thing.
You know, start his own channel.
And, uh, it's going pretty...
Hey, say hi to the Hanky Panks.
- Hey, Hanky Panks! - See, I told you.
Between you and me, there's no Hanky Panks.
They're just employees trying to see a glimpse of the boss in the background,
but I humor him.
'Cause, you know, he's sweet.
And I think it gives him a sense of worth.
Which is good, he needs that.
Thank you. I feel like a princess.
No problem, Your Majesty.
(laughter)
Don't you guys have school this week?
Uh...
Yeah, our parents have no idea where we are.
Parents think I'm staying with Doug.
And my parents think I'm staying with Kevin.
Kevin doesn't have any parents.
- Shut up. - What?
It's true you don't have any parents.
You don't have any parents.
Dale: You know, driving can be pretty boring.
Especially on these long road trips where you're thinking,
"Oh, God, I wish something fun would happen."
That's where my oh-my-God-that-baby's-driving prank comes in.
See, I get all dressed up as my driver's seat,
I pop Lucy in my lap, we buckle up,
and you wouldn't believe the look on people's faces
as we drive by.
And they're thinking, "Oh, my God.
Oh, my sweet-loving God, is that baby driving?"
It's something that-that they tell their friends
and their relatives.
And then one day, you got a grandpa sitting on a porch
telling his grandkids about the time
he saw a baby driving a minivan.
That's real-world viral.
Veronica, Veronica.
- Oh, my goodness. - Hi.
Hi. Oh, sweetheart.
It's so good to see you. Please, have a seat.
Don't take the chair.
No, no, I'm joking. Come on, bad joke.
- (whispers) Jesus. - Just put your tush
- in the chair, okay? - Great. Thank you.
Have you ever heard of "GoMax"?
Oh, is that the new Channing Tatum movie?
No, it's better. It's better.
It's the probiotic yogurt
for women on the go.
Who is gonna be the spokesperson in this room?
Huh?
It ain't gonna be me.
- Me? - Aha.
Wait, I just got a job?
Why not?
Oh, my God, you guys, I booked a freakin' commercial!
Oh, my gosh, I don't have to live in this thing anymore.
This freakin' car-house.
No way! Not for me, Jose!
I am going to be going places!
I'm out, I'm out.
Okay, I'm out of the competition.
Done. Boop. Done. Don't have to do that anymore.
I'm just excited because I'm gonna get to something
that has substance.
Something that matters.
And it has nothing to do with "The Wobbly Walk."
I don't...
I don't have to be known for that anymore.
(silverware clinking)
Mm- hmm. You gonna hold that?
Okay.
- (murmuring) - Little refill.
- Oh, thank you. - How's those waffles treating ya?
Um, just wanna say that these waffles...
- not good. - Oh, I'm so sorry about that.
'Cause they're the best waffles I've ever had in my life.
I goosed ya. I got ya good, right?
Man: You mind tellin' me what kind of breakfast establishment
doesn't have any cran-raspberry syrup, huh?
You got the cranberry. You got the raspberry.
- Where's the cran-ras? - These drunk truckers get pretty rowdy.
- Sorry about that. - No, I'm sorry about that.
- Will you hold my baby? - (Lucy cries)
- Uh, sure. - I'ma take care of this.
You just hold my baby.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm gonna have to ask you to lower your voice just a smidge.
Who you calling "smidge"?
I didn't realize you were the waitress. (laughing)
I'm not the waitress, I'm a man.
And I don't see any raspberry syrup.
I'ma give you one chance
to pay your bill and get the heck outta here.
(spits)
I just spit on your sandals.
First mistake.
(crowd gasps)
Those are cute little princess punches.
(gasping)
Get up.
Anyone hungry for some waffles, huh?
(screaming)
(both crying)
- You ready? - Please don't.
- Keep it going? - Please, no.
(groaning)
(body thuds)
- Oh, my God. - (crying continues)
That's One Scared Baby. It's a prank.
Means I was goosing you.
That was a goose.
This is called the prestige. Uh, feel free to clap.
Everybody, let's give a big hand to Red.
Red's part of our local community theatre,
and he's a heck of a guy, too, huh?
- Please. - Thank you, thank you.
Dale: All right, all right.
All right, Luce, let's get back on the road.
- Whoo! - What's up, ladies and gentlemen?
Hi, guys! Yes, we are riding in the Lambo!
- Lambo. - Uh, we're on our way to WebCon right now.
And honestly, I'm just really excited to see our people, you know what I mean?
Like see the people who have put us in this Lambo, basically.
Once you start getting into the hundreds of millions of views,
you start to forget, like those are people, you know what I mean?
- (engine whirring) - Do you hear that?
Wait, what is that?
God! (Bleep)!
Hank, what did I tell you?!
I told you if you wanted me to get the Lambo
so we could vlog in it, you would have to take care of it!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Be careful with-- You know what?
I'm Snapchatting this whole thing.
- Yeah, buddy. Yeah, right now! - He's Snapchatting this.
How we supposed to get to WebCon?
This is ridiculous.
You know what they're trying to tell me?
That I was supposed to put oil in the engine.
Nobody told me that, Dad!
I'm gonna sue.
You know, I went to Brown.
I work about...
60 hours a week for 84 grand a year.
And my son,
who dropped out community college first semester,
he's pulling in over six figures a month
by tickle fighting his little gay friend.
So you can say...
I'm proud of him.
Hi, eh, this is my fifth WebCon.
It's my favorite thing ever.
We save up money every year to come out here from Vermont.
We drive all the way.
It's kind of a bummer we got here a little early,
so today's business day.
And everyone knows only the loser channels
come in on business day.
It's cool.
Like, um, we get to, like, see a lot of corporate booths.
It's pretty-- it's pretty cool
they can air condition this many people.
(tires screech)
Oh, my shining stars, you're here.
Uh, hi, my name is Dave Larson.
I have, uh, asked the organizers of WebCon
if I could help out in anyway and really volunteer.
I don't like to work for money.
Um, which is how I got to...
where I am now.
Dennis Wasserman, filmmaker.
Oh, you do not have to tell me who you are.
Believe me, I'm-I'm really your biggest fan.
In fact, Dennis, if I may,
I've probably seen more of Mr. Blankets
than I do of my own kids. (laughing)
So what's it looking like? How's the turn out?
The turn out's really good. The panel is packed.
And I mean heavy with talent.
Yeah, well, if it's all right,
I prepared a brief PowerPoint presentation
on some of my directorial influences in film,
- and I can keep it under 15. - Great.
It's 3:00.
How's it go? Time to rock. Let's go.
Okay, good, so let's try a take here.
So, uh, you've got that, like, you're clutching your stomach.
You know, it's that kind of troubled but you have a constipated motion
that leads into your walk. (chuckles)
And then you-- you sing the song.
- That's it. - The song?
I-- Oh, I didn't know I was singing.
I-I don't sing.
(whispering) And I don't really direct either.
Let's try a take.
Man: Okay, everyone, pictures up. Let's roll camera.
- Okay. - Man #2: Rolling.
And action.
Ooh.
♪ There is a house in New Orleans ♪
♪ They call the rising sun ♪♪
- Cut! - That's a cut. Reset, please.
What's-- what-- what are you-- what are you--
You're singing-- There's no song.
What-- It just came to me. I didn't see as script.
Look, I wanted to license "Chocolate Rain,"
which would've been perfect.
I was gonna make it rain chocolate yogurt.
That was the concept here, but we got you.
That kid, too expensive.
So here's the deal, you're gonna do your little dance in the video,
the one everyone knows, the wobble thing,
and then you pick up the GoMax yogurt and sing the song.
Okay? Sound Good?
- I can't. - Can't what?
- It's not mine. I didn't do it. - Wait, let me follow this.
You-you don't... you don't do the song?
I mean, it was added later by a guy.
He did a techno remix.
She doesn't do... She just does the dan--
Nobody checked on this? There's a social media advisor.
- (phone chiming) - Get off your phone!
Let's get that Chocolate Rain guy back on the phone.
I don't care what his rate is.
You can go.
Veronica: So I'm here...
at the convention.
The con-- the big contest.
It's great being here.
Um, I'm so glad that they let me back in
the competition.
So I could compete for a one-in-five chance
to have my own TV show.
Man: So if you won, what would your show be about?
I-- I would just want a show
that would be important to people.
Would-- would matter.
I-I would want a show that has substance and...
just make a difference in people's lives.
I feel like that would be awesome.
And I know that they're gonna probably call me
"The Wobbly Walk girl."
And they're gonna just have it be by my name and everything,
but I'm...
I'm here to tell everybody that
they have to be okay
with the fact that I'm never doing that again.
I'm never gonna do "The Wobbly Walk" again.
- "Wobbly Walk." - (gasping) O-M-G!
- "The Wobbly Walk"! - Hey, you don't mind...
"The Wobbly Walk" girl is here!
It's her! It's you!
- You don't mind, right? - Oh, my God.
- (camera clicks) - Wait, I'm gonna take one, too. Okay.
God, I feel like I'm walking underneath a shoe.
Shh. Tomas, don't upset the commoners.
I don't give a (bleep), Hank.
Okay, this has been the worst day of my life.
Can you just support me right now?
(sighs)
Girl: Oh, my God, you're Tomas and Hank.
Can I get a picture?
This is my Katrina.
I think that blouse looks a lot better on you.
Oh.
- Whoa. - I have this one, guys.
Oh, it looks like they only gave us one bed.
- Oh, this is an outrage. - I'm calling management right now.
- Don't worry, Amber, we got this. - What?
No, guys, it's fine.
We'll share.
All right, let's get this started.
Thank you, each and every one of you, for coming.
And, actually, with this turn out,
I will be able to thank
each and every one of you privately, which is great.
There's something called the strategic inflexion point.
That's when you sort of show up out in society
and you realize that everyone's speaking another language.
I didn't understand what the hell anyone was talking about.
It was literally like I walk out,
and I talk to a person who's younger than 40,
and he's like... (speaking gibberish)
That's what it sounded like to me.
But then I thought when you reach that point
and everyone's speaking gibberish,
you better find out what they're talking about.
Turned out they were talking about the Internet.
I'm director Dennis Wasserman.
Welcome to the art of filmmaking.
(music playing on PowerPoint)
Stanley Kubrick.
Orson Welles.
Fellini.
These aren't just names, they're filmmakers.
But what is filmmaking?
- Yes. - Man: Yes, uh, hi, question.
When are you gonna bring out Mr. Blankets?
Wait, you know Mr. Blankets?
He's... he's having a cat nap.
(Dave laughs) Fantastic.
No, seriously, where's the cat?
I waited 45 minutes to make a Vine with Mr. Blankets.
He's-- Does anyone have any questions about filmmaking?
- Forget it. - Dave: Uh, wow!
Way to go. Way to speak out loud.
Let's, uh, let's do that.
Let's go ahead and open this up to a-- to a Q and A.
Are there any questions at all? Anything at all, fire away.
Yes, ma'am.
My question's for Kimmycam.
Would you rather have all of your clothes
made out of nachos or ice cream?
- Thank you. - Ice cream, definitely.
Hey, that's a really good question.
Let's just open it up to the panel, let's just go right down the line.
Texas Mike, ice cream or nachos for clothes?
I don't know, they're both pretty messy.
I think ice cream would just be way too cold.
Ice cream. I can take it.
Love you, Prank-A-Lank!
You always say what's on your mind.
Well, I, for one, am definitely wearing nachos,
so I guess we got a tie.
And a tiebreaker, Dennis.
Which is it gonna be?
Ice cream or nachos for clothing?
- (Bleep) this! - (microphone feedback)
Uh, hey.
Hey, whoa, Dennis. Hey, what the hell?
We'll be right back, folks.
Dennis, hey, hey. Come on, you came all this way.
Don't you want to, uh, talk to your fellow filmmakers?
What, so they can ask me what my favorite jellybean flavor is?
You're all bullshit! Wake up!
Huh, wha-- Hey. Where you--
What is your favorite jellybean col...
- Okay, and we'll just squiggly it. Yep. - (Lucy cries)
He wants your auto. There you go.
Oh, my God, That's One Scared Baby.
I so have to take a selfie, like, right now.
- Excuse me. - (clamoring)
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
- Uh, sorry, how old are you? - 14.
I'm Tigerfish91 from Instagram. I have a million followers.
A millions followers? Holy smokes.
Well, you must be some kind of sensation. What do you do?
I take pictures of myself. See?
- Wow, you sure don't like pants. - Thanks.
Do your parents know about this?
My parents want me to be famous.
I've been doing commercials and modeling since I was six.
It's pretty much my job.
My mom said if I book one more commercial,
I'll have enough for a nose job.
Then I'm pretty much a shoo-in for modeling in New York.
- Well, congratulations. - (camera clicks)
Thank you.
(camera clicks)
So shipping is when...
You take two people who you think are totally meant for each other...
And you say that you "ship" them.
Which is basically like putting them together as a couple.
So Hank and Tomas
become Hamas!
And then we pretend like they are married.
And then they do stuff that married people usually do.
Like sex things.
Which is great because they're straight in real life,
so we have to fantasize.
You wanna maybe help me with one of these bags?
Oh, sorry, my phone's kinda heavy. I got a MoFi on it.
- Oh, my God, it's Tomas Butterman. - And Hank Delacord.
- Tomas! - (girls clamoring)
This is what happens when we walk into a lobby!
(camera clicks)
All right, I gotta pee, so let's do this fast.
- Checking-in. - What's your name?
Really?
Meredith, why don't you take five?
(chuckling) I'm Janet.
Thank you guys so much for making it out.
I mean, making out. I mean, making it.
- I mean, hi. - Hi.
Cool. Can we check-in?
Oh, of course. I'm so sorry about Meredith.
She's so basic. Oh, shoot!
They have you and Hank in one hotel room.
I-- I will get that straightened out right away.
- Both: No! - Uh, no, no, no, we'll be cool.
- We'll rough it. - Oh, friendship goals.
Um, and can somebody take these freaking bags?
- They're digging into me. - Of course.
Wouldn't want to piss off the boss.
- Oh, are you an employee? - Yes.
Oh, good. Keep working, you might get promoted.
- Ooh, thanks. - Ooh, really quick.
Before I go, can I just get a picture of you?
- Sure. (giggles) - (camera clicks)
Just wanna prove to my friends that it's not just kids that watch my videos.
- It's old people. - Aw.
Stay gorgeous.
- Can I have a hug? - (giggling)
I'm gonna go shower.
- What's the plan? - Dude, she's begging us to go in there.
Think about it, you don't just take a shower after a day of travel.
- She wants us. - Yeah.
Okay, we get naked, we lock hands,
- we go in there together. - That's not a very good plan.
It's a plan. I never said it was a good plan. But it's a plan, okay?
We go in there together, in solidarity,
she'll know we're down to party.
Amber: Hey, guys, can one of you grab my makeup wipes?
It's in my toiletry bag.
(groaning)
Get off me!
Okay, guys, stop.
Okay, you guys know I'm the best describer of the group,
I go in, I come back, and you know I'm perfectly capable
of telling you her body in intimate detail.
Wha-- But I'm the best...
I-I'm the be-- I'm-I'm very good at--
Amber: Never mind, I'm good.
God!
Hi. I'm here.
And you are whom?
Dennis Wasserman, the filmmaker.
Um...
I get 15 million views a month.
I'm sorry, but you're not listed.
I-- I'm not listed?
Did you eat my invitation?
Did you think it was a cupcake?
Because I'm a nominee.
Oh, you're a nominee.
'Cause I'm pretty sure their names are Tomas Butterman,
- Lucy Hand, Mr. Blankets, and-- - Mr. Blankets.
- Oh, my God! Mr. Blankets! - (shrieks)
- Oh, where is he? - He's a cat. I'm a person.
Well, how do I know
you're not just some random guy saying that's your cat?
Okay, I'm gonna need to speak with your supervisor.
Or did you eat her, too?
I am the supervisor. I organized this event.
And I do not see your name on the list.
I have Mr. Blankets and a plus-one.
No, moron, you need to let me into my event.
- I'm a nominee! - Security!
Oh, what's up?
(grunts)
Okay, okay.
They want a cat? Fine.
I'll give 'em a cat.
I'll give 'em the cutest goddamn cat they've ever seen
in their (beep) lives.
- Hey. - Oh, these are free.
No, no, um, I know you.
- I've seen you before. - Oh, yeah.
"Wobbly Walk." I get it.
No, no, no.
You were fantastic as Maggie in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
You saw that?
Xander. Hold on.
- Uh, hi, Veronica. - I'll take your cup of pretzels.
- Very nice to meet you. - Okay.
- What do-- what do you do, Xander? - Music.
Uh, online mostly, but I'm trying to transition
into more mainstream stuff.
'Cause I'm really sick of being an Internet person, so...
- I hear you on that one. - Yeah.
- It's, um, it's the worst. - Yeah.
It's absolutely the worst.
(sighs) I got something important to ask you.
Can I have one of those pretzels?
- I guess we could share. - Please. Thank you so much.
- Yeah, there's a lot over there, but... - Mm-mm.
- I want one out of your pretzel cup. - Okay, all right, that's...
Okay.
Holy smokes,
I got three missed messages.
I don't know about you guys,
but that makes me Mr. Popular in my house.
How do I, uh...
(Mary on voicemail) Oh, hey, honey, I just got to the hotel.
It's like 4:00 a.m.
So, um, yeah, I'm out for the night.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Bye.
Wow, I don't know if you heard that, but she called me "honey,"
so that's a pretty big deal.
- (Mary giggling) - Uh- oh.
Uh, I think she butt dialed us.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mary?
Nope, she can't hear me. It's a voicemail.
Uh, Mary? Mary?
Nah, she-- it's her voicemail. She can't hear me.
(Mary moaning)
- Yes. - Oh, God.
Uh...
Oh, you guys feel that?
I got like a chill in the room here.
Well, uh, I don't know about you guys,
but I gotta call it a night.
I'm so tired.
Why?
- Whoo! Magic number! - Ooh, first time.
- This is tight. - Hotel for a baller.
Wow, this is a really great room.
- Man, mm. - Yeah.
Oh.
Don't worry, I got you.
- Cameraman: Ahem. - Whoa!
Oh, man, those are-- that's the camera guy.
- Hey, guys. - I get it.
- You-- - I'll tell them to leave.
You guys, I know you--
I know you-- You gotta go
'cause there's gonna be some... (pops lips)
- Just get out. - Your TV show just went X-rated.
Oh, yeah. They like that.
Oh, yeah. What, are these your business cards?
(both grunting)
Xander: Business cards.
- This is, um... - Where were we?
- Is this-- this is you? - Yeah.
- (chuckles) - Is this a joke?
No.
You're LOL Zordon?
You didn't know?
I don't know how you think I would know
that you were LOL Zordon.
- You ruined my life. - How? What?!
You took a video that nobody else would see,
and you-you made it like this thing, this joke.
- You made me a joke. - The whole world has seen that video.
- You might have your own TV show. - Yeah, I could have that.
You're right, I could totally have that
in a way that I didn't even want.
Well, maybe you should flip your perspective a bit.
I think you need to go.
(door opens, closes)
(sighs)
Cameraman: So you ready for the big show?
(dance music playing)
Announcer: And now, filming live from the Anaheim Convention Center
in sunny Southern California.
It's time for "Chris!"
And here's your host, Chris.
(dance music playing)
(cheering and applause)
Welcome!
Welcome, good morning, good morning.
Today is a very special show,
because we're going to crown the Web Star of the Year.
(cheering and applause)
And now, it's time to meet our judges.
Our first judge is a renowned soul singer
and current host of "HURRY! Buy this Jewelry NOW!,"
Karen Raye Quivers!
Oh, hey, Chris.
I'm so excited to be here-- for a limited time only.
Our second judge is a real cutup.
He's always pulling pranks around the office.
Meet Frank Riggits.
- (cheering and applause) - Hello.
Our third judge is a comic icon.
You know him from that hilarious trilogy,
"Don't Tell Mom I Got Turned Into a Donkey!"
It's Larry Trambone.
- (cheering and applause) - (laughing)
We'll be right back.
Is that your cat right there?
- Uh, yeah. - Nice, nice.
- How much you want for it? - Excuse me?
That cat. I'll give you $500 for it.
It's my wife's cat,
so I can't really sell it.
Tell her you took it to the vet
and there were complications.
He's just here for a flea bath.
"Honey, I took the cat to the vet.
And can you believe it?
He drowned in his flea bath."
Jesus, man.
The gray Ford, 2,000 cash.
Final offer for that cat.
- Bethany's coming. - Okay.
- Should I let her back? - Yeah.
Chris, hey, it's me.
Yes, me-me, hi.
Hey, um, I wanted to tell you a little story about myself
- if you don't mind. - No.
You see, I used to get picked on and bullied every single day.
And it was really hard.
I mean, I'd come home with red eyes
and tear-covered cheeks.
And I got made fun of a lot 'cause we were poor
and I couldn't really afford clothes like these, you know?
- I smelt like a friggin' thrift store. - Oh.
But every day,
I would see my best friend
at 3:00 p.m. without fail.
And his name was Chris.
You helped me through so much.
And I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for you.
And I just wanted to say thank you and...
man, I love you.
I think that you...
are a very special young man.
And I will always be your friend.
- Really? - Always.
Come here.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Did you get it? - Every freakin' word.
(gasps) Oh, my God, that angle, though.
(laughs) That's gonna get so many views.
Let's go.
(bass thumping in background)
Oh, miss, no-no, thanks.
Yeah, she's a baby. Yeah.
She's literally 14 months old. I just don't think she needs it.
Thank you.
She's a little baby.
(sighs) Hey, has anyone seen Mr. Blankets?
- He's a cat. - Dale: Oh, no, sir.
Been looking all over for the guy.
Okay, well, this guy's a real no-show.
I guess I can just put him at the end and we'll see what happen--
Copy that. Okay, everybody,
I have your main man for the evening.
Please welcome the one and only Chris.
Chris: Hey, ha ha ha!
Wow! All of you in one room.
This is amazing. I'm so glad you guys made it.
- I am such a huge fan, sir. - Me of you, me of you.
- May I? - Oh, yeah.
Hello, hello.
(demonic voice) Hello.
(chuckles) Wow, it's a tough crowd.
- (vocalizes) - Hi, Chris.
- Hey. - I'm so excited to be working with you.
Well, I've always thought that you've two have got a lot of talent.
- (laughter) - Good one, Chris.
Now, listen, I know you guys are used to the isolation of being in your basement
and looking into your video cameras and everything, but here's the deal.
It's exactly like it is at home right here.
Except that there's about 12 cameras, okay?
And about 8,000 people in the house, maybe another ten or 20 million watching.
All right, so no need to be nervous or anything.
But if you feel like you gotta hurl,
just make sure you do it before you get out on stage, okay?
All right, now, uh...
(high-pitched) this little host has to host his own little show now.
So if you'll excuse me, I'll see you later.
(normal voice) And listen, good luck to you, okay?
- Bye. - So long, Chris.
Okay, everybody, this is how it's gonna go.
All right, you'll do a quick introduction, they'll roll tape,
you'll do your live performances.
Keep it under two minutes, please, guys.
- What?! - Live performance-- no, no, no.
Nobody-- nobody said there was gonna be a live performance.
I didn't know anything about a live performance,
so I don't think we're doing it.
- Yeah, nobody told us about that. - Yeah.
Uh, guys, I don't know what to tell you.
It's a talent competition, so it's why you're here.
Well, I guess we'll just have to whip something up for ya.
Excellent. Uh, speaking of which,
I have a very special celebrity talent coach, Mr. Tay Zonday.
Hey, guys, it's gonna be great.
Just believe in yourselves, and, yeah...
I don't know what else to tell you.
Great. Awesome. Yeah, let's get the photo.
Gorgeous.
Okay, we parked out back?
- Yeah, right around the corner. - And what was the point of that?
Five minutes, guys.
What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?
Our top finalists worked around the clock
with our special celebrity talent coach Tay Zonday.
(cheering and applause)
Here are some special moments from that day.
(music playing)
I was so impressed by the talent in this competition.
Working with them all so closely, I can safely say,
it's gonna be very hard to predict how this thing shakes out.
I did everything I could to give them all the tools they needed.
And anything they didn't get from me in person,
they can get in my newly released book called, "Buy My Book."
Available in stores right now.
Buy it. Just don't ask me what's in it.
Thank you.
Some people read Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Others, the "Way of the Peaceful Warrior."
- I just grab a minute with Tay Zonday. - (laugher)
He gave us a minute.
Thanks for watching the "Chris!" show.
It's Chris. We'll be right back.
Amber, you're on in two minutes, okay?
- All right. - Excuse me, guys, sorry.
Oh, no. Okay.
Writers, what do I do?
You could tell some jokes.
I know this one joke about two guys that walk into church.
One knows about science, and one knows about God,
but that ain't no two minutes, man.
You're probably just going to have to take it all off and show them the goods.
The goods! That's it!
I'll do Mrs. Cloudbottom.
But my costume's upstairs, can one of you get it in time?
- I'm on it. - But, Doug, you're not so fast.
Today, I'm gonna have to be. Excuse me.
It's going to be okay, Amber.
I-I'm really sorry. I'm terrible at time management.
- You're on right now, okay? - Wait--
Come on, baby, come on. Right now.
Just-- just think of Eddie Murphy.
Our first finalist is a "comedian"
with over a half billion views.
Please give it up for Amber Day.
(cheering and applause)
Amber.
Hi, TV people!
So, Amber, if you get your own show on the boob tube,
what the heck are you gonna do?
Well...
I just wanna make people laugh.
So it will most definitely be a funny show.
Thank you.
Okay, save some of that comedy for your own show.
(laughter)
Let's roll the clip, shall we?
- (whispering) Hey, Amber. Amber. - (music playing)
So the video is four minutes, so that means that you have...
four minutes.
Oh, God.
- We can do the Miley spoof "We Can't Mop." - No!
Everybody's already seen "We Can't Mop," Hank.
It has 100 million views.
How 'bout The Weeknd? The new Weeknd spoof?
No, "I Can't Find My Vase" isn't ready yet.
Amber, I'm coming for you!
Man: How's it going, Dale?
Oh, uh, not too good, no.
Um, it's been a tough couple days.
I guess I just...
I just see perpetual darkness around me.
I don't really see anything, uh, too hopeful, other than Lucy.
But, um, I don't-- I don't see much for Dale.
So, uh...
But next week's my birthday, so...
- Coming through. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Restricted access, sir.
Why don't you check your clipboard there for Mr. Blankets?
Is that Mr. Blankets?
- (meows) - It's a cat.
Get in there. It's started. Sorry, sir.
We have Mr. Blankets.
I did it! I got 'em!
Oh, my God, Doug, you are amazing!
All right, I'm gonna go to the changing room real quick.
- Go, go. - No, don't go anywhere, Amber.
- We're back on in 30 seconds. - Oh, my God.
- What are we gonna do? - Okay.
Kevin, Doug, I need you guys to watch this area, all right?
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Carlos, look at me.
I need you to help me get dressed.
- Okay. - Here you go.
All right, let's go.
All right, it's coming off.
Okay, it's coming down.
- Oh, my gosh, it's so cold in here. - Kevin: You need a hand?
Bra. Okay.
How about the original? The original that you've been working on.
- No. - Yes!
Why not? Think about it.
The entire world is watching us.
This is where we can show that you are not just a parody artist.
You're an artist.
Okay, underwear.
Okay, how do I look?
Beautiful.
Amber! Amber! You're on right now. Go. Go, go, go.
Good luck.
Wow, well, gee whiz, Amber.
Those tapes were very...
- bouncy and perky. - (laughter)
I'm not Amber.
I'm Mrs. Cloudbottom, the Dogcatcher.
Are there any dogs out here for me to catch?
Whenever I see a dog off the leash,
I got a real bone to pick with the owner.
Man: Boo.
How are we supposed to write the jokes when she's on the stage?
- We did write the jokes. - Shut up, Doug, be constructive.
Come on, guys, think.
I'm a dogcatcher, and my name is Mrs. Cloudbottom.
- Man: Take it off! - (laughter, whistling)
- Ruff, ruff, man. - Whoa!
Looks like we got a live one.
- (laughter) - Oh, definitely neuter.
(music playing)
Wow, great job, Amber.
I mean, Miss Cloudbreast.
Way to pull that one out of your net.
Okay, judges, what do you gotta say?
Karen Raye Quivers.
You know, no judgment,
but when I first met you, I thought,
"Now there is a girl I just don't trust."
She's fake. She's got fake hair. A fake face.
Looks like she done bought it at a store.
And I thought the nerve of this woman.
She probably never worked a day in her whole damn life.
She got beady, cold, evil-wall eyes.
You know, the kind that just follow you.
You can't escape them no matter where you go.
No matter what you do. No matter what God you pray to.
But then, you totally turned it around.
Good for you. You got my vote. Congratulations.
- Oh! - (cheering and applause)
Um, you know, it started out kinda "ruff."
- Ruff. - (sporadic laughter)
Then it ended up kinda "grr-eat."
So that was, um, something.
Um, I would, uh, scratch behind her ears
if given the opportunity.
And, uh, she deserves a treat. Good girl, good girl.
(cheering and applause)
(laughs) Oh, somebody better call an ambulance
because my heart just stopped.
You are funny and pretty.
That's a w-w-w-winning combo.
Combo! (barking)
(vocalizing)
Gosh, Larry, we miss you on the silver screen.
(mimicking rocket)
- (cheering and applause) - We'll be right back.
Way to save the Titanic, lady dog. Good job.
Oh, my God.
You guys are amazing.
Mwah. Mwah.
Mmmwah!
(giggling)
Tell us everything.
Size, shape, color-- you are by far the best describer of the group.
Was it like magic? Was it like we dreamed of?
It was amazing, man.
There was nipples everywhere.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Keep going, keep going. - And when she-- she took off the bra,
they were free and they were bigger than ever.
- They were big? - They were huge.
I-I saw everything, man. They were big.
- But I saw it, I saw it. - You saw it.
- I saw it. - My boy.
I panicked.
I had my shot, and I-I freakin' blew it.
I shut my eyes so tight.
All I could see is blackness.
100% black.
Is that the cat? Oh, thank God you're here.
Is everything okay? Look, Diane, will you get him a water, please?
Oh, Diane, make that a room temp, okay, sweetie?
Please welcome Tomas "The Parody Boss" and his little friend Hank.
Or as you may know them... Hamas?
(cheering and applause)
- What a sweet young man. - Great to see you again, bro.
Yeah, we definitely have never met.
- Yeah, we met that-- that one time. - No, never happened.
- You're one of my Hanky Panks. - What the (bleep) is that?
What the (bleep) is a "Hanky Pank"?
Okay, so, let's uh, let's roll the tape, shall we?
Actually, uh, we're gonna do something a little bit different today.
Because right now, we're gonna be performing an original song!
And it's gonna be banging!
Okay, I have no idea what that means.
It means it's gonna be amazing.
All right, well, here we go. No tape.
Here they are, Tomas and Hank performing.
- Man: I love you, Hamas! - (music playing)
(cheering and applause)
♪ Yo, I know God said no false idols ♪
♪ But I talk to God and we chill so ♪
♪ You can pray to Tomas ♪
♪ I'll get you through it all ♪
♪ It started as a little boy ♪
♪ I used to dream of what life could be ♪
♪ I've checked all the boxes now ♪
♪ That I'm on frickin' TV ♪
♪ I am, I am ♪
♪ Everything, I'm everything ♪
♪ Yeah, I am ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ Everything ♪
♪ I'm everything, yeah ♪
♪ When I was a little boy ♪
♪ My teacher asked what we wanna be ♪
♪ Most kids said astronaut ♪
♪ The answer should've been me ♪
♪ Now I make more money in a month ♪
♪ Than my teacher made in a year ♪
♪ And all those kids from my class will kill themselves ♪
♪ When they see me here ♪
♪ I am... ♪
I'm done. I am absolutely done.
So go tell Chris that I'm not doing it,
'cause I'm not doing "The Wobbly Walk."
Man: Veronica, if you leave, you could get sued.
You signed a contract, and you will be held liable for damages.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
♪ Life goals, dream goals ♪
♪ House goals, car goals ♪
♪ Boy goals, girl goals ♪
♪ Equal goals, whatever goals ♪
♪ Sleep goals, teeth goals ♪
♪ Tan goals, cash goals ♪
♪ Squad goals, all the goals ♪
♪ If you Google search goals you'll just see pictures of me ♪
♪ I am, I am ♪
♪ Everything, I'm everything ♪
♪ Yeah, I am ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ Everything, I'm everything ♪
♪ Yeah ♪♪
Woman: Do "Heathers," come on!
Man: Why didn't you do "Moo, moo"?
Wow, fellas, that was... that was really loud.
Uh, let's-- let's check-in with our judges.
- Karen? - Oh, honey.
Honey, I have got to say,
that was the worst piece of shit I've ever seen in my life.
You done flung horse manure all over this room.
We're all sitting in it, just covered in it.
And you couldn't sell a performance if you broke it into four easy payments,
and you have gold just dripping out your butthole.
Honey, you need to stop. Do us all a goddamn favor and quit.
Chris, I'm a no. I'm a hell to the no.
Okay, okay.
Frank. Oh, gosh, where's Frank?
It's me, it was me. I was kidding.
That was bad. That was real bad.
Frank, you are such a cutup. I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
That should be easy.
I'm like right in your field of vision.
(laughter)
All right, and do I even ask?
Do I even dare to ask? Larry.
No... no. Don't come near me.
Don't come near me with that!
I'm not numb! No! No!
Ah! Ah!
- (screaming continues) - Okay, I think Larry's simulating
dental work out there.
(crying) I didn't like it.
All right, thanks, guys. Let's give it up.
- (light applause) - Okay...
- Tough break. - Eat a dick.
Tomas, Tomas, hey, look.
You looked great out there. Hair looks great.
- I know! - Okay, the fans vote, okay? Not the judges.
We got this in the freakin' bag.
- Yeah? - No.
You-- Yes. What do you mean "no"? Yes.
Next up is a real crybaby. I mean, literally.
Her hilarious, frightened reactions have captivated the world.
This girl is going to be a huge star.
Please welcome to the stage little baby Lucy and her daddy Dale.
(cheering and applause)
Okay, I, uh, I think it might be a good time
to roll Dale's video montage
chronicling the life of little baby Lucy.
(music playing)
- Mary: Yay! Whoo! - Dale: Whoo!
Whoo!
Hey, where's Mommy? There she is. Say hi.
(demonic voice) There is no God.
- (growling) - (laughter)
(crying)
Mary: Aren't you sweet?
"It's not my dragon. His spots are too shiny."
- Dale: Walking, okay. - Mary: Learning how to walk.
Dale: Learning how to walk.
All right, who wants another dog? These things are going pretty quick.
- (laughter) - Anybody? Show of hands.
Oh, my God. Oh... oh, God.
Okay, this isn't a joke.
Ah! This isn't a joke! Dale's burning! Dale's burning!
- Mary: Peekaboo. - Dale: Baby elevator.
- Hello. - Look at that. Up.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what's happening?
What's happening? Oh, my God!
Please, don't take my daughter! Please, don't take my daughter!
Please, just don't take my daughter!
(cheering and applause)
That was one scared baby.
Now, Dale, you have two minutes
to give these folks the show of their lives.
Now, what prank are we gonna see?
She really-- she really was a scared baby, huh?
I was-- I was thinking that, uh....
I have been scaring baby Lucy
pretty much every single week
for her entire life so far.
- (applause) - And, uh...
Well, you know what I learned this weekend?
I think the world is a scary enough place as it is
without me dressing up like "Bram Stoker's Dracula"
and getting staked by vampire hunters
and turned into dust, you know?
I know a lot of you people in Hollywood are watching right now
and you're thinking you want a piece of baby Lucy.
Well...
sorry, but this baby's not for sale.
She doesn't want any of your rock cocaine
or your fast cars or your stripper dancers
or whatever it is you're thinking about.
Not this baby, all right?
Sometimes you gotta put family first.
I think it's high time I put my family first.
(applause)
Boy, I'm kinda sad I didn't get to do my show, though.
I was gonna come out and give a speech similar to this one,
but then about halfway through, I get taken out by a sniper.
- (crowd aws) - Sorry, Miguel, it's off, all right?
Calling it. Yep. Thanks, bud.
Look, Luce, wave at Miguel. It's Miguel from church.
All right.
Yeah, I'm wearing, uh, about 19 squibs
and three and a half pounds of lamb meat.
That was gonna explode out of my chest and lower gut area.
Uh, all over the floor.
And, um, yeah, that would've been one heck of a scared baby, huh?
(chuckles) We forfeit the competition.
- You can all go home. - No, no, nobody go home.
We, uh, we still-- we still have not decided...
- Oh, oops. - ...who the winner is yet.
- Whoops. - So...
- Uh, just pop a squat over here? - No, no, I think--
I think it might be time for you to leave.
- Okay, all right, okay. - All right.
- Barry. - Well, bye, America.
- (music playing) - Hey, Lucy, say, "Bye, America."
Bye. Bye, America.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm-- I'm with that guy.
I-I don't think I can do this performance.
Is there anyway we can just skip it?
Yeah, okay, after what just happened, no, absolutely not.
You know her just by the way she walks.
Veronica Decker, "The Wobbly Walk."
And you're on. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- (cheering and applause) - (music playing)
Now, Veronica, your "Wobbly Walk" video
has nearly a billion views and counting.
People cannot get enough of that dance.
In a way, you started a "wobolution."
(laughter)
How does it make you feel?
Well, um...
at first, I thought I was gonna have to fake my own death.
(laughter)
Let's just face it, it's just a silly dance
set to music that people like to watch
so we don't have to talk about Syria.
(cheering and applause)
Well, Veronica, you are a natural on camera.
Well, I-- I did train as an act--
Well, since most people have already seen Veronica's video,
let's show a reel that shows how people feel
about "The Wobbly Walk."
(music playing)
It's not just a dance.
It's a feeling you get
when you see it, and when you do it.
Girl, when I'm having a bad day on my job,
I just turn on that video with those people dancing
and doing "The Wobble"...
I start cracking up!
Girl, I forget all of my troubles.
I love it.
Boy: I love to dance...
but I'm not very good.
And people would make fun of me for even trying.
- (crowd aws) - But I was at my school dance,
and I started to "Wobbly Walk."
And I got everybody clapping,
because I could do the dance the best.
Guys, this-- it's not just a video.
(shuddering)
- (cheering and applause) - Wow!
Well, Veronica, what will you be performing for us tonight?
I will be doing a monologue
as Abigail from "The Crucible."
I'm kidding. Hit it!
- (cheering and applause) - (music playing)
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly ♪
♪ Wobbly, Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly, Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
- ♪ You can do it ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
- ♪ If you try ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ Now shake, shake on the floor ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ I'm doing it, I'm doing it ♪
♪ I'm doing it, I'm doing it... ♪
Dude!
I can't even with you right now.
Tomas! Tomas, I'm sorry.
- ♪ Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ Do the Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪♪
(cheering and applause)
(Veronica panting)
Listen, I used to think that the music was the best part.
But you know what? It's you Veronica.
Karen Raye Quivers, what do you say out there?
What did you think of Veronica?
I'm gonna be frank with you, Veronica.
I do not like you.
Chris, I do not like this woman.
I don't like looking at you. You know why?
'Cause you're scary.
You have that powder-white skin you rocking.
You know what you look like, honey?
You look like a Civil War ghost.
Honestly, I think you a witch.
And you lucky there ain't a river in here, 'cause you know what I'd do?
I would drag your white ass and throw it in there to see if you float.
And guess what, the bitch don't float.
She don't!
But then you know what you did?
You turned it around.
I liked your song.
Congratulations. You got my vote.
(cheering and applause)
Chinese... I'm just kidding. I can get it off.
I was kidding. Um, yeah, that was fine.
It was good.
(music playing)
Frank, promise me you'll do stand-up.
I'm seated, Chris.
- I'm seated. - Okay.
Larry, I think we're gonna move on.
Chris, Chris, could you hold on just for a second?
There's something under the desk. I don't know what it is.
Oh, here it comes. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Here it comes! It's a knockout punch!
(fist thudding)
Make it stop, Chris! Make it stop!
That's gotta hurt.
- Veronica Decker, everybody! - (cheering and applause)
Our final contestant is a personal favorite of mine.
Now, I know there are a lot of cat videos out there on the Internet,
but none that are quite as cute as this furry little friend.
Please welcome Mr. Blankets and his...
handler.
- (cheering and applause) - Man: I love Mr. Blankets!
Hello, kitty.
Chris, I've got a bone to pick with you.
You forgot to introduce me. I'm the filmmaker.
- Dennis Wasserman. - Man: Hey, that's not the cat!
- That's not Mr. Blankets. - That is not Mr. Blankets.
Mr. Blankets is a brown tabby.
Everyone knows that Mr. Blankets is a brown tabby.
That's an orange tabby.
No, no, no, this is-- this is him.
This-- It's just--
It was a long trip and he-- he looks different in real life.
- O-- - Man: No way that that could happen.
Okay, you know what, can we please get a picture up,
please, of Mr. Blankets?
- (music playing) - (crowd jeering)
Okay, that is not Mr. Blankets!
Oh.
No, no, no, this is his friend.
I didn't bring him. This is-- this is Mr. Duvet.
Man: We hate Mr. Duvet.
We want Mr. Blankets! Boo!
Security. Security. Somebody-- somebody call security!
I am Mr. Blankets!
I made him! He's a (bleep) cat!
I'm the nominee! I made the videos!
He's a (bleep) cat!
Boo this! Boo this!
(Bleep) you! (Bleep) you!
Wow, you are such a sad and angry man.
- Man: Boo the angry man! - (crowd booing)
Chris: Okay, get him. There he is.
Go ahead. Go.
Wow. Well, we, uh...
we clearly have to disqualify Mr. Blankets.
- That is such a shame. - (yelling)
(electricity buzzing)
(cheering and applause)
I am Mr. Blankets!
I made him!
Well, we've tabulated your votes, and we've come up with a clear winner.
Will the remaining contestants please take the stage?
(cheering and applause)
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Who will get their very own TV show?
Will it be the lovely Amber Day,
a.k.a. Miss Cloudbottom, the Dogcatcher.
Or will it be Tomas "The Parody Boss"...
- (crowd booing) - ...and friend?
Or will it be Veronica "The Wobbly Walk" Decker?
(cheering and applause)
And the winner is...
- Tomas. - Yes! Justice!
Oh, I knew it!
You are not the winner.
What?
Oh... Veronica.
I hate to do this to you.
But how would you like your own TV show?
- Congratulations! - (cheering and applause)
Oh!
Congratulations.
Thank you! Whoo!
- Yeah! - (crowd chanting "Wobbly Walk")
- Hit it! - ♪ Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
- ♪ You can do it ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
- ♪ If you try ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ Now shake, shake on the floor ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
(music playing)
Veronica: What I wanted to do originally was
Broadway.
Uh, Woody Allen movie.
Win an Oscar.
But this is... similar.
Announcer: ...with your host Veronica Decker.
Hello, and welcome to "Wobble with the Web Stars."
Where we took a show like "Dancing with the Stars" and did it cheaper.
(music playing)
Carlos: Gentlemen, without further ado,
I present to you a sneak peek of Amber Day's new character,
- Katie the Veterinarian. - Whoo!
Hey, everyone, it's me, Katie the Veterinarian.
Dennis: Thanks for visiting, Mom.
I think this is gonna cheer you up.
- (meows) - Look who came to see you.
You get that goddamn cat out of here right now!
- Dennis... - You ruined my life!
- Now! Now! - Mr. Blankets.
Dale: I went through a very messy divorce.
Though, I would call it a category four divorce.
Lucy's out of the biz.
Uh, I wanted her to-to have a stable environment at home
with a dad who occasionally scares the living hell out of her.
Uh, but I stopped doing that.
Of course, uh, I still think about it.
Uh, Lucy's doing great.
Hasn't spoken a single word... for two years.
That doctors say that because I spent
the vast majority of her life,
uh, dressed up like a swamp demon,
that that probably has something to do with why
she's not developed speech patterns yet.
And why she also, um, screams in her dreams.
Tomas: Nobody watches TV anymore.
I'm literally the most famous person in the whole world.
So I have been working on a super-secret project
that is gonna blow you away.
Man: Tomas Butterman presents "Harvest Moon," a vampire web series.
I can't let you do this. It's too dangerous, Tristin.
I can't help it, Roman.
- The prophecy's too strong. - You're too strong.
I can feel it.
(shudders)
All my YouTube friends wanna be in it.
And I was like, "Uh, sorry, real actors only." (scoffs)
(music playing)
♪ Chocolate GoMax ♪
♪ Probiotic yogurt for women on the go ♪
♪ Chocolate GoMax ♪
♪ Get some now and maintain your flow ♪♪
(music playing)
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly, Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly, Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly Wobbly Walk ♪
- ♪ You can do it ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
- ♪ If you try ♪ - ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪
♪ You gotta shake, shake on the floor ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ I'm doing it, I'm doing it ♪
♪ Don't be sad 'cause your boyfriend broke up ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly, Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ The Wobbly, Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
- ♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪ - ♪ Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk ♪
♪ Wobble, Wobble, Wobble ♪♪
(music playing)