Holidays
coach
all right, up you go, Max!
Yah! Up you go, maxi-pad!
Knock it off, Heidi.
Oh, my god.
Whoo! Here we go, Max! Bring me that brick!
C'mon now!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
You know what you have to do, maxi.
Looks like someone wants a kiss!
Ooh!
Well?
Well, what? He loves me.
He didn't give you detention?
Detention? Please, girl.
How he gon' give me detention when he knows we gon' set this up on Friday!
Huh?
Well, no, Valentine's is, uh, Valentine's is tonight...
Why... why would we go Friday?
Well, I can't do Friday.
Well, no, you know, the, the talent show.
Talent show fund raiser
no, no, the talent show that the kids organized for my operation.
Aw.
Did you really think Mr. Rockwell was trying
to kiss your little rat lips?
Hmm?
Hey! I'm talking to you, maxi-pad.
No, no, i know, but, you know, it's a nice gesture,
you know how much these kids love me.
Not like that.
No, they look up to me, Kim, all right.
And I'd be a real jerk to ditch out on my own fundraiser, don't you think?
You really think he'd go for you?
Over me?
Just wait until he sees the twerking routine we came up with for the talent show.
Real Nicki Minaj shit.
That's fine. No, no, no, you know what, that's great.
Ya, I love you too.
Heart and lung foundation
mr, Rockwell, we regret to inform
what are you doing to get him a new heart?
Did you organize a talent show?
Are you gonna perform something? Hmm?
Ooh, I know. How about a little game of show and tell?
First you show everybody your little friend, Mr. box cutter.
And then just watch as those donations pour in
when you tell them it's the same toy your dear dead daddy
killed himself with.
I gotta meet Rick.
Uh, you're not going to go take a shower?
No, I'll take one at home.
I heard this one has rats in it.
To Maxine coach Rockwell
maxi pad
to Maxine coach Rockwell
to Maxine love coach Rockwell
stop following me, maxi-pad.
You're acting really weird today, even for you.
Well, go ahead.
Well, I'm gonna cut through the woods. See you tomorrow.
Happy Valentine's day.
What are you doing?
You don't even live this way.
Stop following me.
Now look what you did!
I... I... I was just kidding.
We're going to be late.
Well, I thought i had until Friday.
Why would you think that? Valentine's day is tonight!
Give me your heart
happy Valentine's day
written and directed by Kevin kolsch
and Dennis widmyer
shamrocks. Irish dancing. Parades of green.
These are some of the images that come to mind when we think
of St. Patrick's day.
On weekends I play with my magical whores
but who exactly was St. Patrick?
And how did he deliver the word of god to Ireland?
Horse
a land once in the grip of druids, pagans, and devil worshippers?
According to legend,
Patrick banished all of the snakes from Ireland by tossing them into the sea.
Although evidence suggests there were no snakes in Ireland
during the 5th century.
Most scholars believe this to be a metaphor.
St. Patrick's expulsion of the pagans and mystics.
Long may Ireland let slip from memory its paganistic days of old.
Hiya, grainne.
That's very pretty. Who is it for?
Okay.
Look. I know how hard change is,
coming to a new school, not having any friends.
But I bet if you were to show us that smile just for a second,
it would make all the difference in the world.
Do you know what? I have an idea.
Would you like to ring the lunch bell?
Only your deepest wish can make me smile
hiya, it's me.
I can't chat for long. I'm here waiting for Sam.
He's insisted I park away from the school because apparently
I'm not cool.
He's like, "mum, it's not authentic if I smile."
Yeah, it's your holy communion photo, not the dogme 95 movement.
My doctor actually recommended
I get new contact lenses with "hope" printed on the insides.
Apparently clinical trials suggest it may help
the cynical wheel of self-loathing from turning.
I hate myself.
Anyway, I can't wait to see you this weekend for paddy's day.
We'll get fucked up, yeah? Find you a man?
Day 1
Liz, where are ya?
I went back to the bar but there was no sign of you and that
Danny zuko wannabe you were talking to.
Would you call me, you think?
I'd like you to pick your favorite book,
write a page about why you like it,
and score the book out of ten.
Hand in date is two weeks from today.
Okay, everybody, page 38, circles.
Day 13
fuck! Hiya, grainne.
What?
Now, hang on.
That's not very appropriate, grainne.
Mrs. Cullen?
You are pregnant.
I fucking knew it!
I just can't believe it!
Oh! I've waited so long for this.
However, we're not certain with what.
Well, if it's a boy or a girl, that doesn't matter to me.
We'd like to run some further tests.
Although, if the results indicate a false positive,
we'd need to operate immediately and remove it.
I'm pregnant.
Ooh.
Did... did you understand what I said?
Mmm-hmm, it's totally grand, boy or girl,
whatever I get, I'm happy.
I am so happy.
Were you with somebody recently, or some animal of some kind?
No.
Okay, have you ever seen the Hollywood movie Rosemary's baby?
Yeah.
If you replace '"baby" with "reptile",
that's what you have.
It's like Rosemary's reptile.
Huh?
The story of prince lindworm brother, prince, snake
book report
love this tale of terror ten out of ten
grainne, what is this?
Grainne, what is this?
Stop smiling!
Day 366
nan just called.
She says you look like a 25-year-old woman from the middle ages,
spliced with a mentally ill circle.
I'm booking an appointment with Dublin zoo.
There's no excuses this time, Liz.
Hi, can I help you with anything?
I'm, I'm really sorry. That's not really, that's not...
That's not really okay.
I'm sorry. I'm just going to have to take that.
I'm sorry. You're going to have to leave.
What the fuck are you thinking, Liz?
The zoo just called, they said you never turned up for your appointment.
I know you're probably saying to yourself, "what if the vet's got it wrong?"
Let me impart some important advice I learned a long time ago, the hard way.
Vets don't get things wrong.
Giving birth to a snake is not only suicide,
it's probably the most wrong-headed thing ever attempted
in the field of human endeavor.
The only thing you have to do to make our family happy is just come home.
Alone.
Shh.
It'll all be over soon, i promise.
Shh. Shh.
I need you to help me get clean of this, okay?
Horrible, isn't it?
You cannot remember.
But you can't forget.
Grainne, this is your father?
Danny fucking zucko?
Our little boy is waiting.
Look, I know you think she's different, but she's not.
She'll run a mile when she claps eyes on him.
Just wanted a normal baby.
It's not fair.
Blah blah blah.
But just look how quickly she forgets.
Don't make me laugh.
She's the same as the rest of them.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
He'd be so damn ugly.
You'd be so beautiful.
Very good, little one. Very good.
Let's go!
I bet there's a whole lotta disenchanted folk out there
just waiting for a bouncing snake to lighten up their lives.
I bet if we tap into that lonely miserable demographic,
in a few short years and a bit of luck,
we might just hit pre-Patrick numbers.
Oh, my beautiful baby!
Only your deepest wish can make me smile
st Patrick's day greetings
happy St. Patrick's day
written and directed by Gary shore
time to close your eyes and go to sleep.
It's a special day tomorrow. Someone's coming tonight.
I'll give you a hint.
He's furry.
And he hops.
And you wake up in the morning and you get...
Candy eggs and candy chicks.
Yes. But here's the thing.
No kid has ever seen him.
Because all the kids are supposed to be asleep when he comes. Okay?
Okay.
Okay. Close your eyes.
Wait.
I'm scared.
Why? Are you afraid you're going to have a bad dream?
The man coming back from the dead.
What man?
Jesus.
In church they said that easter was about him coming back from being dead.
What about the easter bunny?
Is he dead too?
No, the easter bunny's different.
Is Jesus real?
Yeah, he was real.
-He was? -Yeah.
But he was a good man.
And you know what?
Yes, he died, but when he came back, that was a good thing.
It was a miracle that he came back.
He flew up into the stars and he went back where he came from.
And he lives in our hearts now.
It's kind of like a scary version of e.T.
Yeah, but he wasn't a story, he was real.
What about the easter bunny?
Well, the easter bunny comes on easter.
But I thought that's when Jesus came back from the dead.
Uh...
No, it's... that's different.
I don't understand, mommy.
Oh, honey, just close your eyes and go to sleep.
And tomorrow you are going to wake up and there will be
candy chicks and eggs and yummy stuff.
But what if I'm awake when he comes?
What if I get up and get a glass of water?
It's okay to get a glass of water.
No, but what if he's here? What if I see him?
Shh. Honey. Just go to sleep.
Mommy.
How does he get in the house?
Shh.
Okay.
I'm gonna count to three, and I want those eyes shut.
All right? One.
Two.
Three.
You're going to wake up tomorrow and it's going to be exactly like last year.
Mommy?
Last year, daddy was here.
Will he ever come back?
Maybe.
Go to sleep, baby.
Mommy?
This is a dream.
You're not real.
Touch me.
No child has ever seen me.
I won't... I won't tell anyone i saw you.
I promise.
But now that you've seen me. Now it is your turn.
You must take my place.
Take... take your place?
You will see things few have ever seen.
Magical things.
But what if... What if I don't want to?
You have no choice.
Can I... can I come back and see my mommy?
Where you're going, you will never see your mommy ever, ever again.
Now close your eyes.
Honey?
Best easter wishes
happy easter
written and directed by Nicholas McCarthy
you know, there are only a few days in any woman's cycle
where she's capable of conceiving.
And you're on, generic high dose progestin?
Do you take it at the same time every day?
Mmm-hmm. -You're sure?
He wears two condoms.
Hmm?
I ask him to wear two condoms. Sometimes three.
And you've terminated nearly 20 pregnancies?
I've stopped counting.
-I'm sorry, I... -It's okay.
I've been to see so many doctors.
My family won't talk to me.
My friends think I'm insane,
or making it up, or just...
It's...
It's like I'm cursed.
I don't usually do this.
But it does feel like you've exhausted all other options.
I'm going to give you my sister's phone number.
She volunteers at these weekend fertility ceremonies in the high desert.
Maybe she can give you some sort of insight that the rest of us haven't been able to.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's probably not for me, but I appreciate it.
Kate, if what you've told me is true
then I don't think conventional medicine can help you.
What happens at the ceremony?
Well, um, have you ever participated in a peyote ceremony
or ayahuasca, or any kind of ceremonial medicine?
Well, no.
It can be an intense experience.
Um, but if you're open to it, I think that you can really learn something.
I know I'm going to get pregnant this time.
I know it. I know it. Sometimes it takes many times
to come here before you do.
I think you have to let go of the trying.
Yeah, I get nervous sometimes.
Make yourself at home. The ceremony will start in an hour.
How old are you?
Twenty-four.
What's the rush?
I'm actually not trying to have a baby right now.
Then what are you doing here?
I get pregnant every time I have sex.
Sounds rough.
No. No. No. No.
You are a gateway.
No, I have to go home. No, I have to get out of here.
No, I have to go home. No, I don't want to be here.
It's just the medicine. Trust it. It's just the medicine.
Every time you end the life inside of you,
it will come back stronger.
Sleep
sleep, little bird
when the time comes
do not resist
do not say no
good morning, sleepyhead.
Do you want a bath today?
Yeah.
Okay.
One, two, three, up.
Okay.
You're gonna be such a good mama.
You've been very patient.
I think we need to increase her dose.
No, we can't give her more than three drops.
It's not good for the baby.
Lily, she's fine.
- Morning. - Sister.
Started getting so hot out there.
Yeah, it always heats up in may.
Happy mother's day, mama. We're almost there.
Blood pressure is a little high.
Has anybody tried calling her phone?
No, poor girl.
How's she been this week?
Not so good. I mean, we could use you around here more often.
Well, I can't spend all my time out here,
I'm going back and forth enough as it is.
Well, you don't know what it's like here. It's really hard.
I am here every weekend. I'm going back and forth.
Yeah, well, I think you should stay with her from here on out.
It's the last month.
I can't take a whole month off of work, Lily.
God damn it, you idiot!
Don't yell at her.
No wonder she has high blood pressure, living here with you guys.
She can't hear us anyways.
It's okay. Come on. Come with me. Come on.
Okay.
Classical or contemporary today?
I'm feeling contemporary.
911, what's your emergency?
My name is Kate polson.
I'm... I've been kidnapped.
I can't hear you, miss, can you speak up?
I need help.
Fire, ambulance, or police?
Police, please. Please hurry.
What's the address?
Oh. Um...
It's like, it's a house. Um, ten miles north of the highway.
It's a... ah!
Oh, god!
Be careful.
- Careful!
That was stupid, look what you did! What's happening?
She's going in to labor, that's what's happening.
God. Okay.
Just breathe. Just breathe.
The more you accept it, the easier it will be.
All right, come on, just push. Push for me.
- Good girl.
Push, Kate. Push. Almost there, almost there.
Dearest mother
happy mother's day
written and directed by Sarah adina Smith
probably not.
Yeah, I'm going to be here grading these papers all weekend.
Yeah, I know, it's 52 this year.
Happy father's day
hi, Carol.
It's me. Your daddy.
I'm so sorry. Daddy had to leave you.
I never loved anything more than you.
You were my miracle.
I wanted so badly for you to come with me.
For us to be together.
Your mother and I,
we just didn't see things the same way.
It's so important that you know it wasn't your fault.
And that you know that I am
so, so sorry I wasn't there for you.
If you're hearing this message,
I, I can't imagine the pain
that I've caused you.
But it's not too late for us to be together.
I left this message in trust with good people.
I told them to give this to you when you were old enough,
strong enough.
I didn't want to leave you there all alone.
It wasn't my choice.
So, if you want to see me,
to find me,
continue where we left off,
I can be there for you now. If you're ready.
Just go to where we played that day,
our last day together.
Go there, turn the tape over,
press play and I will guide you.
You will always be my baby, no matter what you choose.
I just hope you'll have it in you to forgive me.
Remember, daddy loves you forever, Carol.
This isn't fair. This isn't fucking fair.
How could you do this to me, mom?
All these years? He was alive?
I missed him so much.
You fucking call me back the minute you get this.
Bitch!
Carol! Come on, baby, it's time to go!
Five more minutes?
Okay, five more minutes, then we have to go.
Okay!
Hello, Carol.
I hope that you've come, and are ready to see me again.
Listen carefully, and I'll help you find me.
I'm ready, daddy.
Yeah, okay, you got your backpack?
Yeah.
Hey, let's go this way today, okay?
Where are we going?
First we're going towards the exit.
Then we are headed south, on revelle Avenue.
South? Where's south?
It's this way.
Come, let's hold hands while crossing.
How come you're carrying that?
I'm making a message for a friend.
Do I know them?
Yes, honey. You know them.
Turn right on third.
Third st revelle ave
what's it say?
Just where to find us.
Why?
Because they need help.
Look at this, dad!
Wow, that's a good looking stick.
It looks like a magic wand.
It does look magic.
- How much further? - We're almost there.
Go left at marmont coming up.
I promise this will all make sense in the end.
Walk to 433 marmont.
You know that I love you very much, right?
I love you too, daddy.
And that I only want what is best for us.
That's why I picked you up today, honey.
Daddy has to go somewhere
and I needed to see you before I left.
Where are you going?
I'm going to a very special place.
But don't worry, you'll come and visit me soon.
Always remember this, Carol,
the person who risks nothing,
has nothing, is nothing,
and becomes nothing.
I don't want you to go.
I know.
But I have to.
We're here.
The front door should be open.
You'll come see me as soon as you're ready.
- I'm ready. - I wish you were.
But I'll miss you.
I'll miss you more than you'll ever know.
Come, we have to go inside.
Here, let daddy carry you.
Why do you have to go?
Be strong for daddy.
We're almost together again.
You are so close now.
What's that picture?
It's called an icon.
It's a symbol of faith.
Okay, honey, will you sit here and wait for daddy?
I have to go talk to that nice lady over there.
You're not going yet, are you?
Not yet.
I just need to talk to the lady.
- Promise? - I promise.
Okay.
Hey, you're such a strong girl, and I am so proud of you.
I'm here for my appointment, to speak with you.
Thank you.
Once I go,
will you make sure that she's taken care of?
Dad! Dad!
I'm sorry.
Daddy! Daddy!
It wasn't my choice, Carol.
You...
You only get once chance to meet him,
to visit this place.
That's why I made this for you,
and I pray that it found you,
so that you may find me.
I'll be so happy to see you again.
It will have been so long.
Dad?
Mom
daddy?
Hello, baby.
I'm here for you.
-I'm so happy that you came. -Dad!
Daddy loves you so much, Carol.
I'm so proud of you.
If you have come, and you have found me, then you are here.
-You're finally here... -Daddy, it's me.
...in this room,
-of your own free will. -Please, daddy.
Oh, Carol, that means that you, and I, can be together again.
Together.
To my dear father
happy father's day
written and directed by Anthony Scott burns
hi, is this Shelby?
Yeah, you responded to my ad online.
My name's Ian. How are you?
Pussy haver
where are you from, by the way?
Des moines! Oh, fuck.
You probably want to get out of there so badly.
Yeah, so come to la.
No, it's not porn. It's webcam.
It's honestly exactly like facetime.
You probably already do the same shit with your boyfriends.
Except now, you can get paid while you do it. Large.
Discount candy 3 for $1
last week one of the girls made eight grand.
How's it sound to you?
Good? Oh, that's amazing!
That's amazing! I'm super excited about that.
Haver of pussy
okay, so we'll get everything squared away immediately.
Hi, is this Allison?
Yeah, you responded to my ad online.
Yeah, the webcam stuff.
No, no, no, no, it's nothing like porno.
It's nothing like porno at all.
It's on your webcam. It's pretty much facetime.
I mean, you probably already do the same thing with your boyfriends.
Yeah. It includes a free ticket to the heart of Hollywood.
You'll be set up, staying in a beautiful apartment.
What do you tell your parents?
I don't know. Fuck your parents.
Stirring our cauldron of magic are we!
A witch's power is strongest in threes.
Like, what the fuck are these bitches cooking, man?
They're not cooking.
That's a cauldron. They're actually casting spells.
I just had a fucking asshole.
What happened?
He was writing all this shit that he wanted to do to me.
I will cum in ur face bb show me ur asshole
- -and then when he signed off...
Ur a pig u fucking whore
...he called me a whore!
Aw, serenes. I'm so sorry.
Man, what a fucking fuckhole, man.
You got his credit card number, right?
- So, fuck this asshole, let's go shopping.
I can e-mail you a ticket right away, Allison.
Your boyfriend? Ah, fuck him.
No, you'll be treated like a queen here. I promise.
Okay. Bye now.
The fuck is this?
Nobody's working?
Nobody's calling.
It's Halloween. Everyone's out partying.
Except us.
Aw. That's sad.
Trick or treat, skank.
Did you scrape that shit out yet?
I want to eat my hot pockets.
Can I have one of your hot pockets?
I gave you your dinner.
Fuck your three for a dollar discount shit.
What's wrong with name brand candy,
you ever heard of Hersheys?
Yeah, I heard of hershey.
Hersheys is what my grandmother used to say, is for ladies.
I added this part. Discount stuff is for whores.
Whores!
What is wrong with this girl?
Some cam asshole called her a whore and then signed off.
They're supposed to type dirty shit.
That's why they give us their money.
Okay, well nobody's giving us their money tonight.
Yeah, so why don't you give us the night off
so we can cheer Serena up and celebrate Halloween?
Okay.
Oh no, wait. Wait.
I meant to say, fuck no.
Don't be a dick, Ian.
No, fuck you, Holly. I'm sick of your shit.
I'm sick of all of your shits, okay?
I just got off the phone with two...
Two. Count 'em. Two cam girls.
Oh, yeah. They want to come to Hollywood, and work for me.
So, a.B.C.
Ian's rules
1) Abc - always be caming
always be camming, bitches.
'Cause the next generation's coming,
and they're going to replace you.
Just like you replaced the whores before you.
Stop saying "whores"!
No! I'll say "whores" if I want to say "whores"!
I'll say "whores" if I want.
Now you got me irritated.
And since it's such a slow night,
why don't I put one of you sluts to work?
Hmm, how does that sound?
So who's it going to be?
One of you girls is going to show me your pussy.
No.
We're not girls, Ian. We're women.
I was a girl when I got here,
but after working for you for eight fucking months,
now I'm sad to say, I'm a woman.
I'm the oldest 18-year old woman I know.
All because I made a big mistake in coming here.
But you know what?
The more I think about it, the more I realize
I'm not the only one that made the mistake, Ian.
You made a big mistake.
Wanna know why?
Because you put three women in a room together.
Do you know what three women in a room together
used to be called?
A coven.
You got that?
Witches.
And the power of witches is always strongest in threes.
- You fuck.
Oh.
Witches, now?
Witches. Okay.
Well, which witch is going to ride this broomstick?
Yeah.
-This one. -No.
-Yes. -No!
Yes!
No! I don't wanna!
Well, you're gonna!
Oh. What the fuck?
Ow!
Oh, you fucking bitch.
The fuck is this shit?
Ow!
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck?
What the fuck.
- What the fuck.
What the fuck.
You feel that, Ian? We stuck a vibrator up your ass.
And super-glued your asshole shut. And hooked the vibrator up
to a car battery.
What the fuck?
Smelly work, but it was worth it!
So we can do this...
Ow.
If you try pull it out again
what the fuck!
We'll crank it up higher. Like this...
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Now...
Ah.
What the fuck do you want?
Show us your pussy.
What? What the fuck!
Show us your pussy now!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Okay!
There!
You made your point, take your fucking pictures!
Show us your pussy, Ian.
What the fuck?
I don't have a pussy!
So make one.
Are you fucking bitches fucked in the head?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
This is fucking insane!
Do it bb. Show us your pussy
or we turn it up! You've been at a 1.
This is a 2.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Okay, Ian - that was just a 2. Of a possible 10.
So, y'know...
Show us your pussy, Ian.
Please don't make me do this. Please.
Use the knife.
I'll pay you. I'll fucking pay you, please!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Then show us your pussy!!!
Okay.
Do it or die, Ian.
What the fuck. What the fuck.
This is fucked up. This is fucked!
Goooooooooooooooooooood!!!
Now....
Make it hollow, Ian.
Fuck you.
Lol
fuck you! Fuck you, bitches!
Lol
what the fuck are you crying about?
Look at all that blood.
This is getting boring.
What happens if we turn this shit up to ten?
--That.
Hi. Is Ian here?
He flew me out from Maine to work.
Uh, I'm Nancy.
Uh. Hello, Nancy. Welcome.
Uh, you're joining us during a period of transition for the company.
As of today, we're actually under new management.
Oh. Well, what happened to Ian?
Unfortunately, Ian is no longer with the company, due to, uh, cutbacks.
Halloween wishes
happy Halloween
written and directed by Kevin Smith
uvu
your imagination come to life!
Uvu shows you you!
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Your kids are going to love that.
Yes, the kids are definitely going to love it.
Yes, wait 'til you put it on your head.
Well, I'll leave that... I'll leave that to the kids.
All right. Hope they enjoy.
-Yup, thank you. -Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Goodnight.
-Hi. -Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
Oh, no, no, no, I called. About the uvu.
That guy got the last one.
What? No. I called.
I'm Pete gunderson. I said I was coming.
First come, first served.
-But you... -Sorry, pal. Holidays are hell.
Fuck.
Yeah, honey. Got the last one.
-Okay, I'll be home in 15. -Excuse me.
-I love you. Bye. -Excuse me, sir? Hi.
Um, look, I'll, I'll...
I'll give you $300 for it.
Yeah, not a chance, pal. Try ebay.
Wait, wait, wait! Please, please.
I'll, I'll, I'll give you, I'll give you 500.
Please, it's Christmas Eve. I'm out of time.
Yeah well, listen, if it was really that important,
you would have gotten here earlier.
Merry Christmas.
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Sara did you get it???
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, um...
I'll call...
Sara please tell me you got it???
Sorry.
I finally had it, and I told ed he was full of shit.
I mean, I deserve that Christmas bonus a hell of a lot more
than that do-nothing, kiss-ass nephew of his.
I swear I could kill him. Scrooge.
What?
Have you not been listening to me?
Ed didn't give me the Christmas bonus that we were counting on.
And with you making less money now...
God. I'm at the end of my rope.
How much was this thing anyway?
I hope you didn't overspend.
Stop.
- Come on.
No.
I still can't believe you got it, dad!
So, you, uh, you just watch stuff on them?
Yeah, it aggregates your online identity
to figure out what to show you.
Congratulations, captain!
You're the first person to walk on Mars.
You've got to try it, dad.
Am I going to see what you saw?
No, it's different for everyone.
- Thank you, daddy.
Thank you, daddy.
It's totally cool, right?
Right. Yeah. Totally.
Wow.
Um, is this the off button?
Please don't punish me, daddy.
I promise i won't be naughty anymore.
Oh, god. Oh, my god.
Um, I'll call. I'll call. I'll call.
Sorry.
What the fuck?
Heart attack, huh?
Yeah. Probably would have made it too, if he got help in time.
Hell of a Christmas gift for his family.
Fucking Christmas.
I hear ya, bro.
--Okay. Bag him up.
We need the fridge space.
Happy holidays!
Hi! Um, it says on your website that um, uh...
Less than one percent of users may experience an, uh,
adverse reaction when using the device?
And I was just, just wondering,
what type of adverse reactions are users experiencing exactly?
Are you having trouble with your device, sir?
Uh, troub... no...
No. I'm not, no... Just wondering.
Well, if you'd like to give me your name and login,
I can check your video feed to see if there's anything abnormal going on.
Uh, you can do that?
That's, no, that's fine. I don't need that. That's not necessary.
Thank you, very much.
Sara?
Where's Bobby?
I sent him to stay with a friend.
You forgot to log out, Pete.
I don't know what that showed you, but...
Everything.
I saw everything.
I just want to know one thing.
Why'd you do it?
Because he had what I wanted,
and I was tired of being nice.
Oh, Pete.
That is the hottest thing you have ever said.
Hey! Everyone's gone. I'm going to go ahead and lock up.
And I made this, just the way you like it.
Oh, ed. You don't look so good.
I hope you aren't afraid of the dark, ed.
Should've given me that bonus, ed.
Mmm.
This is what happens to scrooges like you.
Ain't the holidays hell?
Uvu uvu shows you you!
Pete, you awake?
Remember he is watching
merry Christmas
written and directed by Scott Stewart
sweet memories
choo-choo chose me!
My bunny
I didn't want to have to do this.
You know, i kept pushing it off.
Trick or treat
I didn't want to ruin another holiday.
I wanted to pretend like everything was okay.
Merry merry!
But you...
You.
I mean I thought that when you...
When you got to know me...
You know, when you saw the real me, that you'd...
Ah, never mind.
Tonight at midnight,
I want to kiss someone who makes me feel
like I can take the tape off their lips.
God damn it.
Sorry about that. Let me try that again.
Jesus Christ.
Mandy. Mandy.
Hey.
Reggief
can't be worse than the last one.
How is it?
They're great. They're the best chicken fingers.
They, they bread them with frosted flakes.
My mom didn't let me eat sugary cereal.
You know, rots your teeth.
My teeth aren't rotten.
You, you must brush a lot.
-Do you brush a lot? -I don't know. I guess so.
Let me see 'em.
What?
Let me see those pearly whites.
I bet they sparkle.
- Let me see those choppers, come on.
Yeah. I knew it.
You have great teeth.
That was... that was...
I'm sorry.
That was, um, it's just the nerves.
That's the problem with these first dates, you know.
If people got to know the real me,
you know, they would love me.
But, you know, they never get to meet me.
You know, because it's just...
Because the, the nerve monster just rears its ugly head.
Most guys I date online just want to hook up.
One and done.
They act like I'm crazy for wanting something more lasting.
Right?
You know people say that those dating websites are bullshit
but I mean, 96 percent?
I mean, like, that's an all-time high for me.
I mean my last girlfriend was like an 84 percent and, you know,
yeah, no surprise that didn't, that didn't turn out.
Mmm. What happened?
She, um... I had to...
I had to end it.
Tsk. It was for the best.
Mmm.
Sorry.
You are so much hotter than she was.
I mean, uh... uh...
Prettier.
Should we get the check?
I'm sorry.
-For what? -For calling you hot.
Why would you apologize for that?
Because it made me sound all pervy.
Like I was trying to hook up with you.
You know.
And I know you don't like that on a first date.
It's new year's Eve.
I'd have to be the most unromantic gal in the world
to want to go home to a lonely apartment.
Yup.
Do you want to go back to my place and watch the ball drop?
-Can I take your jacket? -Yeah.
Uh, whoa. Whoa!
Should I not?
Uh, no. It's just. Uh... I need to use the restroom.
You know, I just... I want to freshen up.
Okay. Great idea. Down the hall to the right.
Ryan - Kyle
Peter - John - Reggie
uh! No, no, no, no, no.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
Live from Times Square new year's celebration
one!
Happy new year!
Happy new year
feliz ano nuevo, carino.
A happy new year to you all
happy new year's
directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer
written by Kevin kolsch & Dennis widmyer