Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
It's an Amazon special, it deserves more than that.
Come on!
Alright!
The show is called Anatomy of Awkward.
I'm an awkward,
slightly socially awkward person.
Now I realize there is a little bit of
irony in that statement,
okay, because I am also a stand-up comedian.
I do this for a living.
Night after night,
I talk to random strangers
but I'm also awkward.
But I’ll tell you how it works,
I can do one to many.
One to many,
no problem.
Done.
Problem is when it's one to one.
Just breaks down.
I can't do it.
I researched it,
there's an actual term for this.
There's a clinical, psychological term for this,
you guys must have heard it,
it's called the Tendulkar Syndrome.
You know what it is, right?
Professionally,
Sachin Tendulkar is super confident.
He is so confident
that he can stand in the middle of the pitch
and do...
A billion people are watching,
and this guy is doing...
Friends and family!
"Aila!"
But he can do it,
he can do this
and still play and score.
It's amazing.
But have you seen Sachin personally?
He's so awkward,
so awkward.
I saw this one picture of Sachin,
he's with his family.
There's a picture in the newspaper,
Sachin with his family.
He is the only guy who looks like he doesn't belong
in his own family.
In his own family.
His wife and kids are standing
together.
Sachin is standing to the side,
looking at them.
In his head he's going
"Mine!”
“They are all mine.”
I saw a picture of Sachin
in the paper,
he was sitting in his Ferrari.
The only guy who owns a Ferrari
and can't believe it.
He can't believe it.
He is sitting in like this.
“Mine.”
“This too.”
It's amazing, that's who I am.
Professionally, can do this,
personally, not so much.
I want to be a confident guy.
I want to be that
guy at the bar.
Do you know the guy at the bar?
That guy, dude.
That suave guy.
That guy with his tuxedo and his bowtie,
just sitting at the bar.
He's just sitting,
and then across the bar
he sees a beautiful woman.
She's also sitting
and he sees her,
and he goes,
"Waiter.”
"Get her a drink."
And the waiter immediately gets her a drink.
He doesn't ask questions.
He doesn't go “Which one?”
"Shall I add it to your tab?"
He doesn't, he knows.
This is the guy, he knows.
So he makes the drink and he
gives it to the girl.
The girl sees the drink and she's like,
"Oh my God, a drink!"
"Who sent this?"
And the waiter says
"That guy."
And then she looks
and he's just sitting there.
Smoldering.
I don't know what smolder is.
He's smoldering.
She sees him,
and she instantly goes
sploosh!
Sploosh!
She looks at him,
"Oh my God!"
and he's looking back.
He picks up his glass and he does...
Then he puts his glass down.
Takes out his hotel keys
and throws it at her,
and it hits her in the face,
but she doesn't care.
She's like "Oh my God, he's a violent guy."
"I like that."
"51 Shades of Grey."
"Yeah."
And then they go home together,
or wherever.
Wherever they make out.
It could never work out with me.
I would land up at the bar and the
bouncer would go like,
"Stag entry not allowed."
I'd be like "Okay!"
I want to be that guy I'm not.
I'm a super awkward guy.
I'll tell you what my life is like,
My life is like a missed high-five.
It's like I went "Hey life!"
And life just left me hanging.
Here's the thing,
have you ever been in a situation where
you're in a taxi,
and the guy is driving a little too fast.
A little too much.
You want to ask him to slow down a little.
Just a little slower please.
I want to tell him this,
but I can't,
because it would be too awkward.
So in my head I'm like, "This is how I die."
Death is better than asking him to slow down.
I can't do it.
I was on a plane once.
I've got the emergency exit seat,
the best seat on the plane.
I'm sitting there and enjoying my leg space,
it's amazing.
And then the air hostess comes to me and says,
"Sir, in case of an emergency"
"will you pull the hatch?"
"I don’t know,"
"because sometimes I push doors"
"that say pull."
"Anything can happen."
"We'll find out."
I hate it.
I'll tell you what I hate the most.
Out of all the things in the world,
the thing I hate the most
is this thing called the party.
I hate parties.
Here's the thing.
Firstly, we don't make plans.
The social people make plans.
Awkward people don't make plans.
Awkward people call other awkward people
to not make plans.
We're calling each other up, going
"Let's not meet today?"
"Cool."
"Superb, don't see you later."
But those social people.
"Hey, it's my friend's dog's birthday, do you want to come?"
"He's turning 2."
"You'll like him."
We can't say no
because that's awkward.
So we're like "Yes, sure..."
Then you regret all your life decisions
that led to this point.
"Why did my parents have sex?"
"Why am I here?"
So we go for the party and it sucks
because here's the thing.
The beginning of every party
starts with this thing called the handshake.
Yuck!
The handshake.
The handshake used to be fine,
it used to be this thing
where you just gave your hand,
they took your hand,
and you shook it.
Then people became cool.
Have you seen those cool people handshakes?
Those 9 days of Navratri they play
before saying hi.
That full body workout they do.
You give your hand and they go like...
"Sup?"
Times like these I love Indian culture.
"Namaste, no hands."
Every time I meet a new person,
I get nervous
and when I get nervous I start sweating,
from my hands.
Eww is the right response.
Thanks for sitting right there and going "Eww"
"Screw your life."
"Get me the bag."
It's true, it's a problem,
I have a thing.
My hand starts sweating and then I have to meet someone,
I have to think 10 times before shaking their hands.
So every time I meet a new person,
I have to do something called the Ishant Sharma.
Have you heard of the Ishant Sharma?
It's when you go...
Or the Anil Kumble where you go.
Three cricket fans and everybody else is like...
"What's there at the back?"
Eww!
The most awkward thing for me at parties
are my hands.
What do you do with them?
I don't know where to place them,
so awkward.
So awkward...
You can't stand straight at a party,
you can't be like...
Because if you're standing like this,
you might as well salute at them
as they walk past.
Your car has been washed, sir.
“Peeno colada.”
You can't stand like this at a party
because people don't like eve teasers at their party.
This is party guest,
eve-teaser.
Party guest.
That's how close.
Coolest thing I have done with my hands at parties is
I have put them in my pockets.
The second coolest thing I have done with my hands is
I've held a phone in them.
Have you been at parties
and checked that holy trinity of apps
and nobody contacts you.
Let's see what's happening on Twitter!
Karni Sena-got it!
Let's see what's happening on Facebook!
Nothing.
Let's see what's happening on Instagram?
I lost a follower, damn!
I have spent an entire party,
an entire party,
just unlocking my phone.
Just looking at it and going,
"What an amazing pattern!"
"Look at this Van Gogh!"
Here's the thing,
The parties I hate the most
are those fancy parties.
The parties where there are people with platters of shit
wandering around,
just oppression
with a platter.
I go to these parties and I stand there,
I'm a human being, I get hungry.
So I go "Excuse me, can I have the fish tikka?"
The guy comes, I take the fish tikka,
I eat the fish tikka, the guy leaves.
What do you do with a toothpick?
Why does it never have a place to just dump it?
It's never there. They never think of it. It's just there.
Five minutes later, you get hungry again because
you're a human being.
Can I have some more?
You eat the fish tikka and the guy leaves
and now you've got two.
Dude, at the end of the party,
I've so many toothpicks.
Why does a rainforest have to go down
because I want fish tikka?
What is happening?
Here's what I do alright, and feel free to use this.
It's my gift to you, alright.
Here's what I do.
Next time you're at a party,
just drop the toothpicks one by one,
when nobody is looking.
Just walk around going like,
mix it up,
and it works fine.
Totally works,
until someone sees it.
They go "What the hell is this Hansel and Gretel crap?"
"Where is this going?"
"The hell?"
"Who is this guy?"
"Why does he have all the fish tikka?"
And it still works out
because they never call you back for a party.
"Should we call Kautuk?"
"The fish tikka guy? No."
"Please avoid."
But I realize man, I realize,
I'm not dumb.
I realize.
Awkwardness is a very first world problem.
There's people outside who have real problems.
We live in India dude, there are real problems.
There are people who don't have food, they don't have shelter.
My problem is I can't talk at parties.
That's my problem,
but I realise why it is because
I have a great life.
My life is very sorted. Very sorted.
I have a house, I have money.
My parents love me, it's great,
and that's when I realized.
It's only when you're done with security
that you're left with insecurity.
So I have told you how
awkwardness can happen
one on one, right?
Person to person,
inter personally,
but
awkwardness can also happen to
entire bunches of people together,
at once.
Entire societies
can get awkward
together.
I'll give you an example-
Feminism has made men in this country
super awkward.
I can hear you laughing,
awkwardly.
"He's right."
It's made us super awkward because
you only get awkward when something unfamiliar happens
and feminism is very unfamiliar to most of us
because as men we knew the script.
It was super simple.
We knew the script.
You know what the script was-
You ask a girl out, she says yes,
you marry her, have kids, done.
If she says no,
you stalk her,
then you marry her, then you have kids, done.
Simple. We knew the script.
Suddenly, feminism happened
and every man is like,
"What do we do now?"
"This is out of syllabus."
"Do you have classes for this?"
It's made us super awkward.
Like just look at a man on a first date.
So awkward.
So awkward, he doesn't know what to do.
He wants to
open the door for you,
but he doesn't know what this is.
Is it chivalry?
Is it patriarchy?
Chivalry? Patriarchy?
No idea!
You should see them at a revolving door.
They're like "Oh damn!"
Watch them at the end of a date.
You know, the bill comes.
You want to pay?
I'll pay?
50-50?
No idea!
The most awkward thing
feminism has done is this,
I'll tell you.
Feminists,
women,
anyone with a brain,
want us, men,
to call out our bestfriends
when they say something sexist.
I'm like "No."
"Do you know how awkward would it be?"
How am I going to tell him
to stop doing the one thing
we bonded over
before feminism happened to us?
How am I going to look him in the eyes
and ask him to stop rating women based on their butts?
Doesn't look good.
I can't do it.
So I found a way around it.
Here's what I do-
I out-awkward them.
Here's how you do it.
So you go out with your friends
and you wait for your friend to say something sexist.
It will happen, in the middle of the road he'll be like
These girls no, they can't drive.
Gear and clutch, how they will do?
That's when you go,
"I agree with you,"
"I think we should kill them all."
"No but clutch..."
"No, I think you're on to something."
"Here's what we should do,"
"We need to do female infanticide,"
"so we don't have to do"
"honor killing later."
"It's just efficient."
"But I just had a problem with parallel parking..."
"Bro, why would you go that far?"
That's when you go,
"Then why go at all?"
"I mean if you're taking the flight from patriarchy"
"You might as well land at misogyny."
"What is this casual sexism crap?"
It works 100% of the time.
because he never tells you this stuff.
"No, he's crazy."
"Rohan, come here."
"Remember that parallel parking?"
100% of the time.
Dating has become super awkward.
Super duper awkward.
How many of you are dating? Make some noise.
Who's that pathetic?
It's like I asked you guys,
are you arranged dating?
"Yeah, my mom's choice."
"Couldn't find anyone."
Are you guys dating?
What did you compute when I said
"People who are dating make some noise,"
you were like "Maybe I shouldn't."
"Maybe what he means is"
"I should not make some noise."
How long have you guys been dating?
Two and a half,
and two...
How does this always happen?
What did you think you were doing for six months?
Holy crap.
Where did you guys meet?
Workplace, okay.
You're so lucky this worked out for you.
You're so lucky.
You know what they call a failed workplace romance?
Harassment.
That's nice.
I'm dating a person.
She's a girl.
Of the female variety.
I met my
female counterpart
on an app called Tinder.
How many of you are on Tinder? Make some noise.
Screw all of you.
Bunch of liars.
Everyone has it whether they admit it or not.
Wow dude.
Who was the one person? One honest guy.
I met her on Tinder,
and it wasn't one of those
cheap,
you know the...
it wasn't.
It was very beautiful,
very poetic, very romantic, it was.
Apparently, nobody had tinder,
but everybody understood!
The math is not equating.
What is happening?
It was a superlike.
It was like "I'm all yours, baby."
Very beautiful.
So we matched.
We started talking
and within 15 lines
I knew she was special.
I knew it.
Hear the story.
Maybe your opinion might change.
I knew she was special.
So I,
I sent her a message.
I said
"Listen, I know it's a little fast,"
"but do you want to meet?"
Longest five minutes of my life.
Finally,
she sends a message back saying,
"Sure, why not?"
And I was like, "Oh my god!"
"This works!"
So I sent her a message back saying,
"Hey, are you a guy?"
You have to check.
So she sends me a selfie,
I verified it, let's go.
We met at this place called Doolally.
What do you work there?
We went to a place called Doolally.
Doolally's a beer place
in Andheri.
We went there and we had beers
and I talked and she talked,
and I listened, and she listened.
This is... sparks.
At the end of the night,
the bill came,
and the waiter is like,
"Sir, I have divided it."
"Don't make this awkward."
"We see people like this everyday."
"It's our gift to you."
"Promise us,"
"that you will mention our name"
"when you do your Amazon special."
So I was like, "Thanks waiter."
Then I decided to walk her back home.
She lives in a place called Juhu.
Thanks.
I'm assuming you live there,
because if you didn't,
that would be an odd thing to cheer for.
"But I live in Mahim."
I just like how 'woohoo' sounds
So I also go “woohoo!”
So we walked alright.
It's a 2.5 km walk.
That's how much I liked her.
Yeah.
We walked and we reached
Juhu circle.
I turned to her and said
these amazingly romantic words,
"Will you cross the road and get home”
"so I can take a rickshaw and leave?"
She turns to me and she says,
"You walked 2.5 km.”
"You can't cross the road?"
“It’s fare point but"
"the rickshaw guy won't agree to turn around."
She was like,
"You're a smart man also."
"You think of the future, I like that."
She didn't say that,
I saw it in her eyes.
It’s a very distinct emotion.
So I got in the rickshaw and I left.
I'm sitting in the rickshaw,
and I'm having these amazingly happy thoughts.
I like her, she likes me.
This might go somewhere,
I won't have to watch porn, this is beautiful,
and then
I get a tweet on my phone.
I'm like "Oh wow, a tweet."
"This day could not get better."
I open the tweet,
and it says, "Hi,"
"this is Siddhi's brother."
She hasn't gotten back home yet.
"Where did you leave her?"
Question mark.
There is a Hindi phrase
about crapping your pants.
My anus exploded.
Even the driver turned around and he’s like,
“What happened ? Did the cylinder explode? “
Because here are my expectations of a first date-
at best, it should be sex.
At worst, it should not be
a missing person's complaint.
This is all I want from life. Basic.
Like any normal guy, I sent him a tweet back saying,
"Hey bro, please follow me back."
So he followed me back.
We opened a chat,
separate DM thing.
"Hey bro, what's up?"
He was, "You know what's up."
I was like,
"Okay, we'll cut to the chase."
He's like, "Try her number, it's unavailable."
So I said, "If you know that, why should I...?"
But I tried it anyway.
And it was unavailable, he was right.
He's a very truthful guy.
So,
I sent, "You're right."
He's like, "Dude, what happened?"
"I don't know."
I was in the rickshaw.
Now I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
Because God forbid,
if something happened to her,
this would become a police case,
and then my parents
would find out I am on Tinder.
I'm not proud of it, but that was my first thought.
And if this became a police case,
they would interrogate me.
What did I know? I just met her one time.
All I knew was her Tinder bio.
They'd be asking about the girl,
and all I'd know is that she was a graphic designer,
a cat lady,
and not here for…
hook-ups."
Then he'd ask his men about hook ups.
And they'd be like,
"When this happens… then this happens..."
So I'm thinking back to the scene of crime.
When I left in that rickshaw,
I leaned out of it like a cheesy guy,
"Bye!"
Like a 90's Shah Rukh Khan,
"Bye!"
When I was doing this,
I distinctly remember,
seeing a white Omni
coming up from behind her.
Switched off phone
plus white Omni equals to
one thing and one thing only.
This was a kidnapping.
I was about to text her brother,
"Bro, don't worry, it's just a kidnapping,"
"just pay the ransom, don't tell the police, it will be fine."
About to hit send,
when he sends a message back saying,
"Bro, she got back home."
"Her phone battery had died."
Was about to text him saying,
"Bro, next time wait 15 minutes,"
“Idiot."
But I liked her,
So I backspaced, backspaced, backspaced
Lololol.
Smiley face.
But dude, for 15 minutes,
I was messed up.
For 15 minutes,
I din't know what to do
because I was freaking out.
For 15 minutes,
I was like if something happens to her,
what will I do?
I'll wait 15 minutes
and then I'll be back on Tinder.
A year later, I’d get a match.
We'd start talking,
we’d get past all that bullcrap.
You know the pointless conversation.
"So what is your favorite color?"
"What is your star sign?"
"SSC or ICSE?"
Just that crap...
Finally, she’d be like,
"So what brings you to Tinder?"
I'd be, "Funny you asked!"
"The last girl I was dating,"
"she got kidnapped."
"But what are your hobbies?"
"Keep it casual."
We've been dating for a while now.
It's been almost two years.
Again, I can't believe.
What is it?
You can't believe that I am doing it?
Or you can't believe this happens from Tinder?
Or what?
We've been dating for a while and
it's a great relationship.
We've only one problem
that problem is that we have no place
to make out.
I'm assuming if you're laughing you have the same problem.
We have no place to make out because
I live with my parents.
My life's greatest ambition is
to see them take a holiday.
Have you seen Matheran? Come on.
Just leave.
One day please.
15 minutes?
They never leave!
Just sitting there like
furniture.
Things have gotten so bad,
we've gone all the way to Borivali National Park
to make out.
Do you know how desperate you have to be
to be okay
with being eaten alive by a leopard
for 10 minutes of making out?
10 minutes!
And we've gone there so often,
so often.
And we haven't seen a single leopard.
Not one leopard,
because even the leopard's like,
"Go for it, bro."
"You need this more."
"I'll sleep empty stomach, but don't you stop."
"And I'm the animal!"
I make out like a beast.
That specific sound.
How many of you have made out in lifts?
Make some noise.
Nice.
I like you guys.
Schindler's Lift, yeah.
Lifts are amazing, okay.
If you are in a relationship
and you want to make out in lifts.
I will give you one word of advice,
Don't make out in the
grilled ones.
Because one-
They can see you,
and two If you leave the door
a little open,
then that lady starts screaming,
"Please shut the door, please shut the door."
And then Beethoven plays for 35 minutes.
I just reduced the legend to...
Beethoven!
We made out in taxis.
Taxis anybody?
Rickshaws?
Same guys.
That Venn diagram is a complete overlap.
We've done taxis.
I've made out in taxi
till the point,
where I've seen the taxi driver
turn his rear view mirror
to a part that's not looking at the road.
And I'm like "Screw it."
In fact, we’ve made out in taxis so often,
that if, hypothetically,
we ever get a house,
I need a taxi driver,
also just,
in the room, looking at the mirror.
"Madam, it won't go."
That was a double fare.
How many of you have made out in theatres?
Why is it the same demographic? What is...?
Why are the rest of lying?
What is happening?
Screw off,
if you have not made out in theatres.
Screw you, you're lying and I know it.
I'll tell you how I know it.
It's because there is a reason DDLJ
is running for 25 years.
It's not the plot.
It's the morning show.
I've made out in theatres.
I’m a Theatre connoisseur.
Theatre make out-er.
I'll tell you how you know
that you've made out extensively in theatres.
I've seen movies
that nobody else has seen.
I have seen a movie called,
"Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se."
How many of you have seen it?
Make some noise.
All the make outting couples.
That movie for those of you not aware
is the perfect make out movie.
Because firstly, it had Abhishek Bachchan in it,
so nobody in the theater.
Secondly,
it was an Ashutosh Gowarikar film.
That film was so long,
you buy one movie ticket,
you get 2 days 1 night free.
And I enjoyed the movie!
I think that you only know
that you love someone
when you travel with them.
Till then, you only
think you love them.
You don't know for sure.
Because when you travel with them,
their whole personality comes out.
Seven colors of rainbow.
Then you look at them and go
"Damn,"
"I didn't see this color before."
"Am I okay with it?"
"Yeah..."
Then you love...
So my girlfriend and I, we
we went for a trip last year.
We travelled together for the first time.
We went to Jaipur for the Lit Fest.
Because Siddhi and I, both love books,
and the Lit Fest is the Mecca
for book lovers.
And mostly because we wanted
a hotel room together.
I'll be honest.
Books are nice but...
So we went,
and our trip got off to the
best possible start.
Our Jet Airways flight was delayed
by an hour and a half.
Delayed.
But Jet Airways doesn't like to tell you this.
They're like, "You guess."
They hate telling you.
But then because
apparently you have this ticket thing
and you have a flight thing
so they have to tell you.
They have to.
It's a thing they have to get through.
So they send this guy out to tell you the news.
Now this is not just any guy.
This guy
is a professional bad news giver.
This guy gives bad news
for fun.
He just tells you stuff like
"How are you dating?"
"You have a goatee. What's wrong with you?"
And then you get angry, and you yell at him
and he just soaks up your anger.
"Yeah, I can take it."
"Come on."
He is like the Mohd. Ali of emotional abuse.
You get angry and this dude
just soaks it up.
He is like the opposite of Raghu from Roadies.
So he comes out, he trots out and
he looks at us, 100 of us are waiting.
He looks at us and he goes,
"The flight is delayed."
This is the international symbol for
"What the hell are you going to do?"
Delayed.
So we are all waiting
for someone to say something.
Come on,
somebody should speak up.
Finally,
one uncle steps forward.
One uncle,
full uncle.
His T-shirt is tucked in.
His jeans are till here.
He’s got his specs in his
pocket,
and his jogging shoes,
and his judgement of youths.
Ruining our culture.
He's got the whole package.
He comes out
and he starts yelling at this dude.
He just yells
and he yells and he yells,
and it's amazing.
And I'm standing right beside him
like a complete coward.
Just nodding along.
Just egging him on in my head.
"Come on uncle,"
"take out all your frustration."
"Come on."
"Remember how your daughter talks back to you."
"Come on."
"Remember how all your friends are doing better than you."
"Come on."
"Remember how you were 22 and you thought"
"you could chase the world but now you're 45"
"and part of it? Come on!"
"Come on."
Uncle's going for it.
He is...
And the guy behind the counter,
he is just saying two words.
Two words.
He is looking at uncle
and he is going,
"I understand."
"I understand"
"I understand, sir."
"I understand."
"Sir, I am not in charge of the weather"
"but I understand."
"I understand, sir."
"I am just Ajit from Jet Airways,"
"but I understand, sir."
"Sir, I only get Rs. 25,000 for this"
"but I understand, sir."
"I understand."
That's when I realized,
the more a person says, "I understand."
The less...
Not computing only.
Just...
So finally uncle died.
Severe cardiac arrest.
He was writhing on the floor.
"I understand, sir."
"You're dying, it's fine."
That's the last thing he heard,
"I understand."
That's what life is like.
The plane comes eventually.
We can't do anything.
The plane comes when it has to.
We board the plane and we went to Jaipur.
Plane lands in Jaipur.
So my girlfriend and I,
we go to the baggage belt.
Now, I don't know what the law at the airport is
but your bags come last.
That's how that works.
Everyone's bags come,
and everyone's bags go
and your bags come last.
Even the shabby bags,
the bags with underwear spilling out of it.
Some shabby man will come and pick it up
and shamble off,
and you're like, "What the hell?"
So we're standing there, and
and then the baggage belt stops,
and our bags weren't on them.
I look at my girlfriend.
"Wow, Jet Airways has outdone themselves."
"New record."
"It's called Not - There."
So we find a Jet Airways guy.
"Come here for a second."
"Where are our bags?"
And here's what he says.
"Sir, what bags?"
"The kind of bags you put on"
"plane kind of bags."
He goes "Oh yes, what about it?"
"It's not here."
"Oh, I'll just check. One minute sir."
He goes onto a thing,
he goes into a room, comes out,
five minutes later and he's like
"Sir, good news."
"We have located your bags."
I was like "Awesome, where are they?"
He says "Sir, in Mumbai."
"This is not how this should work."
He's like "I understand, sir."
I am like "Why are they in Mumbai?"
He says,
"Sir, did you has power bank in bag?"
My girlfriend and I both has power bank in bag.
So we said "Yes, we has them."
"Sir, it's not allow."
"What do you mean it's not allow?"
"Sir, they is explode."
"Then how are you supposed to bring them?"
"Sir, in hand baggage."
"What is your plan exactly?"
"Do you want just the front part to explode?"
He says "Sir, I'm just Ajit from Jet Airways."
"Please."
"Okay, what do we do?"
He says,
"Sir, send us an email,"
"say that you can break the lock,"
"take out the power bank, send the bag."
"Awesome, we'll do that."
So we sent an email right in front of him.
"When will we get our bags?"
He says,
"Mother swear, tomorrow morning it is coming."
"Mother swear, God swear, tomorrow."
"Morning, it come, you come, will there..."
"Fine, we'll come back"
"tomorrow morning, we should have our bags."
"Yeah yeah, 100%."
He left.
We went to our hotel in Jaipur,
another ordeal.
Have you ever tried to check in
into hotel as an unmarried couple?
Such a good experience.
You're really missing out.
Book an OYO room right now.
It's a wonderful thing.
Here's what they do at a hotel
when you're an unmarried couple.
They put the most judgemental guy
at the reception.
He's just judge max.
It's like your grandmother
but as a receptionist.
It's like going through immigration.
He's like,
"So what's the purpose of your visit?"
"Tell me."
And you're like, "What do you think is going to happen?"
"Carrom."
So
we're like,
"I don't have bags,"
"please let us in."
"Yeah sure sure."
We go to sleep in the same clothes.
We wake up the next morning,
in the same clothes,
and we go to Jet Airways,
in the same clothes,
and we stand at the counter,
we look at the guy and we said,
"Jet Airways,"
"where are our bags?"
And Jet Airways said,
"Sir, what bags?"
Alright, we'll tell you.
So we told him the whole story,
and he says,
"Sir, I will just check. One minute, sir."
"Give me one minute. Just check."
And he goes on his computer,
and he pretends to do some shit,
he's like..."Gmail..."
"Facebook..."
"Sir,"
"your bags are not here."
"Where are they?"
"Sir, in Mumbai."
"Why are they in Mumbai?"
"Sir, they are coming by night flight."
"What does it mean?"
"Sir, it's coming at night,"
"by flight, at night."
"I know what that means."
"Then why asking?"
"But you said this morning."
"No, it's coming by night flight."
"Then what are we supposed to do?"
He looks at us and he says,
"Sir,"
"go see Jaipur."
How bad does your service have to be
that it also
propagates tourism?
There's nothing we could do, so we saw Jaipur.
Beautiful place.
Really nice.
In the night,
we come back to the airport,
in the same clothes.
We stand
at the Jet Airways counter,
in the same clothes,
and we look at the guy
in the same clothes
and we told him
"Jet Airways,"
"where are our bags?"
and Jet Airways said,
"Sir, what bags?"
Firstly, how many of you are there?
And why aren't you talking to each other?
What is happening?
So we told him the whole story.
"Sir, just one minute, I will check."
"One minute, sir. I will just check, just check."
He opens his computer, he pretends to look...
"Xvideos… Youporn..."
"Sir your bags not here."
"No shit."
"Are they in Mumbai?"
"Sir, very good guess."
"You should try astrology."
"Very nice."
"10 on 10."
I don't know why it's Sachin saying that.
My girlfriend looks at him and
she says
"When will we get the bags?"
And he says,
"Ma'am,"
"within 7-8 business days."
We were in Jaipur for 4.
There is a good chance that
we'd reach Mumbai
and they would send our bags to Jaipur,
and then we'd go to Mumbai airport.
"Jet Airways, where are our bags?" They'd say "What bags?"
And this would keep happening,
until we died in the same underwear.
So my girlfriend decides to try sarcasm
cause nothing else has worked.
So she looks at him and she says,
"Fine,"
"you know what we'll do?"
"We'll just go to Mumbai"
"and pick up our bags"
"from the airport."
And here's what he says.
He says,
"Yeah, that's a good idea."
Now I lose it,
and I've never lost it.
Look at me, I'm a
I'm a very non-confrontational guy.
I don't know if you can tell.
I'm a very,
like if there's a confrontation,
I'm not.
It doesn't happen.
I don't like it.
If I was in the movie 300,
it would be called 299.
I'm in awe of people
who know how to get angry.
Some people really know
how to get angry.
They know it.
It's a beautiful thing to watch.
It's like poetry.
I'll give you an example.
One time, I came outside Lower Parel station,
and two guys were fighting.
Oh my god, this is amazing.
I must watch it.
So I stood on the outermost concentric circle.
"Come on uncle."
Here's what happened,
these two guys were fighting
and one guy turns to other guy.
True story, he turns to other guy
and he says,
"Your mother has a vagina."
Immediately, the other guy goes,
"Doesn't your mom have one?"
Firstly, how did you do that
that fast?
Were you practicing at home?
Looking in the mirror "Doesn't your...?"
Secondly, look at what this guy has done.
This guy has taken a
sexual slur
and he's made it an
anatomical observation.
He's just gone like
"Yes, my mother has a vagina."
"In fact,"
"everybody's mother has a vagina."
"In fact,"
"your mother is weird if she doesn't have one."
And the guy was like
"Oh yeah, that's a really good point."
"I withdraw."
"You're absolutely right."
"Good on you, jolly old chap."
It's beautiful,
it's like this guy had said
"Your mother's liver,"
"Yes, what about it?”
"Do you want to just keep naming things?"
"Your mother's eyes,"
"toes..."
I want that.
I want this skill.
I don't have this.
I don't know how to get angry.
So I am standing at the Jet Airways window
trying to get angry.
The operative word is
trying.
I am looking at the thing and I am going like
"No,"
"you cannot do this!"
"We're customer."
"We're passenger."
"I have Twitter."
I said this,this came out of my mouth.
"I have Twitter."
Because it was 2017,
and in 2017,
you don't give people threats.
You give them threads.
You give them
10 tweets all linked together,
with words like blasphemous,
and abominable and hashtag.
I told him this,
and here's what he said,
"Sir, I'm not on Twitter."
"Do what you want."
I said "I'll bring down your whole company."
"Your whole company I'll bring down."
And he said "Sir,"
"open Twitter right now."
"Type @jetairways."
"There's 8000 people just like you."
It's true.
Go home,
type @jetairways,
there's 8000 people.
Just going like "Jet Airways, where is my bags?"
"Where is my plane?"
"What's happening?"
"Where is my life?"
And Jet Airways is going "I understand."
"Yes. I understand."
They don't care.
So I'm standing at the window,
and I'm yelling.
Finally, my girlfriend taps me on the shoulder,
she's like "Come come, I know you're a man. Let's go."
In my head, "That's why I was doing this,"
"let's go."
We left.
And we were like, "You know what, screw it."
Let's just buy clothes and
let's just see whatever is left of the Lit Fest,
and then we go home.
We go to the Lit Fest,
and it sucked.
It sucked,
and I'll tell you why,
because Delhi buoys
have discovered the Lit Fest.
Not Delhi boys,
Delhi buoys.
Dudes who think they are amplifiers
and girls are woofers.
They have discovered the Lit Fest.
They don't know what to do with it but they are there.
Just there.
I'll tell you how I know.
There were two lines at the Lit Fest.
Two lines.
Over here is sitting
a world famous author called Richard Flanagan.
He is a Booker Prize winner.
He is an amazing author.
Sitting there, legend in the flesh.
Signing books,
and right next to him
is a Keventers milkshake stall.
Guess where there are more people?
People are queuing for a Mint Oreo at the Lit Fest.
We saw the Lit Fest,
We took the flight back.
We came to Bombay,
and we go to Jet Airways.
I was like "Jet Airways,"
"where are our bags?"
And Jet Airways said,
"What bags?"
And we were like,
"No. You can't do this."
"Where are our bags?"
And he says "Sir, I am just Ajit from Jet Airways."
"I don't understand what is happening."
We said "Get out of the way."
And I kid you not,
we barged into the Jet Airways office.
We barged into their office,
and my bag
was at the door.
They hadn't even opened it.
So I pick up my bags.
We're like "Where is her bag?"
"Check the conveyor belt."
We went to the conveyor belt.
My girlfriend's bag
was on the conveyor belt
about to go to Jaipur.
And when your bag is boarding a plane,
it's first.
So we...
We picked up our bags.
We went,
we stood outside Mumbai airport.
My girlfriend looks at me
and she says
"You know what?"
"That was a great trip."
And I was like "Were you not on it?"
And she says "No no,"
"I know you now."
"I know you."
"I know how you smell."
"Right now, your bag looks"
"better than you."
"Your underwear is"
"seven colours of the rainbow."
"You know what?"
"I'll take this."
That's when I realized
what true love was.
It's when your rock bottom is
somebody's totally acceptable
If she was impressed by one underwear,
I have seven back at home.
The words were different
but basically what she was saying was
"You're mine."
The next story
is a true story
that took place
in a place called Wagah border.
How many of you have been to Wagah border?
Make some noise.
A lot of you, nice!
So
I went to Wagah border with two friends.
One of them is called Amish.
The other one, I don't want to name her,
So what's your name?
Maria.
I'm going to use your name, alright?
It's going to be great.
So we went to Wagah border.
Now for those of you who haven't been.
Let me just quickly tell you what it is.
Wagah is on the border of India and Pakistan.
Every evening they have this ceremony
where they lower the flag and they shut
the gates.
Now this gate shutting thing is purely symbolic.
Because the terrorists aren't coming from there anyway.
The second thing you'll notice is
the differences between the two countries.
The Indian side is always packed.
Right, everybody who's been there?
It's packed with people.
The Pakistani side has
four people and a goat.
The goat has no idea why he's there.
He's like "Is it Eid already?"
On the Indian side,
they play patriotic songs.
They play patriotic songs.
And the whole soundtrack of Border.
Right, everyone who has been there?
On the Pakistani side,
they play the same songs
because they don't have a film industry
of their own.
It's amazing
if you haven't gone, you must go.
Real treat to watch.
And that was the plan
except
at 3 in the afternoon that day
Maria was drunk.
Not happy drunk,
not manageable drunk.
She was crazy drunk.
She was at that level
where she found everything
The best thing ever!
So we sat her down.
Listen Maria,
relax. Sober up, it will be fine.
Amish and I will go, we'll come back, it will be fine.
She goes
"No No,
I also want to come,"
and drunk people have this
annoying habit of yelling and screaming
until you're like "Fine."
"Come."
But you have to be at your best behaviour.
And she says
"Best behavior ever."
So we take her to Wagah border.
The ceremony begins.
Everyone is in high spirits.
Most of us metaphorically
Maria literally.
Then
just as the ceremony is about to end,
the gates are just about to...
Just then
Maria
gets up from her seat
and runs toward Pakistan
screaming
"Pakistan, I love you."
Crapping your pants...
I looked at Amish, Amish looked at me.
We both had this 90s Bollywood henchmen thought.
We're like "Catch her!"
So we run behind her with our expanded anuses.
I grab hold of her.
We drag her back
and we manage to sit her down
and we left Wagah without being arrested.
Do you know how big a deal this is?
Just imagine if we hadn't stopped her.
She would have run across the border screaming
Pakistan, I love you.
The Pakistanis would have panicked
and then shot her in the head.
Then who knows?
War could have broken out.
Which would be super weird
for teachers in the future
trying to explain this.
Can you imagine what that would be like?
Okay students,
today we shall learn about the Indo Pak war of 2012
which began because of a drunk
called Maria,
decided to drink at 3 in the afternoon.
And all the students would have gone
Best.
War.
Ever.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Holy crap, did we just do this?
Holy crap!
Give yourselves a round of applause!
You guys were fantastic!